She closed the door

I wrote about a particularly bad panic attack I had while at the acupuncture doctors office 4 weeks ago.  Post is here.  I went back last night for the first time and had a fair amount of anxiety going into the office.  I was also openly hostile.  This was not a conscious choice but rather something beyond my control.  I was closed off and simply full of rage.

There is a substance called Moxa that they have started using in the office and it really affects me for some reason.  There is the smell of it which I find offensive.  That is one thing.  But it was building into something more as every time I complained about the smell, I was greeted with kindof vacant "smile and nod" and dismissive statements about how it's so beneficial.  In other words "quit your bitching and accept it."  Talk about your triggering feelings for a survivor!!  It all came to a head when the doctor offered to put the Moxa oil on me during treatment and I flipped out and said no, how I find so offense.  To quote my prior post "The Dr replied in a very dismissive tone like "Ok, then.  We'll see you in a bit" and closed the door, making a hasty exit."  From there, I spiraled downward into the worst panic attack I've had in years, unable to breathe, paralyzed to communicate other than hysterical, hyperventilating sobbing. 

I didn't put that significance together until last night.  I was thinking through the incident and my reaction and then it hit me.  He closed the door and walked out while dismissing my statements.

On more than one occasion, my mother walked in while my brother was sexually abusing me.  Unable/unwilling to deal with it.....she turned around, walked out and closed the door behind her.  Dismissing the whole thing. 

I felt like I had been punched in the gut while I was sitting there and made that connection. 

Last night the Dr. used a fantastic treatment called NAET on me.  He treated me for my sensitivity to the Moxa and also treated me for anger, rage and cellular memories.  I felt so much more calm and open by the time we left.  It's really an amazing, miraculous tool that I HIGHLY recommend if you can find a practioner who is licensed in it. 

I recognize that I have so many mother issues left over.  I have been very angry with her lately.  I notice when we talk, I can barely look her in the eyes.  I place a room's distance between us and stand with my arms & feet crossed. I wrote the following a couple weeks ago and have had it saved in draft because it didn't seem like a complete idea but it's relevant here. 

I was thinking more about B's focus issues. I made some calls yesterday and have a lot of work to do, a lot of avenues to explore.  I go back to that feeling that I don't want to just cave to what is "easy".....I want to do right by her. And I realize the reason I feel SO incredibly strong about that statement is because, when my mother had to deal with my abuse and my cutting and all the problems that resulted from the abuse, she shoved me off to a psychiatrist who I never spoke to, swept it under the rug and that was pretty much it.  Oh except for the part where she fed me.....and taught me to eat my feelings.  That's helpful....your brother raped you?  Here, have some cookies.  She did the easy. Not what was right. I will not do the same to my daughter.

I simply do not know how to work with these feelings going forward.  And it's the holidays no less...... good times.