The Bubble Has Burst

For my mother, that is.

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Let me give some backstory on my Mom. Her mother, my Nana, was an alcoholic who was married five times. My Mom had one half brother, John, who was 10 years older and a full brother, Jim, who was a couple years younger than she. The half brother was from my grandmothers first marriage. My mom and her brother were from the second. The first husband died of natural causes, the second (my grandfather) killed himself. Third and Fourth husbands....one was a divorce and the other was another suicide. Her fifth and final husband died of natural causes. It's not a huge surprise to me that my grandmother drank with all that in her past.

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My mother was quite young when her father died. In fact, she didn't know that he killed himself until about 1990. My grandmother had moved into a nursing home at that time and when my Mom was cleaning out my grandmother's apartment, she found her father's death certificate that confirmed "self inflicted." After he passed away, my grandmothers drinking became out of control. My mom told me stories of her as a child dumping out bottles of vodka and refilling them with water; stories of her calling the town liquor stores and begging them to stop selling to her mother. By this time, John was away at boarding school then to be followed by college and military service. She really didn't know him. My grandmother, more interested in drinking and husbands, sent my Mom and Jim to live with other families.

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Knowing this much about my Mom's background, it's understandable why her sole desire for her own life was to have a stable family and keep it together at all costs. She swung the pendulum from one extreme to the other without ever seeing the harm she was doing by holding onto a family and a marriage that was not working. More than once, my mother walked in on my brother sexually abusing me. And, every time, she turned around, closed the door and walked away. She was unable to deal with it. While that evokes anger in me, that she didn't help me, I really can also "get" it. God knows how dissociation has served me in my life even when it was the wrong choice to make. It is, after all, just the mind shutting down from that which it cannot handle. She could not handle anything that pointed out the dysfunction of her longed-for family.

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When I broke my silence about the abuse, my mother really did nothing in either direction. I imagine she was entirely numb. My father was the one who went on a tirade. At me, of course. Made me admit I was lying and apologize to my brother. My mother, who had seen it with her own eyes, stood there and said nothing. For many, many years my mother has "stood there and said nothing" about any number of situations my brother has gotten into trouble with. She always gave him the benefit of the doubt. Marital problems, issues with my father, business problems, even when my brother was accused of, and fired for, sexual harassment. She always believed he was just haunted by bad luck. All this time, I've rolled my eyes at her naivity, knowing that it was simply karma surrounding my brother. His "bad luck" was really just the edification of "what goes around comes around." But I had accepted that she could not see it. She divorced my father about 16 years ago which was incredibly difficult for her considering her one desire for her life. At that point, she became even more vested in maintaining relationships with her kids. She and I have had a rocky relationship at best due to the choice she made. Only in the past year have I really come to process some of this stuff and find my love for her again.

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Yesterday my mother called me and told me that she has finally come to realize that my brother is nothing more than a manipulative pathological liar. She said she was sure it's something I've known all along and that she was so sorry it took her this long to realize it. Some things have happened of late, things she was not supposed to find out about but did, that I guess were too much for her to continue living in denial of. She said she is disgusted and sick. She's had his name taken off everything financial and she called her attorney to write him out of her will. She says she believes this will be the end of all contact with him. While I don't believe that is the case, I do believe that she has seen the unfortunate truth and I don't think she can turn that off now. She said she feels duped and that everything out of his mouth is bullshit. For as long as I can remember, my brother has had an unbelievable gift for twisting the truth in innumerable directions to gain favor of the person he's telling the story to. He's played my parents against each other more times that I can count.

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I suppose I should be happy that she's finally seen the truth. I suppose I should feel some sort of vindication that she realizes how her choice to not see him for who and what he is damaged me. More than anything, right now, I find myself relating to her not as MY Mom but rather just as A Mom.....a fellow Mom..... And I cannot fathom the pain of realizing the worst about your own child. I've not yet allowed this to sink in on an emotional level for myself. I'm not sure what to think about it yet.

