Updates

Update to my previous post about how Acupuncture is helping with my addiction. I mentioned that, by two days later, my cravings and urges to binge returned. I've still been wrestling with it since then however, I've come to notice something. I am able to tap into a level of consciousness that was not previously there. For instance, one of the aspects of a binge is that I dissociate from my actions during. Now, I'm noticing that I'm not entirely dissociated. I'm actually now questioning myself before or during a binge..."What am I doing?", "What am I feeling?", "Why do I want to do this right now?". The other night, it was around 11pm and I was about to heat something up to eat. I paused, I took a deep breath. I said to myself "I don't need this. There is NO physical hunger in my body right now." I put the food away and I was fine with that. That, in itself, is significant in my world. I go back tonight for another treatment. I'm going to talk to my Acu Doc about upping my treatments to twice a week for now. Acupuncture builds on itself in terms of healing so if I wait too long between treatments at this stage, it's like starting from square one each visit. I'm afraid that last weeks result set the bar SO high that I'll be disappointed with anything less so I'm just trying to stay grounded and remember slow, gradual progress is okay, too.
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Update #2. On Bosses and Fathers. Background post here. I saw my T on Saturday. A lot has gone on for me at work in the past couple months between admitting how much I'd been slacking, resolving to focus more on my job then getting sick and being out for 3 weeks during which time the poop hit the fan with the mistake I'd made. Then a new woman started working here who seriously has/had it in for me and I was forced to really evaluate what I want to do and letting go of some of my control issues as well as my desire to do it ALL. So going back to what happened when I screwed up at work (totally my own fault and totally preventable) and how upset I was over losing my bosses approval....I said to Susan (my T) how odd it was that I was not approving of my own behavior and performance in the office. So even though I was disappointed in myself, somehow I was still desperately seeking and expecting HIS approval. I thought maybe I was setting up some negative attention getting? Then Susan said "you were looking for him to rescue you....no, you were seeking his *unconditional* love." So somehow I was wanting him to love and approve of me even though I was failing him miserably. Oh how that struck a chord. I feel like I've hit a really good place and I'm making a break from the fatherly feelings around him. I've also realized that when I'm proud of the job I'm doing, all of a sudden the bosses approval isn't so important to me. Because I know when I'm doing a good job, he has no reason to be unhappy with me.
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Finally, an update on the child support issue, background post here. I called the state agency for an update last week and learned that I've been getting less child support because there is another support order against Bianca's bio-father. So this means one of two things. Either #1 he's gotten yet another woman pregnant and has another new baby or #2 his wife finally divorced him and filed for support of their daughter. I hope, for his sake, it's #2 because frankly if it IS #1...then #2 should be shortly forthcoming!! Either way, I'm giving myself more kudos for managing to stay grounded and take this information as nothing more than....well, information. It's not tied to anything, it's not triggering any of my father issues or bringing up feelings of failure, wishes for a different situation. It simply is what it is. As I said to Susan, I'm not going to give it any more energy than it deserves (which is essentially none!) but oh how I'd love to be a fly on the wall of his life for a minute!! Way to really, really screw things up for yourself and a handful of kids, too!

Promising

I've been going to Acupuncture for almost 6 months now. Last month, I had a re-evaluation that showed a 55% overall improvement in my symptoms since I started. We've worked mainly on stress relief, chronic pain, management of anxiety. I'm happy to report I'm more relaxed, I sleep better and I'm weaning off my anxiety medication.
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We have talked about working on my eating disorder but hadn't really started treating it until last week. My eating disorder is actually a food addiction. My Dr. did his internship at an inner city hospital treating Meth & Heroin addicts with acupuncture. With success. So last week, we decided it was time to make this the primary focus of my appointments. The addiction points are in the ears as you may have gathered from the pic. So last week, he did 6 points in my ears. Interesting sensation. The day he did it, I didn't feel any difference in my cravings. The following two days, they felt somewhat reduced. I went back on Monday of this week. He did 8 ear points. I could tell something serious was going on in my body from how I felt as I lay there. I felt as if my body was curled backwards in a circle, almost like I was laying over a big medicine ball. Those disjointed feelings always indicate that the flow of energy has been out of whack. The result was so radical, I am still shocked.
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Let me back up to a typical night with this food addict.... Generally, Bianca and I eat dinner together, I put her to bed and then the binging begins. But even before the binge, I'm setting it up in my head. If there are leftovers from dinner I leave them sitting out on the kitchen counter. While I'm in the kitchen, I'm mentally and visually scanning what will be part of the night binge. My mind is fully occupied with this. If there are leftovers that are getting old, I know they will need to be eaten because I can't possibly let them go to waste. Waste is a huge thing for me with food. (Long complex explanation but basically I attach human qualities to food and it pains me to "reject" it by throwing it away.) After Bianca is in bed, I go back downstairs and immediately immerse myself in the binge. Starting with the leftovers if there are any. Followed by whatever else I'd planned or I find as I go through my routine. I continue until I feel "done" which is an ambiguous feeling. "Done" can mean I just feel like I've had enough...something hit "the spot" or I just plain feel sick. It may mean I can't seem to fill the emptiness so I give up and go to bed. It can mean it's late and I know I need to get some sleep. It could be that I'm overcome by disgust and remorse. Whatever the case, "done" is generally unpleasant.
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Now let me tell you about Monday night, after Acupuncture. Bianca and I stopped for Chinese take out because it was really late and I knew I would not have time to cook the meal I planned. Chinese is something I never save leftovers of because it does not reheat well, IMHO! So normally, I would leave it out and consume it after B is in bed. Instead, this night, I ate most of what was on my plate and I felt pleasantly sated. Bianca finished and I threw everything leftover in the garbage. Including the heinously irresistable little fried dough pillows from heaven that are rolled in sugar and melt in your mouth. Right in the garbage, no second thought. As I cleaned up from dinner and threw away the leftovers, I had no thoughts of food. There was no scanning, scheming, planning for what was next. There was not a care of food. Before I went to bed, I had a small sugar free popsicle while I was using the computer. There was no need, no urgency, no addictive behavior associated with it. It was a full 180 experience for me. And one I loved. I felt so free of the prison of addictive thoughts and behavior. I can only hope this is what's in store for me as I continue the acupuncture treatment.
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I didn't expect it to last since we're just at the beginning stages. Yesterday was not as good as Monday but not as bad as my typical behavior. Today, I feel the real urges coming back. I'm okay with that, though. Like I said, I didn't expect it to "stick" yet. I've only had 2 treatments for a problem that's plagued me for a lifetime. But it's a promising start.