I just told my dad a lot of the story. It felt good to tell him. He cried with me. He said he is just so happy that all of these things were shown to me before I invested anymore time of my life into someone like that. He held my hand, crying, and said to me - Don't you ever think you did anything to deserve this, or that any way that this has anything to do with you or what kind of person you are. You were taken advantage of, and
I really am so happy for her that she has this outlet but I sit there scratching my head saying......huh?? Tell your parent your deepest hurts? Your insecurities, fears, sadness, shame, doubt.....SHARE that? And he not only is not the CAUSE of it but he helps you? Believes you, cries with you, holds your hands, reassures you? He knows you, gets you, wants to help you. He just loves you like a parent is supposed to freaking love you. Well.....how about that?? Isn't this what a parent is supposed to be? And it's so far out of my realm of comprehension that I can't even fathom it in any meaningfully realistic way. I know that I WANT it....but I don't even know what I would do with it if I had it.
Parent issue #2: My mother was over tonight. It's a regular Weds thing. Everything she does pisses me off. I hate that she stands at my doorstep waiting for me to come home and then doesn't realize she's blocking me. I hate the way she thinks she needs to hold the door for me or instruct my daughter where to stand as I open the door. You know......my DD and I do this every night without anyone's help. I hate that she's always under my feet when we're here. I hate the way she deals with my daughter. I mean...I love the way they play together. But in terms of discipline....she always puts it on me. She can't ever take responsibility for being the heavy hand. Whenever she "scolds" (if you can even call it that) it's "Mommy said you can't do that" or "that will upset Mommy" I want to say "Have a fucking backbone woman. Why does it always have to divert to me? I'm perfectly comfortable being the "bad guy" because for crying out loud.....IT'S PART OF BEING A PARENT. It comes with the territory. Tonight my DD said she wanted something and she did not ask me nicely at all so I was stern with her. It makes my mother so ever loving uncomfortable just to watch ME discipline my daughter that SHE feels the need to intervene and try to distract my daughter. "Oh look at this little toy....la dee da dee da......" Does she think she is helping me?? Does she think she's doing anything positive for my child by diverting her away from a reprimand for poor behavior?? Ummm....I don't think she's thinking that far. I think she's conditioned to switch gears away from anything remotely unpleasant. And why, why, why can't I speak up to her? WHY do I still protect her from my own criticism and anger? I'm obviously still harboring enormous anger toward her.
"You get in the way of everything. Why didn't you get in the way of the people who hurt me?"
Here's what I did tonight....and I'm going to give myself kudos. My mother left and I went upstairs and put my daughter to bed. At the same, I brushed my teeth and treated them with a flouride rinse. I didn't want to do it. There are so many things here I'm just aching to shove into my mouth.....feed my addiction. But I did it. And instead of watching Pushing Daisies on TiVo, I turned on some quiet Christmas music and sat down with my thoughts about parents. As I wrote about my mother, I realized I was touching on things I'm angry about so I went downstairs and I took my baseball bat and started whacking the basement poles......eyes closed, feet on ground. Whack, whack....random thoughts.....not really focused....whack, whack...thinking about her trying to help me when I don't want her help. Whack, whack, remembering her trying to divert my daughter. I turned around and directed the baseball bat at a larger target....my giant beanbag chair. I began to let myself go, lose control, feet coming off the ground, literally leaping into the air to get the force I wanted behind each smack and as I began to utter sounds, cries and miscellaneous words, that statement above is what I ended up screaming out loud before I dropped the bat and fell onto the chair, sobbing and out of breath. Though the sobbing only lasted a moment, I know I touched a part of me that has been tightly held behind bars for a very long time and you know what.....I'm damn proud. I'm proud that I did it and that I purposely avoided all my distraction tactics tonight and made a choice for me, for my emotional health. Good for me.
I FEEL ROBBED. That is what came to my mind as I wrote the line in the last paragraph about my thoughts about parents. My thoughts about parents are that I feel robbed. I had one so aggressive that he scarred me in one direction and the other so bloody passive that she scarred me in the other direction. And where am I left? Stretched in the middle between the two of them trying to figure out who to be, how to please them, learning their behaviors that are about as polar opposite as can be. How do I incorporate that into one being....my being? Jesus no wonder the attention from my brother was so welcomed. He at least had some idea of the experience of being a child of those two.
They had no business having children. There is another thought. Really, no business at all. They were both so monumentally screwed up from their pasts and they were just kids....god, they were 19 when they got married. 21 when they had my brother and 24 when they had me. I was in a cyclone of turmoil in my mid 20's. You know, I got pregnant when I was 21. It was unplanned. I ended up having a miscarriage and I'm so glad that I did. I cannot imagine the child I would have raised if I'd tried at that point. I thank GOD for sparing that child a life of pain that it would have surely endured to have me as a single mother at that time.
I've been transitioning over to writing mainly on my blog now and I forget what I've posted where. I'll go back & check but I realized not long ago that I was displacing some feelings. I said that I was having an urge to contact my exboyfriend T because I felt unsettled with him since our relationship ended in anger. And I said that I felt like I needed to put a different spin on my closure with him. And it hit me that I don't have closure with him but it's not about him. The unsettled feelings about a significant relationship ended in anger is about my father. How do I resolve this? I feel like I recognize it and I'm ready to let it go. I just don't comprehend what has to be done after desire and readiness are expressed. I feel like I bought the ticket for a trip and now I'm standing at the airport and there's no plane! Can I please at least find the airport bar and enjoy a couple martini's while I wait for the plane to pull in?????