Monday, August 20, 2007

I am in a self created Hell

I don't understand how to stop this feeling. Ack...feeling. For the past 15 months or so, I have had severe physical manifestations of stress. From vertigo to speech slurring, vision problems, chest pains, stomach and GI issues, migraines, even arthritis is being attributed my constant body tension. Looking back, I see that I've actually been struggling with this for many, many years. But only in the last year or so has it really turned into panic attacks that I'm having difficulty managing. There are only so many days a girl can spend being terrified of dropping dead on the spot before it needs to be addressed.

I've been through CT scans, MRIs, bloodwork galore, inner ear tests, stress tests, emergency room visits, specialist after specialist. Nothing is wrong with me. Yeah. Nothing is wrong with me, my ass. It's just nothing physical. I'm just insane, that is all. How many times do I have to hear that from how many different doctors? Some say it more tactfully than others. But it's always the same answer. So I went on medication in January. Went on Zoloft with an emergency supply of Xanax for the PA's I needed extra relief for. And then added Wellbutrin. And then, after 6 months, I came off them altogether. Phhhfffbbbbbttt....what an idiot to think I was done with them. So now I'm on Effexor. I think it's helping. I'm not even sure how to gauge. I mean, I thought I was feeling pretty good. I felt motivated to do the work. Except I'm kindof do I describe I'm living this monotone existence....not really up, not really down. No real extreme emotions or desires. Is that how I'm supposed to feel? Add to that the fact that I've been feeling increasing degrees of anxiety the past few days for reasons unknown. I'm not feeling so great right now.

I woke up over the weekend with a raging headache and a feeling of complete jittery-ness. I tried to relax and breathe it away but it wasn't going anywhere. My chest pains are back and they are horrible. I know I've had all the tests done and I'm okay but let's face it I have a risk factor and it's really hard to just talk yourself out of being concerned about stabbing pains in/near the heart radiating out to your shoulder, arm, jaw, etc. It's got classic heart attack symptoms written all over it. It's not exactly easy to dismiss that and think everything is fine. Of course, it's also not productive to lay in bed and imagine yourself actually having the heart attack, trying to make your way downstairs to the phone and collapsing on the stairs where your 3 year old daughter will find you the next morning and sob uncontrollably not knowing what is wrong and not knowing how to call for help....and then being stuck there with your rotting body for days til someone figures out something is wrong and then she's scarred for life and you miss out on the rest of her life. Yeah....not exactly productive thinking. Storytelling, as my therapist would call it. And I am often successful now at nipping unproductive thinking in the bud but last It was rough. Like I said, it's hard to ignore all those physical symptoms as they escalate and the more I worry, the more they escalate. But my body is a traitor and it works against me. And it seems when I'm consciously trying hard to keep it under control, my subconscious wages a battle against it. My self created body and my subconscious want to maintain the status quo. They have no interest in changing the rules now. But I swear if I don't learn how to manage this stress, my symptoms and my fears will create a self fulfilling prophecy. It's like a really slow (mostly) unintentional suicide. I just don't want to feel this way anymore.

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