Dreams

I was looking for a document this afternoon and I came across a paper that had a few of my dreams written down on it. As far as I can tell, it's from spring of 2002.

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The dreams are pretty obvious in their meanings. They are saturated with blatant themes of abuse, broken trust, vulnerability, fear, abandonment. One of them I still remember *quite* vividly.

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On a day to day basis, as you can see in the post below, I struggle with accepting that what happened to me was "really abuse" or believing that it was bad. I minimize it. I question my memory. I question my own involvement in what happened. I am ashamed that it's still an issue in my life. I blame myself. In my heart, I still do.

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It is only when I have dreams such as these that I can allow in the possibility that maybe, just maybe, I was really abused. Maybe it really did happen the way I remember it. Maybe it really was bad and maybe everything I've gone through was not my own fault. I think I may be afraid that I've made it up or embellished it in my own mind since everyone else downplayed it. When I have these dreams that my conscious mind has no control over then I think yes, something definitely happened and I'm not making it up.

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Why do I need dreams in order to believe my reality??