Tuesday, June 10, 2008
What I didn't include in my last entry was the fact that I was expecting another visitor. I sent J home on Monday morning. My mother arrived Monday afternoon. I started this with her last year. It's something my daughter enjoys. It's something my mother really loves. I get a certain benefit from it as well in different ways.
Is it any coincidence that I had a total laid back, good time with J but as soon as my mother comes, I'm tight, tense, having shoulder/chest pains, trouble sleeping? I was actually nervous to get on the ferry boat this afternoon for the lake cruise b/c I felt like I was about to have a heart attack. For me, that's the biggest component of a panic attack. That heart attack feeling. If I'd had my Xanax with me, I would have taken one. I managed to compose myself with relaxation breathing and a walk around the ship. I'm still feeling very tight.
Last night, I had a dream that had many odd components to it. The part that stood out at me the most was that I was living in a haunted house and every time I tried to put the key in the doorknob, it was sucked into the knob and disappeared. Well, that says alot right there. A haunting, in a dream, symbolizes early traumas, repressed feelings & memories. Can't open the door, being locked out? So, off the bat with her arrival, I was bringing up some demons.
Today on the way to the lake cruise, DD fell asleep and my mother was talking. She was complimenting me on what a great mother I am. I appreciate the critique but really....it doesn't mean much coming from her AND I want to say "It's not that F***ing hard to be a great Mom!!!" Why couldn't she do it, too?? She was talking about kids she sees in the course of her job and how they are so innocent and being "ruined" by horrible parents. She talks about patients she takes care of and how she doesn't put up with them speaking to her abusively. But I guess it was okay for her to let my father treat her that way? And treat me that way? I don't get it. It's no great wonder I need some god damn Xanax tonight.
Someday, I will have the wherewithall to shut her up when she starts down that line of conversation. For now.....I *WISH* my silence would say as much to her as it says to me. But she doesn't get it. And I just don't have the energy to explain to her how utterly clueless and inappropriate she is. I don't really care enough right now. She leaves in the morning. Let the countdown begin........