A Degree Doesn't Always Mean Success

When I did the "Getting to Know You" Christmas Edition, one of the questions asked about the worst gift I'd ever received. My answer was to say that the gift was actually something I'd wanted. It was a book called "An Incomplete Education" but a comment from my father turned the book into garbage. Referencing my on again, off again attendance of college, he remarked that I already had one of these (an incomplete education) and didn't know what I wanted with another. That comment has stuck with me for years. It really hurt me and pinpointed something which has always been a bit of a sore spot.

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I was speaking to Susan about this during our last session and as soon as I told her what he said, she remarked sarcastically "God, he's not projecting much, is he???" *Doink* If that didn't smack me upside the head. Crying out loud. I've been carrying that statement around for 15 years and, all along, it was about my father's own insecurity!! He never finished college and he was ashamed of that. And he put it on me. And I let him because I didn't even see it until Susan pointed it out.

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Probing a little further on the subject, Susan asked me why my college experience turned out the way it did. I was actually a great student. With a few exceptions, I had high marks. I took double Math classes every year, always getting A's. In my Junior & Senior year, I was in the National Honor Society. I got a perfect score on my Math SAT and a near perfect score on the English portion. I had been accepted to some good colleges.

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It was the middle of my Senior year when my brother was floundering and failing out of a community college. He was more interested in hanging out and dealing drugs instead of going to classes. At this point, and I reiterate middle of my Senior year, my father informed me that due to my brother's lack of seriousness about college, my father had decided that I would get more out of my education by paying for it on my own. No offers for a loan or for help. Just period. End of story. You're on your own, kid.

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Instead of going off to school, as I'd hoped, I took a full time job and went to a local college part time. In the end, the job and the money won out. And my father won out. I didn't see this for what it was until I had this talk with Susan. My father's decision had absolutely nothing to do with my brother. That was just a convenient excuse but he would have found one regardless. He saw me excelling. And he couldn't let me show him up. He couldn't contribute to helping his daughter be more successful than he. Most parents want more for their children than they had for themselves but not my father. It terrified him to think that I might accomplish something that he had not and it would further spotlight his inadequacy in his own mind. So he did his best to put an end to that possibility and hold me back.

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In a way, it worked because I never did finish college. The thing is though, degree or not, I am so much more than my father could ever be. Professionally, my father is quite accomplished. Well, so am I. Not to the same extent that he is but I'm okay with that. Because career is not my only success in life and that is more than I can say for him. I've worked harder than any college course would require in order to be the person I am. And I'm more proud of that that I would ever be of a degree. I'm a successful career woman with a fantastic industry reputation. But I'm also a good, caring, compassionate person. I'm determined to constantly grow on a personal level. I'm a good Mom who is very conscientous of the lessons I teach my daughter and the influence I have on her. I DO want more for her than I had. She has a happy home and a supportive parent. I want to help her identify and realize her own dreams and never hold her back.

14 Years Ago

These are some excerpts from a journal I found a while back.

Background to help understand this post – my brother (one of my abusers) had an enormous tumor and it was at this time he was living at our house temporarily while he underwent testing, treatment and eventually a surgery to remove it. My parents were still married but my father (another abuser) was living/working out of state. He returned home for all of this. It was also a few days before my birthday. I'd like to add that my jaw nearly hit the floor when I read back over this and saw the following first statement.....HOW exactly does she ask a kid something of this magnitude after what I'd experienced at the hands of my family??

