Not Having It.

I feel like a weight has been lifted with regard to B's father.  You may recall the last update I gave about him Post Here.  I had to do some serious thinking after this one.  I know that he hasn't earned the right to be updated about her struggles but I am glad that I told him.  Because, until then, I kept my updates light and happy.  He was operating under the impression that she is breezing along, doing fantastic.  He has said to me on more than one occasion that he is glad she is with me because he knows she is in good hands.  Yes, she is.  But I don't want to feed into his delusion that, just because she is in good hands, she doesn't have her issues.  Some of which are directly attributable to his absence.  I needed to give him a little dose of reality.  I ended that conversation challenging him about when he might try to reschedule the meeting we had planned in October.  He didn't respond.  I didn't hear from him for a week and then it was just a general "been thinking about you guys and wanted to see how you were doing."  No mention of the conversation we'd had.  I answered that we were "hanging in there."  I am done giving him super happy updates.  I am also done sending him pictures of her.  That time is past.  It was fine at first when he was catching up but now.....he should be here.  He should not be given a free pass window into her life.  He's either in or he's out.  And at this point, I don't really care which way it goes.  I was so vested in it before that I felt like I had to present a happy front in order to get him here.  No more.  The sad thing is that I know, 100% without a doubt, if I offered myself as part of the deal, he would find a way to get here immediately.  That sickens me. 

In any case, I gave him the "hanging in there" answer and he did not reply.  Ten days later (ie: last Weds, day before TGiving) I get a text from him.  Ya know, just a few short weeks ago, I was lamenting the regrettable fact that I "crave him" and contact with him.  But on Weds, I saw his name come up as an incoming text and I walked away from the phone.  I absolutely did not want to read it.  So I continued doing what I was doing until hours later when I felt ready.  I gave a bit of consideration to what the message might say and how I would respond.  I was calm and prepared until I saw a message that simply said "hey what's your address?" I feel like I agonize over every exchange with him and he just blurts out the most ridiculous garbage.  WHAT is the point of that question??  What is he trying to pull??  I have no intention of handing him my address (let me point out that he is stupid bc my address is on every piece of court correspondence that pertains to our case) and so I wanted to figure out how to tactfully say no way!  So first I made a joke out of it.  I asked him if I won the publishers clearinghouse or if he was setting me up with a coffee delivery service.  And then he replied "Maybe.  Or maybe I have been known to just pop up....or I wanna look in your window"

What. The. Hell????????????

I had to sit on that one for a minute.  And then just said "Tell me why you're asking" 
He replied "Holiday cards.  If that's okay"

And again, I repeat.....WTH?????  Really?????  I don't believe for one second that is why he is asking.  I think he is trying to fuck with me.  His son goes to college near where I live.  I feel like he was toying with trying to put that idea into my head....like maybe he'd stop by on his way to pick up his son for TGiving.  I am not having it for one single second.  Yet again, I feel like I have to give enormous thought to how I say things with him.  I want to be clear that our little game is over but that the door to B is still open IF he does the work to walk through it.  So I said "That's thoughtful but I think best saved until you and B have spent time together"  No reply from him.

Before this exchange with him, I had a fantastic conversation with J, my male BFF.  I told him where I'm at with A (B's father).  I asked him his thoughts on just telling A I am done with all this nonsense.  Wise J said he agreed with that but would suggest I hang in there for another 6 weeks or so......allow the holidays to pass.  He reminded me that the holidays can arouse strong feelings about family and the new year can certainly be a time to take stock and think about changes you want to make in your life.  So, I took his suggestion and will just bide my time til about mid-January.  If nothing has happened by then (which I extect it will not), I will deliver the message that this chapter is done.  That the door to B is open but I will not be providing updates, photos and certainly not any form of chit chat between the two of us.  He is obviously not ready to follow through and I have to remove myself from a situation that is no good for me. 

Since I made this decision, I feel so empowered.  I feel like I was really giving all the power over to him and waiting on him all the time.  No more.  I am in control of my own thoughts, actions, choices.  At least for today.  :o)

Project Positivity

I wrote a post a while back called "Negative."  I have been feeling this way for a while and last week it seemed to culminate, again, to a bit of a meltdown.  I vented to my BFF and said, among other things:

"I am not satisfied.  I feel pressure, always.  From every direction. I feel like I live a life of nonstop busyness and obligation.  I know that it’s my own issue that I don’t live in the moment to enjoy the things that are enjoyable and then I wonder if I just need to exist this way.  Could I even do it differently if I tried?? And THEN I feel like a stupid whining complaining sissy candy-ass that I can’t handle my life.  Because really, is it so bad??  I have a great job, a cozy little home and one child who is really not so bad!  Why am I so overwhelmed when I’m not doing anything different than the rest of the world??  How dare I complain when there are people without a job or without a home or single moms with 4 kids who work, take care of their home and go to college at the same time? WTF is wrong with me that I need to complain all the time??  I think I am very wrapped up in negativity and I don’t want to be that way but I’m not sure how to go about changing that and I come back to wondering if I am just stuck in this frame of mind and don’t know how to be any different."

And then I wondered......is this a "fake it til you make it" type of situation?  Can I simply CHOOSE to stop being that way?  I feel like I am wired to the negative.  I always see the stress.  I see the problems.  I don't see the joy, I don't seize the moments that should be enjoyed.  I think that I thrive on the stress (when really it is killing me!) and I somehow need that drama.  Also, I confess here and now, I seem to somehow need to be sure people know how difficult my life is.  I don't know why.  I'm not sure what that adds to my life..... When I was younger, I liked to portray the "poor me" angle.  I think I believed garnering sympathy from people was the way to get them and keep them in my life.  I wanted them to rescue me.  I'm so far past that and I clearly am capable of "rescuing" myself, thank you very much!  I think I just got stuck in that pattern and I've never broken it because it became habit.  And like many other things that you end up identifying with, you wonder who you will be without it.  If I choose to no longer be this familiar thing, then who will I be?  How will I function?

I choose to be brave and find out who I will be without it.  I'm choosing to find the joy.  I'm choosing to actively replace negative and stressful thoughts with positive counterparts.  Our holiday weekend was very busy but I chose to remind myself about the blessings of it.  We did fun things and I made steps to be in the moment and enjoy them instead of stressing about the time, the things that didn't get done, the things I needed to do next.  I live, almost constantly, with a clenched knot in my stomach.  I am trying to be vigilantly aware of it and release it.  Breathe.  Relax.  Enjoy.