I'd Like To Introduce Myself

.....to me.
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I saw Susan tonight. We talked about some potential (positive) changes coming with my job and, in turn, some anxiety that is causing me because of impending change & uncertainties.
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I've mentioned in a few posts that I'm having trouble falling asleep at night. I have what I call "busy brain" which is really just anxiety run amok. I told Susan that I plan to request another Xanax prescription from my Dr in case I need it for bad nights. Of course, that really has to be for emergencies and just a back up plan. The real remedy is for me to learn how to manage my anxieties. Breathing of course is a huge part of that. Grounded breathing. Why do I always need to be reminded of that when I know it already? It's instinctual when I try to comfort someone else.....the first thing I say "Take a deep breath. Relax. Breathe."
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We discussed how I focus my attention outward. I spend my days being a manager, my mornings and evenings being a Mom. I am running around in a hundred directions because I'm never "nailed down" anywhere. I'm not grounded. I'm focused outside of myself, always. Susan reminded me to use my grounded breathing even during other tasks, that it begins to become a buffer and will keep me centered in the midst of chaos. She suggested leaving small reminders for myself everywhere.....the car, my office, the bathroom mirror, etc until it becomes habit.
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Susan commented that it's no wonder I can't sleep at night since I never have down time. I jumped to correct her statement by telling her that I *do* have down time most nights. As I said it, a realization hit me. My down time is only physical. I may sit and do something on the computer or watch a show but while I do that, I eat. Eating/bingeing is something I do to emotionally dissociate. I stay physically tense and emotionally disconnected until.......until I get into bed. And then I'm alone with my thoughts with no barrier, no distraction. I'm as anxious as if I were in a room full of strangers. Because, in essense, I am. I never spend time really alone with myself, introspecting, getting in touch with my thoughts, memories, fears. I don't know myself in this way. In fact, I go to great lengths to avoid this connection with my own mind.
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So as of tonight, I'm on a mission to spend time relaxing.....relaxing in body and in mind.....and getting to know myself again. I think I/"we" have some catching up to do.

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***Update: Last night, as I sat on the couch writing this, I was so relaxed that I nearly felt like I was melding into the cushions. As I finished up my entry, I was quite tired. I went up to bed and was able to manage the few thoughts that came into my mind. I think that because I took care of my thoughts before climbing into bed, I had nothing lingering to be anxious about. I fell, and stayed, asleep.