6/6/94: Mom has asked me to help keep the family together. How do I tell her, at a time like this, that I don’t feel like I have anything to hold it together for? I’ve been trying for so long, following in my mother’s footsteps. It’s not a behavior pattern I want to follow. Saturday was an absolute disaster. We had dinner and I was so miserable. I was just dealing with so many feelings and having (brother) and dad there together is too overwhelming. (Brother's Girlfriend) was here and Uncle too. Under other circumstances, I could have forced myself to be happy. But I was bursting into tears all evening. It was all I could do to even sit at the table with them I hardly ate, I barely spoke and when I did it was quiet & brief. Mom said that I sounded like a wounded child. Don’t they understand that is exactly what I am? They bring me back to that hurt scared little girl that I was and I guess I’m just not in touch with all those feelings yet. I felt horrible – I knew I was ruining dinner but I just couldn’t force it Let me add that (Brother) and Dad both did not recognize or mention my birthday. Mom got a cake but they didn’t want to have it with me.

7/4/94 (Brother) had his surgery. It was long and complicated. I stayed at the hospital all day with mom. I went to the hospital a few times but couldn’t handle it. Just seeing him so helpless was like turning the tables. I just didn’t know how to feel about all of it. I didn’t like to see him in pain but I wasn’t really upset. One of the side effects of the surgery could have been impotence. I found myself thinking what a sick kind of justice that would be. I know that’s horrible and I certainly wasn’t wishing for it. Sometime I feel like I’m making too much out of what happened. There’s no doubt it’s affected me. Will I ever know what “making love” feels like? Will it ever be more than just an empty physical act? I was going to throw together some dinner and I asked Mom where something was and she said it was on the table. I felt like I was in a movie. I turned around to look at the table and I felt like I was in slow motion. I saw the table all set and started to hyperventilate and cry. I tried to collect myself but I was hysterical. I didn’t want to go through that dinner scene again. My stomach just dropped and I was mad at mom for putting me in that position without forewarning me. She said she asked everyone what they wanted to do and they wanted to eat at the table. I guess I’m not part of everyone? I ran downstairs feeling very upset and betrayed.

It was interesting to me to read these. I realized I've been dealing with panic attacks FAR longer than I ever realized. I realize how long I've been questioning if what happened was really "that bad" or if I was making too much of it. I had forgotten completely that my mother actually asked me to help her keep the family together. That's insanity. No wonder I'm so hostile toward her. It showed me how long I've been pushing my own pain aside so as not to inconvenience others. It shows me how F***ed up my family really is.

Rain, Rain...Go Away!

Wow, it's POURING out there today and super windy, too!! I decided it wasn't going to stop us from doing errands. What a blockhead decision that was!! But anyway.....we made it. Of course, while I was at Costco, wearing yoga pants & a rain jacket, drenched to the bone in spite of said jacket and not wearing any makeup....I saw my college boyfriend. Isn't it always the way?? Thank goodness, he did not see me. He looks almost exactly the same except, I hate to admit, age has distinguished him and he looked even better. I was lingering, thinking about saying hi when his wife joined him so I jetted away!

A quick movie review for anyone who might consider watching "Notes on a Scandal". Wouldn't really recommend it. While it's not entirely graphic, there are several subtle seductions going on and it's not really all that enjoyable to watch. Some of it was downright uncomfortable. I love the cast (Cate Blanchett & Judi Dench) but did not care for the movie. Some may find it triggering.


I had T this morning. Didn't have an agenda from the week. So I got there a few minutes early and did my grounded breathing til a topic began to surface. I still have the urge to contact DD's bio-father. I want to ask him Why?? Why did you turn your back on her? Why did you make the choices you did? Why have you abandoned her and left her without a father? While I'd like to know those things from him, I realize that it really taps into the questions I want my own father to answer to me. So I decided it was time to get back to the homework T had given me several weeks ago. (See here.)

We only got through the part about my brother. She asked me to bring my notes back to our next session so we can go over the father part. She asked me to get in touch with whatever emotions I was feeling as I read to her about my brother. I felt sad and I was crying openly (and even looking her in the EYES while I did it....unheard of for me!!!) and I just said that was really all there was. There is a profound sadness for what I don't have. Here I have these 3 people who are my only biological family left in the world (except for 2 cousins who I never see) and I could care less if I ever see any of them again. I want a mother, a father and a brother. I just don't particularly want the ones I've got. And it makes me so sad to not have that. And it makes me mad, too. And I hate that I'm angry about it but there is nothing I can do to change or control that situation. I'm sad/mad on DD's behalf also because it means she is robbed of a family as well. T reminded me this is something I just need to allow myself to grieve every time I feel it.

