One of my "Must Not"'s

After I recovered from my last relationship breakup, and as I began to think about re-entering the dating world, I made a list. A series of lists, actually, for what I do and don't want in a future partner.

Part 1 is the Six "Musts" that are immediately assessable. ie: sense of humor, positive energy, etc.
Part 2 is the Six "Musts", "time will tell" version. Things like communication, priorities, follows up words with actions.
Part 3 is the Ten "Very Importants". Things that are not 100% crucial but are....well....very important! Things like past relationship experience, manners, geographic location.
Part 4 is the Six "Must Not"'s. ie: smoke, drugs, abusive, etc
Part 5 is kindof fun....it's the Unlimited "Wouldn't it be nice if..."s where you get to list all these things that aren't necessary but it sure would be a bonus if he were.....whatever. Hilarious, wealthy, into the same sport I enjoy, etc.

Let's back up to Part 4. The Must Nots. Understandably, the vast majority of my Must's and Must Not's have been created by the experiences I've had in life. A particularly sensitive entry is that my future man Must Not have children who he is not involved with out of choice. This is born, of course, out of the situation with DD's bio-donor.

I've been talking with a man who lives pretty much on the other side of the country from me. Hence we've not met in person. I'll call him KC. We've been talking for about 2 1/2 months now. I like him. He had an abusive upbringing which always raises my flags but it seems as if he's really processed alot. He's been in therapy for years with full intention of continuing. He's intelligent, self aware, takes responsibility for his actions.

He has three children. His oldest is his son who he hasn't seen in about 5 years. His son is married with a daughter and KC has never met the DIL or granddaughter. Next is his older daughter. These 2 kids, the son & older DD, are from his 1st marriage. There are some massive issues with his older DD and they don't speak. He has a younger daughter from his 2nd marriage. He was in her life when she was a baby and then decided it was best to get out of the picture when the mom remarried. She subsequently divorced and KC has tried to get back into the DD's life.

It's tough to summarize all of this into a short, easy read. Basically, KC was going through life in his pre-counseling state of abuse brain-fog. He was drinking & smoking pot to escape reality. He was a man-whore and a player. He cheated on his wives. He wasn't involved with his children. He was living a life of selfishness and of trying to avoid the pain. I can understand this. I did it for a long time.

What I don't understand is the situation now. He seems to have very distant relationships with the oldest and youngest. And no relationship with the middle. I've asked him about it but I guess I don't feel like I've gotten an answer that satisfies me. I'm not sure what else I want to know, though. I think he feels like he really screwed things up with them through his own actions and now he just accepts that for what it is. Like it's his punishment, or something? He hasn't seen his youngest DD since she was a baby. And she's like 17 now. I'm going to have a very different perspective on this than he does. When I talked to him yesterday, I wished him a Happy Father's Day and asked if his kids had called. No, he said, none of them had called. I asked him if he'd called his son to wish him a Happy 1st Father's Day since he has a baby. He hadn't thought about it and thanked me for reminding him; said maybe he'd do that.

You know, as the daughter of a man who royally f***ed up with his kids, I'd love it if my father went through his own healing process and then pursued me to make amends. I feel like it's a parent's responsibility. I could be wrong. Or actually....I'm not wrong. It's just my opinion. KC's is not wrong either....it's just his opinion. But I'm having trouble navigating how this all fits in with my "Must Not". I mean....he's marginally involved with 2 of his 3 kids. He'd happily welcome a closer relationship with them from what I can see yet he does nothing to foster it. I think he works under the belief that they will come to him if/when they are ready and he accepts that. But he is a logic-driven man. I'm an emotion-driven woman. And one who's been betrayed/abandoned by her father. So I can't possibly see things the same way he does.

I have my yellow flags on this developing friendship. This is a major part of it. I know it's hypocritical but I have concerns about his abused past as well as his prior coping mechanisms. Part of me says it's a major "Pro" that he understands certain things about what I've gone through; that he is in therapy. And yet another part of me recognizes the "Con" of the situation as well. I think I'll try to broach the subject with him tonight.

