So where have I been for 8 months? I made the jump to a more lighthearted, mom-themed blog. It was nice at first to escape the heaviness of this blog. But I found myself often not feeling free to talk about the topic on my mind. I've certainly learned that a lot of my issues raising Bianca tie in closely with my own childhood experience. I didn't want to get "heavy" on my lighthearted blog. And so I stopped blogging altogether.
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I have a problem. I write for my "audience" which is pretty humorous since I'm a small potato blog with very few followers. I'm like the tater tot of blogs, LOL. That's actually not THE problem; that's just the result of it. My real issue is that I have a tendency to write too much from my head and not enough from my heart. Sometimes I can bridge the gap but I am more comfortable thinking through a post than feeling through a post. It's a struggle to stay honest with myself. That ends today. If a post is not heartfelt, I will not post it. If I'm more worried about how someone will perceive the post than about being real, then I won't post it. And if I have to make my blog private in order to stop thinking about who is reading, then so be it. For now, I'm going to leave it public because, let's face it, it's healing to feel the connection to others and to hope that a single sentence or thought of mine could possibly, hopefully help another survivor.
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One of the biggest things that has gone on in the past months is that I've confirmed Bianca has a severe dopamine imbalance. She also has many food allergies/sensitivities that are causing health and behavioral problems. In layman's terms, you could say she has ADD. This is how it presents and this is how she would be diagnosed. I have chosen a natural course of treatment including NAET (mentioned in my last post) for allergy elimination, diet modification and herbal supplements. The diet modification is HARD. She is for all intents & purposes, not allowed to have sugar, corn syrup, corn starches, salt, artificial color, dairy or msg/gluten. It. Is. So. Hard.
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She is really struggling in school. It's been TOUGH for everyone, for her, for me, for her teacher. She is smart. And that's not just me as her Mom talking. She's really smart and it's carried her this far because she can take in minimal information and still know what she needs to know to get by. It's only going to get harder as she gets older and she won't be able to survive forever on this technique. Her school is ....I don't know.....I want to say not being helpful but that's not true. They have made concessions for her and have met with me several times. I just feel like I have to stay on top of them ALL the time and I have to educate myself so that I can ask for the right things for her. It's a little exhausting. It's unfamiliar territory and that makes me want to run away. Which is not an option right now and that causes me anxiety.
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I see the continuing struggle in school and I want to say it's not getting any better. But that is definitely not the case. When I consider other factors, her mood, how she reacts to discipline, her interactions with me, her general health....she IS improving. One of the downsides of going the natural route is that results can take a long time to evolve. When she reads at home, it's typical that she will only get through one, maybe two, pages before she totally loses focus and spirals downhill. Tonight she read me more than half of a book before she lost concentration. That is major progress and it deserves celebration. I have a hard time celebrating the small successes. The same way I don't cut myself slack for anything less than perfect. I have a hard time not seeing her issues as a reflection of poor parenting on my part even though I have scientific evidence that her brain chemicals are all out of whack. Yet, still, I want to beat myself up for everything. Get over it!! I need to get out of my own way to continue helping my child.