Tuesday, November 12, 2013

Not Fair

I mentioned that I have started the process of addressing B's issues.  I have not shared these issues with her father.  He doesn't know her, has never met her.  We spent large chunks of her life not speaking at all but have reconnected in the past few months with the sole purpose (at least MY sole purpose....his motives are still questionable) being the exploration of a relationship between the two of them. 

I give him happy photos and updates and I really don't share the struggles with him.  I don't feel like it's really warranted.  I mean, after all, he is not my co-parent here.  While it's tempting to reach out to him looking for advice when I feel so very isolated in these circumstances, he can't make an informed decision about B's needs.  I've been on the verge of sharing her challenges with him many times but I don't because it's an emotional issue for me and it's tied into everything else I feel....all my own father issues, my anger at him for not being here.  I've not been able to separate it enough that I felt I could have a conversation with him that would not turn ugly. 

There is also the fact that I wanted him to know her first before hearing all this.  I don't want him perceiving her as a "problem child" but rather to see who she is and all the things that make her so uniquely special.  I want him to see that these issues are not all she is but rather how they fit into who she is as a whole. 

But the other morning, before B and I headed out to her initial evaluation with the pediatrician, I reached  out to him.  I gave him a brief overview of what we are working with here and he said "I wanted and want to know all sides of her.....I don't think it fair for you to try and decide what I should and shouldn't know."

Every part of me froze and screamed inside.............ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME????????????

Since when is fairness to YOU my priority??  You want to talk about what is NOT FAIR?????  How about a little girl who has grown up without a father because you lied to me about who you were and what you wanted and then never made an effort to get in her life?  You think I am worried about what is fair to YOU??  Think again. 

But.....I walked away from the phone.  I realized that that response would not get me any closer to my goal for B.  So I waited til I calmed down and I said "A, there are a GREAT number of things about this situation that are quite unfair to ALL who are involved. I am not keeping things from you.  I want you to get to know her personally and incrementally."

He came back and said "I just don't like feeling in the dark."

(Ding Ding.....thank you for that smooth segue.....) I replied "I know that 'in the dark' is an uncomfortable feeling.  The thing is that I'm trying to engage you to know her, far more than a bunch of texts could ever convey and I have no idea where your head is about it.  We had plans to meet, you cancelled and you've not said one word about rescheduling."

No reply.  That was 24 hours ago.  In my summary of what issues she is facing, I mentioned that she has some definite fear and abandonment issues that are tied into him.  He had no indignant retort to that either.  Honestly, some days I wonder if this is really the wisest course.  He can be such a d-bag.  How did he manage to make this about him??  Is he that selfish??  The problem is that no matter which way we slice it here, she gets the shaft.  If he's not around, she will wish he was.  If he is around, she will either wish he was here more or will wish he was a better guy.  Likely both.  I can't win for her.  And from minute to minute, I have no idea if I am doing the right thing by her.  I am utterly drained. 

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