An interesting observation

About my addiction. Something very interesting I noticed while I was away on vacation: I had no urge to binge. EXCEPT the days my mother was there. Those nights, I was just about climbing the walls with the desire to binge but I had nothing available. She was staying in the bedroom right off the kitchen and had the door open for air (since it was 90 degrees in the house!!). I so wanted to sneak into the kitchen for something to eat but I wasn't going to risk getting "caught". After she left and I relaxed, it was back to no desire to binge. In fact, not even finishing what was on my plate. I could attribute it to the heat but, by then, it had cooled down. Also interestingly, once I got home, I was in full on binge-craving mode. So the answer is that I need to hermit myself up in the woods of NH where I'll never visit family or have to work again? Where do I sign up for this???

My tribute to Fathers Day:

Let these images be my words. This is how I feel about the "fathers" who have touched my life.

Shutup, Netflix!!!!

And Yahoo. And Hallmark. And gift shops, restaurants, commercials. I KNOW that Father's Day is coming. I realize it. I don't need it blasted in my face every 5 seconds. I don't need a card. I don't need gift ideas. I'm all set with that. I'm fairly sure if I gave any of the gifts I'd like to anyone who flutters around the designation of "father" in my life, I'd end up in jail.

I did something last night. I think I should not have done it. Yet I'm having a hard time saying that for sure. The biggest reason I think it was wrong is because I'm not sure why I did it. What is there to accomplish with it? I'm not sure. I wasn't really thinking about it when I sent it.

Allow me to set the stage.....As you know, if you read my previous post, I was sleep deprived, stressed out, on the verge of heat-stroked! DD had made a father comment earlier in the day. I'd taken a Xanax and then a huge thunderstorm woke me up from an already fitful sleep at 12:30am. What was on the TV when I woke? Some more crap about Father's Day. I was loopy and out of it. And pissed off.

I sent an email to XBF about how my DD still asks for him. I think I was in "misery loves company" mode. It was stupid and impetuous. He hasn't read it yet. I don't anticipate he will reply. I will be so happy when Father's Day is over.

Xanax, Anyone??????

What I didn't include in my last entry was the fact that I was expecting another visitor. I sent J home on Monday morning. My mother arrived Monday afternoon. I started this with her last year. It's something my daughter enjoys. It's something my mother really loves. I get a certain benefit from it as well in different ways.

Is it any coincidence that I had a total laid back, good time with J but as soon as my mother comes, I'm tight, tense, having shoulder/chest pains, trouble sleeping? I was actually nervous to get on the ferry boat this afternoon for the lake cruise b/c I felt like I was about to have a heart attack. For me, that's the biggest component of a panic attack. That heart attack feeling. If I'd had my Xanax with me, I would have taken one. I managed to compose myself with relaxation breathing and a walk around the ship. I'm still feeling very tight.

Last night, I had a dream that had many odd components to it. The part that stood out at me the most was that I was living in a haunted house and every time I tried to put the key in the doorknob, it was sucked into the knob and disappeared. Well, that says alot right there. A haunting, in a dream, symbolizes early traumas, repressed feelings & memories. Can't open the door, being locked out? So, off the bat with her arrival, I was bringing up some demons.

Today on the way to the lake cruise, DD fell asleep and my mother was talking. She was complimenting me on what a great mother I am. I appreciate the critique but really....it doesn't mean much coming from her AND I want to say "It's not that F***ing hard to be a great Mom!!!" Why couldn't she do it, too?? She was talking about kids she sees in the course of her job and how they are so innocent and being "ruined" by horrible parents. She talks about patients she takes care of and how she doesn't put up with them speaking to her abusively. But I guess it was okay for her to let my father treat her that way? And treat me that way? I don't get it. It's no great wonder I need some god damn Xanax tonight.

Someday, I will have the wherewithall to shut her up when she starts down that line of conversation. For now.....I *WISH* my silence would say as much to her as it says to me. But she doesn't get it. And I just don't have the energy to explain to her how utterly clueless and inappropriate she is. I don't really care enough right now. She leaves in the morning. Let the countdown begin........

Holy Crap, it's HOT

Greetings from vacation. Not to start off a vacation post with complaints, but..... Well, the title pretty much says it all. I come to this house the same week (roughly) every year. The first time we came, we needed coats every day and had the fireplaces roaring at night. Last year was ideal....70's in the day, 50's at night. This year....record heatwaves. We arrived Friday night after a rainy, chilly drive. We actually had to turn on the heat at night. But the next day.....high 90's. The following day, we went to the amusement park and when we got back in the car afterwards, my outside temp indicator said 102! 102!!!!!!! Boy did I feel bad for the people working at the park dressed in heavy costumes. Did I mention this house has no air conditioning?? Which is normally a non-issue this time of year. It's not supposed to break til Thurs and we leave Friday morning. *Sigh* Oh well.

