Saturday, August 18, 2007


I had a counseling appointment on Thursday. Now, it is true that I've been very motivated lately and I've done alot of reflective work, set some new goals, made some new commitments to try some different things. I've ordered a bunch of books and am going to tackle some issues. I talked to my counselor about all of this, I reveled in her praise. In fact, we cut our session short because I was in such a good place that I didn't need the full hour. After I ended my session with her I thought.....what a fake I am. What a coward. There are issues I am NOT doing well with and I didn't want to bring them up. In fact, it wasn't even in my mind when we were talking. I managed to conveniently "forget" about it.

I am single. I've always struggled with relationships. They have mostly been dysfunctional through my life. I am doing some really important work in counseling at this point. I ended a 2+ year relationship in March and it still weighs on me. Yet I didn't wait too long til I went back into the dating world. I KNOW that it's the right thing for me to do to withdraw myself from that. But I cannot bring myself to do it. Why?? Do I still need validation from men that I'm lovable, desirable, "good enough"? Do I feel incomplete not being in a relationship with someone else? Am I panicking about being stuck in a relationship with myself and no one else? Am I longing for another man to lose myself in because the last thing I want to do is to find out who I really am as an individual? Or do I get some sort of backwards revenge by rejecting 99% of the men who contact me? Like I want to cause them pain to make up for the pain I've felt at the hands of men in my past? I don't know what the reason. Maybe all of the above. Maybe none of the above but one thing is clear....I'm not emotionally stable enough to be starting a new relationship. Yet I just won't make myself stop. That's messed up. I'm pretty much guaranteeing myself another tumultuous relationship with another painful ending. Maybe that is the unconscious goal? Just another way I self-injure?

1 comment:

Enola said...

TWINS again! I do the exact same thing at counseling. Go in and talk about "safe things" then go home and beat myself up (literally) because I didn't bring up what I really needed to.