Thursday, March 5, 2009

May I Take Your Order?

There was a time when I didn't want to go to my counseling appointments unless I was having a huge issue. I was missing that whole "onion" analogy, peeling away the layers and all. Eventually it became the topic of discussion at one of my sessions where I felt uncomfortable being there since I had no emergency. As is generally the case now, the sessions where I go without an agenda are often some of the best ones I have. At that particular appointment, Susan pointed out that I have a need to exist in crisis mode. I'm not comfortable "being". This is why I've always worked well under pressure or deadline. That was a couple years ago and I've made some progress.
Last night, I went to counseling without a real agenda. We just start talking and eventually something comes up. We spent some time discussing our last session, because it was a really good one and I'm still mulling over what we talked about. I discussed my stress, particularly at work, where I am so overwhelmed that I can't seem to accomplish anything at all. I told her how I look at all these piles and notes and tasks all over my desk and I can't even make a decision what to do next so I end up doing something completely unproductive to my job (like blogging).
I have so many different aspects to my job at this point and they are completely in conflict with each other. Where one main function of my job requires blocks of uninterrupted time to complete tasks, another part of it requires me to drop what I'm doing and jump on the spot. There is so much hanging over my head that I find it difficult to make a decision about what to do next because I'm always waiting for the........*lightbulb moment*......the crisis. Ooooooohhhh. I'm existing in crisis mode at work. I'm feeling immobilized to take control because I'm waiting for the emergency. I'm waiting for someone else to tell me what to do, for external forces to determine my next course of action. And, in return, I feel controlled and resentful even though I set myself up for this.
Somewhere in here, I need to find my empowerment to take control. Feeling good about getting something accomplished needs to become my motivation instead of only being motivated to serve or please someone else. This holds true at work and at home. I need to know that I am worthy of feeling good about what I'm doing and that actually CAN and should be all the motivation I require. I'm in a Catch 22 of cluttered space = cluttered mind. We talked about a plan I'm putting in place already for home tasks. I broke down big projects into manageable small blocks of time. This way it's not so overwhelming and I can be satisfied by getting a small job done. Somehow I need to now parlay this same type of plan into my work life.
Today I'm focusing on my Sign of Saturn tattoo. I got it to signify empowerment. My power and taking control of it. I'm going to actively work on changing my mindset to one of being in charge, of clearing out the clutter, of determination to make a difference and actively making my own choices about what to work on. I don't need to take orders from others because that pushes me back down to the life I led as a child. I'm done living that way.

1 comment:

jumpinginpuddles said...

we also find unagendad therapy is the best, and like you we sometimes struggle to ge to therapy when we cant see an immediate crisis.