I mentioned that there is such a distinct difference between what I feel for my brother vs what I feel for my father. There is still part of me that empathizes with my brother and, while I've allowed myself to acknowledge that it was abuse, I'll always consider the extenuating circumstances of how we were both raised. I know that the reasons he abused me were strongly based on things that were done to him &/or taught to him.

My father, actually both of my parents, on the other hand.....that is where all my anger rests. They had a different role in my life. It was their job to protect me, guide me, love me, help me. And instead they absolutely traumatized me. They abused me, neglected me, warped me and caused me untold anguish. Yes, I'm angry with them, for sure.

T asked me to think of my emotional self as a glass cylinder full of water and she asked me how much of that cylinder is full of anger. My first instinct was to say not quite half but 1/3 doesn't sound like quite enough. Maybe like 40%. That's actually improvement because 18 months ago, it would have been probably 85% or more. But we discussed doing the anger work so that I can effectively release that which is stored up. I asked T if it was "correct" that I felt like I didn't want to get rid of ALL the anger. I feel like a certain amount of it is healthy, protective and self-serving (in the good way). She said absolutely there is healthy anger and it's correct to want to maintain some of that in my emotional make-up. She said to think of my anger in terms of a colander....like dumping a pot of boiling water & pasta into the colander; let the water drain out and then see what is left in the bottom. Like the water is the unhealthy anger and the "pasta" is the good, healthy stuff. I really, really feel like I'm making my way to where I need to be. It's very encouraging.

Parents

Parents are on my mind today. It started this afternoon. I have a close friend who has gone through a bad breakup with a man she just found out really lied to her and used her the entire 4 1/2 years of their relationship. She sent me an email this afternoon that said:

I just told my dad a lot of the story. It felt good to tell him. He cried with me. He said he is just so happy that all of these things were shown to me before I invested anymore time of my life into someone like that. He held my hand, crying, and said to me - Don't you ever think you did anything to deserve this, or that any way that this has anything to do with you or what kind of person you are. You were taken advantage of, and obviously preys on women or people who are at points in their lives where they are very unsure of themselves or when their self esteem has been damaged. That is where you were when you met him so you were an easy target. But I really see in you that you are trying to head in a better direction.

I really am so happy for her that she has this outlet but I sit there scratching my head saying......huh?? Tell your parent your deepest hurts? Your insecurities, fears, sadness, shame, doubt.....SHARE that? And he not only is not the CAUSE of it but he helps you? Believes you, cries with you, holds your hands, reassures you? He knows you, gets you, wants to help you. He just loves you like a parent is supposed to freaking love you. Well.....how about that?? Isn't this what a parent is supposed to be? And it's so far out of my realm of comprehension that I can't even fathom it in any meaningfully realistic way. I know that I WANT it....but I don't even know what I would do with it if I had it.

Parent issue #2: My mother was over tonight. It's a regular Weds thing. Everything she does pisses me off. I hate that she stands at my doorstep waiting for me to come home and then doesn't realize she's blocking me. I hate the way she thinks she needs to hold the door for me or instruct my daughter where to stand as I open the door. You know......my DD and I do this every night without anyone's help. I hate that she's always under my feet when we're here. I hate the way she deals with my daughter. I mean...I love the way they play together. But in terms of discipline....she always puts it on me. She can't ever take responsibility for being the heavy hand. Whenever she "scolds" (if you can even call it that) it's "Mommy said you can't do that" or "that will upset Mommy" I want to say "Have a fucking backbone woman. Why does it always have to divert to me? I'm perfectly comfortable being the "bad guy" because for crying out loud.....IT'S PART OF BEING A PARENT. It comes with the territory. Tonight my DD said she wanted something and she did not ask me nicely at all so I was stern with her. It makes my mother so ever loving uncomfortable just to watch ME discipline my daughter that SHE feels the need to intervene and try to distract my daughter. "Oh look at this little toy....la dee da dee da......" Does she think she is helping me?? Does she think she's doing anything positive for my child by diverting her away from a reprimand for poor behavior?? Ummm....I don't think she's thinking that far. I think she's conditioned to switch gears away from anything remotely unpleasant. And why, why, why can't I speak up to her? WHY do I still protect her from my own criticism and anger? I'm obviously still harboring enormous anger toward her.

