Monday, December 2, 2013

Project Positivity

I wrote a post a while back called "Negative."  I have been feeling this way for a while and last week it seemed to culminate, again, to a bit of a meltdown.  I vented to my BFF and said, among other things:

"I am not satisfied.  I feel pressure, always.  From every direction. I feel like I live a life of nonstop busyness and obligation.  I know that it’s my own issue that I don’t live in the moment to enjoy the things that are enjoyable and then I wonder if I just need to exist this way.  Could I even do it differently if I tried?? And THEN I feel like a stupid whining complaining sissy candy-ass that I can’t handle my life.  Because really, is it so bad??  I have a great job, a cozy little home and one child who is really not so bad!  Why am I so overwhelmed when I’m not doing anything different than the rest of the world??  How dare I complain when there are people without a job or without a home or single moms with 4 kids who work, take care of their home and go to college at the same time? WTF is wrong with me that I need to complain all the time??  I think I am very wrapped up in negativity and I don’t want to be that way but I’m not sure how to go about changing that and I come back to wondering if I am just stuck in this frame of mind and don’t know how to be any different."

And then I this a "fake it til you make it" type of situation?  Can I simply CHOOSE to stop being that way?  I feel like I am wired to the negative.  I always see the stress.  I see the problems.  I don't see the joy, I don't seize the moments that should be enjoyed.  I think that I thrive on the stress (when really it is killing me!) and I somehow need that drama.  Also, I confess here and now, I seem to somehow need to be sure people know how difficult my life is.  I don't know why.  I'm not sure what that adds to my life..... When I was younger, I liked to portray the "poor me" angle.  I think I believed garnering sympathy from people was the way to get them and keep them in my life.  I wanted them to rescue me.  I'm so far past that and I clearly am capable of "rescuing" myself, thank you very much!  I think I just got stuck in that pattern and I've never broken it because it became habit.  And like many other things that you end up identifying with, you wonder who you will be without it.  If I choose to no longer be this familiar thing, then who will I be?  How will I function?

I choose to be brave and find out who I will be without it.  I'm choosing to find the joy.  I'm choosing to actively replace negative and stressful thoughts with positive counterparts.  Our holiday weekend was very busy but I chose to remind myself about the blessings of it.  We did fun things and I made steps to be in the moment and enjoy them instead of stressing about the time, the things that didn't get done, the things I needed to do next.  I live, almost constantly, with a clenched knot in my stomach.  I am trying to be vigilantly aware of it and release it.  Breathe.  Relax.  Enjoy.   

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