Saturday, March 8, 2008

Rain, Rain...Go Away!

Wow, it's POURING out there today and super windy, too!! I decided it wasn't going to stop us from doing errands. What a blockhead decision that was!! But anyway.....we made it. Of course, while I was at Costco, wearing yoga pants & a rain jacket, drenched to the bone in spite of said jacket and not wearing any makeup....I saw my college boyfriend. Isn't it always the way?? Thank goodness, he did not see me. He looks almost exactly the same except, I hate to admit, age has distinguished him and he looked even better. I was lingering, thinking about saying hi when his wife joined him so I jetted away!

A quick movie review for anyone who might consider watching "Notes on a Scandal". Wouldn't really recommend it. While it's not entirely graphic, there are several subtle seductions going on and it's not really all that enjoyable to watch. Some of it was downright uncomfortable. I love the cast (Cate Blanchett & Judi Dench) but did not care for the movie. Some may find it triggering.

I had T this morning. Didn't have an agenda from the week. So I got there a few minutes early and did my grounded breathing til a topic began to surface. I still have the urge to contact DD's bio-father. I want to ask him Why?? Why did you turn your back on her? Why did you make the choices you did? Why have you abandoned her and left her without a father? While I'd like to know those things from him, I realize that it really taps into the questions I want my own father to answer to me. So I decided it was time to get back to the homework T had given me several weeks ago. (See here.)

We only got through the part about my brother. She asked me to bring my notes back to our next session so we can go over the father part. She asked me to get in touch with whatever emotions I was feeling as I read to her about my brother. I felt sad and I was crying openly (and even looking her in the EYES while I did it....unheard of for me!!!) and I just said that was really all there was. There is a profound sadness for what I don't have. Here I have these 3 people who are my only biological family left in the world (except for 2 cousins who I never see) and I could care less if I ever see any of them again. I want a mother, a father and a brother. I just don't particularly want the ones I've got. And it makes me so sad to not have that. And it makes me mad, too. And I hate that I'm angry about it but there is nothing I can do to change or control that situation. I'm sad/mad on DD's behalf also because it means she is robbed of a family as well. T reminded me this is something I just need to allow myself to grieve every time I feel it.

I mentioned that there is such a distinct difference between what I feel for my brother vs what I feel for my father. There is still part of me that empathizes with my brother and, while I've allowed myself to acknowledge that it was abuse, I'll always consider the extenuating circumstances of how we were both raised. I know that the reasons he abused me were strongly based on things that were done to him &/or taught to him.

My father, actually both of my parents, on the other hand.....that is where all my anger rests. They had a different role in my life. It was their job to protect me, guide me, love me, help me. And instead they absolutely traumatized me. They abused me, neglected me, warped me and caused me untold anguish. Yes, I'm angry with them, for sure.

T asked me to think of my emotional self as a glass cylinder full of water and she asked me how much of that cylinder is full of anger. My first instinct was to say not quite half but 1/3 doesn't sound like quite enough. Maybe like 40%. That's actually improvement because 18 months ago, it would have been probably 85% or more. But we discussed doing the anger work so that I can effectively release that which is stored up. I asked T if it was "correct" that I felt like I didn't want to get rid of ALL the anger. I feel like a certain amount of it is healthy, protective and self-serving (in the good way). She said absolutely there is healthy anger and it's correct to want to maintain some of that in my emotional make-up. She said to think of my anger in terms of a dumping a pot of boiling water & pasta into the colander; let the water drain out and then see what is left in the bottom. Like the water is the unhealthy anger and the "pasta" is the good, healthy stuff. I really, really feel like I'm making my way to where I need to be. It's very encouraging.

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