"You get in the way of everything. Why didn't you get in the way of the people who hurt me?"

Here's what I did tonight....and I'm going to give myself kudos. My mother left and I went upstairs and put my daughter to bed. At the same, I brushed my teeth and treated them with a flouride rinse. I didn't want to do it. There are so many things here I'm just aching to shove into my mouth.....feed my addiction. But I did it. And instead of watching Pushing Daisies on TiVo, I turned on some quiet Christmas music and sat down with my thoughts about parents. As I wrote about my mother, I realized I was touching on things I'm angry about so I went downstairs and I took my baseball bat and started whacking the basement poles......eyes closed, feet on ground. Whack, whack....random thoughts.....not really focused....whack, whack...thinking about her trying to help me when I don't want her help. Whack, whack, remembering her trying to divert my daughter. I turned around and directed the baseball bat at a larger target....my giant beanbag chair. I began to let myself go, lose control, feet coming off the ground, literally leaping into the air to get the force I wanted behind each smack and as I began to utter sounds, cries and miscellaneous words, that statement above is what I ended up screaming out loud before I dropped the bat and fell onto the chair, sobbing and out of breath. Though the sobbing only lasted a moment, I know I touched a part of me that has been tightly held behind bars for a very long time and you know what.....I'm damn proud. I'm proud that I did it and that I purposely avoided all my distraction tactics tonight and made a choice for me, for my emotional health. Good for me.

I FEEL ROBBED. That is what came to my mind as I wrote the line in the last paragraph about my thoughts about parents. My thoughts about parents are that I feel robbed. I had one so aggressive that he scarred me in one direction and the other so bloody passive that she scarred me in the other direction. And where am I left? Stretched in the middle between the two of them trying to figure out who to be, how to please them, learning their behaviors that are about as polar opposite as can be. How do I incorporate that into one being....my being? Jesus no wonder the attention from my brother was so welcomed. He at least had some idea of the experience of being a child of those two.

They had no business having children. There is another thought. Really, no business at all. They were both so monumentally screwed up from their pasts and they were just kids....god, they were 19 when they got married. 21 when they had my brother and 24 when they had me. I was in a cyclone of turmoil in my mid 20's. You know, I got pregnant when I was 21. It was unplanned. I ended up having a miscarriage and I'm so glad that I did. I cannot imagine the child I would have raised if I'd tried at that point. I thank GOD for sparing that child a life of pain that it would have surely endured to have me as a single mother at that time.

I've been transitioning over to writing mainly on my blog now and I forget what I've posted where. I'll go back & check but I realized not long ago that I was displacing some feelings. I said that I was having an urge to contact my exboyfriend T because I felt unsettled with him since our relationship ended in anger. And I said that I felt like I needed to put a different spin on my closure with him. And it hit me that I don't have closure with him but it's not about him. The unsettled feelings about a significant relationship ended in anger is about my father. How do I resolve this? I feel like I recognize it and I'm ready to let it go. I just don't comprehend what has to be done after desire and readiness are expressed. I feel like I bought the ticket for a trip and now I'm standing at the airport and there's no plane! Can I please at least find the airport bar and enjoy a couple martini's while I wait for the plane to pull in?????