Thursday, August 16, 2007

I'm not good enough

It goes hand in hand with the desire to be perfect.....God only knows I cannot live up to an expectation of perfection. So I am constantly feeling like a failure.

Today at my company, we had a video shoot for a "commercial" that will appear on our website. It was very informally planned. The boss said he didn't know who would or would not be in it but everyone should be prepared, just in case. So I got all extra primped and I was looking forward to being in it. Thought it would be fun. But I wasn't in it. In fact, other than the co-worker who specifically asked to be left out of it, I was the only employee not in it. And I'm left sitting here wrestling with feelings of not being good enough, not being valuable. Wondering how much harder I have to work around here to be considered important. When in reality, I know these feelings are NOT about work or a stupid video. I am paid well. I am respected. Everyone in this office comes to me with everything. I'm praised with words and with bonuses. I KNOW I am valued here. But it's this recurring theme....pulled forward from childhood. You're worthless. You're not as good as others. You will never be as valuable as other people. You Don't Matter. No matter what you do, how hard you try, how much you are still insignificant.

I'm working hard to notice but not judge my feelings. Actually I'm working hard just to feel my feelings! I think I'm doing fairly well with that. I've identified them. I've realized they are sparked by this incident but really not about this indicent. I've associated them with the feelings of being a second class citizen in my home. Not heard. Not valued. Not as important as my brother or my father. I'm feeling. I'm noticing. And I'm trying not to judge them as being "silly" feelings. They are not silly feelings. They are valid. They are not right or wrong. They just are.

1 comment:

Enola said...

Hi girl!
I linked you to my blog. Love your set-up and pictures and look forward to checking back and reading.