Enough of the complaining.....we are having a wonderful time. My BFF "J" came with me on Friday and I sent her home on the train this AM so she could get back to work. We went to the beach, boardwalk, mini-golf and drive in movie on Saturday. Yesterday was the amusement park. Today we did some shopping and spent some time at the beach again. Tomorrow, we're doing a lake cruise and probably mini-golf again since DD loved it so much! She totally missed the "rules" of the game and was having the BEST time just throwing everyones balls around and dropping them into the holes proclaiming "Mommy, I helped you WIN!" Too cute! The nights have been just gorgeous to sit outside and listen to the various sounds of the woods and the lake. Really peaceful.

Guess the bright side of the weather is that I don't much feel like eating! It's just too hot. Except of course when we're out for ice cream and iced Starbucks! :o)

Men

DOES THAT PRETTY MUCH SAY IT ALL?? *Sigh* It's 1:30am and I'm probably not thinking coherently enough to write something profound. All I know is that I have alot swirling in my head with Father's Day impending. I've been trying to figure out just how to deal with it with my DD. Particularly in regard to daycare and whatever project they are planning to do with the kids. DD is the only child in the daycare from a single parent home. This is such a tenuous time for her with father issues. We're just making some small strides in moving away from calling my XBF "Daddy". I don't want it to all be dredged up through a school project. I notice how she is often triggered in talking about "Daddy" by other kids or being in the presence of another child's father.

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I had T yesterday morning and it was one of the things we discussed. T did say she was going to call a friend of hers who is an elementary school psychologist and try to get some feedback. I'm even thinking of asking DD's daycare teachers if I can come in and do a presentation/project with the kids about different kinds of families. I have been perusing the web for good, age appropriate books on the subject. I want to encompass it all....not just single parent homes but also divorced, foster, adoptive, multi-cultural and even same sex parents. All in a very general way, of course. I think it's something beneficial that all the kids should learn about. Once they head off to public school, I think their little bubble of the traditional family will be challenged.
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The "boys" of my life have, by and large, been "icky" indeed. When I think about what DD and I both do not have.....well, it makes me sad and angry also. I should have my father, my brother, my grandfather, a husband or at least a co-parent for her. She should have her father (or her daddy), her grandfather, her uncle, her half brother and sister.
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My father/Her grandfather: Closed off, verbally, mentally and physically abusive
My brother/Her uncle: nearly a carbon copy of my father, snide, sarcastic, sexual abuser
My bio-grandfather (fathers side): an alcoholic who walked out on his family when my father was 1
My step-grandfather (fathers side): Odd, nervous and secretive man. Nothing happened to me but there were allegations of his inappropriate advances toward young girls.
My grandfather (mothers side): Alcoholic manic depressive who committed suicide when my mother was young.
My ex-husband: I married what I knew....a verbally and physically abusive man, controlling, angry, completely closed off.
Her bio-father: A lying sack of shit who continues to play the victim in this situation, never taking responsibility for the fact that he got himself right where he is. He has other children who would have been her half siblings if he wasn't such a scumbag.
Her Daddy (my XBF): who promised to fill this role for her for a lifetime and then, after 2 1/2 years, realized he didn't want to. He's the only Dad she's ever known and now, 16 months since she's seen him, she still asks about him nearly daily.
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Part of this is circumstantial.....I had no control over who my biological relatives were. But all I see in here is one big cycle. One bad choice after another made by people who were blind; who never questioned if there was something better in life. People who never believed they deserved better. I was one of those people for a long time. I don't even know where I'm going with this anymore.......
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I put this aside for a night....it still doesn't make alot of sense but it's what's on my heart tonight. When I put DD to bed tonight, she made a comment about how it's just me and her who live in our house. I told her that we are a family and I reminded her about different kinds of families. We'd had a playdate with her friend C today so I said C's family is her Mommy, Daddy, C & her sister. DD said "I wish I had a Daddy." All the logic in the world doesn't take away the stab of agony to my heart knowing she longs for something she does not have and it's something I contributed to by my choices and something I can't give to her.