Thursday, October 3, 2013


I feel like one big giant ball of negative right now.  I am so unhappy and it feels too overwhelming to find the bright side.  So I'm going to wallow in my sea of negative for a few minutes. 

1. I cannot seem to stay on track with my diet.  I am up, I am down.  I am disgusted with myself.  It should motivate me to stay focused but instead it just makes me want to eat more.

2. My hair is falling out.  Like in giant clumps & handfuls.  Every day.  My hair has always been a bit of a trademark for me and it makes me sick to my stomach to see what it is becoming.  I can see patches of scalp through it and it's a strugle to make it look good.  This is somehow tied into my diet.  When I started dieting a few years ago, my hair loss increased.  Then I went off my diet for about a year and managed to gain 30lbs back but also my hair grew back in.  Then I went back on my diet in May and within 2 weeks, my hair started falling out in droves.  My Dr has theorized all kinds of things.  But there is no test that supports his thoughts.  My thyroid is normal, my blood sugar is stable.  I know that it is stress & hormone related.  My theory is that, when I diet, I am under higher stress.  My cortisol levels go up.  I obsess about every calorie, every daily success or failure.  I obsess about my lack of progress toward my goal.  And at the same time, in the process of dieting, I lose my comfort which is eating.

3. The situation with Bianca's father and my utter lack of control over any aspect of it.  My worry and panic that I'm screwing it all up.  Feeling like no one else really gets where I am with this.  I feel alone.

4. Speaking of alone.....I've not been in a relationship in forever.  I want it but the thought of the work involved in getting into one is too much to handle right now.  Plus being that I am right now fat and balding, I'm not really feeling all that attractive.  Yet still, the other day, I decided maybe I would reactivate my profile on a dating website and just see what happens.  Back in August, I had fraudulent charges on my credit card and had to fight the charges, cancel the card and go through the process of re-establishing everything that I had attached to that card for auto-payment purposes.  That was the day before I went on vacation, it was a total PITA.  One of the fraudulent charges was to this dating website.  I learned yesterday, because of that, I have been banned from their site.

5. One of the things that led me back to that dating site is that my BFF recently met a great guy and, by all accounts, they are developing a relationship.  I feel like she has been really "not there" for me since this started.  I texted her the revelation I came to in my last post about why I freaked out when I called my therapist for an appointment.  She didn't reply and I finally texted her again the next day to ask her if she got my text at all.  She said she did and then she asked me if I'd had any thoughts about why I reacted the way I did when I first called her.  Hello??  That is everything that my text was just about!!!

6. My other BFF has also been a little self absorbed lately and that's fine....he's in the midst of a job change but I feel like he leaves me hanging so often.  There is also this small issue of the fact that he has owed me a large sum of money for many years now.  We discussed it once about 3 years ago and he said he would start paying me back but he never did.  It pisses me off that he has not acknowledged it again and I have no idea what his intention is.  I don't want to bring it up, there never seems to be a "good" time to broach the subject.  As I said, he is in between jobs now so not the right time to bring it up.  When IS a good time??  I confess, this is a very different "BFF" relationship.  You may have picked up on the "he" part of this paragraph.  I relate SO differently to men and women.  I admit, I don't want to "rock the boat" with him.  I am afraid I will upset him by asking for repayment.  I love him as my friend but there is always an underlying feeling tucked away that I could love him in a more romantic capacity.  I always think there is a potential "someday" for us.  If not, I am okay with that.....he is extremely important as my friend and that can be enough.  But I find I just approach him differently in so many ways because he is a HE.

7. Expanding on that thought.....when I need an ear I go to either one of my BFF's but I definitely find I am WAY more apt to open up to HE than to SHE.  I embrace advice from him but I get defensive about advice from her.  I think that has zero to do with them personally.  I think this speaks to my issues with my mother.  I feel like anger has bubbled back up in me lately toward her.  I find she cannot do right by me in my own head.  Everything she says annoys me.  When we talk, I put a huge distance between us and cross my arms.....protective.  I think I feel a sense of defiance when it comes to taking advice from another woman because my mother never had a shred of advice or instruction for me.  I had to figure it out on my own.  I don't know.....I'm not hitting the core of this one.  Something to ponder another day.

8. There is just this general lack of purpose, lack of satisfaction.  I feel rushed all the time.  I feel like I have failed my daughter in big ways that I see concrete evidence of.  I feel like I am not accomplishing anything at home or at work.  And I feel like all I do does not matter.  Who am I really helping?  What am I contributing to this world?  I feel so utterly insignificant.

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