Sunday, June 1, 2008

Men

DOES THAT PRETTY MUCH SAY IT ALL?? *Sigh* It's 1:30am and I'm probably not thinking coherently enough to write something profound. All I know is that I have alot swirling in my head with Father's Day impending. I've been trying to figure out just how to deal with it with my DD. Particularly in regard to daycare and whatever project they are planning to do with the kids. DD is the only child in the daycare from a single parent home. This is such a tenuous time for her with father issues. We're just making some small strides in moving away from calling my XBF "Daddy". I don't want it to all be dredged up through a school project. I notice how she is often triggered in talking about "Daddy" by other kids or being in the presence of another child's father.

~
I had T yesterday morning and it was one of the things we discussed. T did say she was going to call a friend of hers who is an elementary school psychologist and try to get some feedback. I'm even thinking of asking DD's daycare teachers if I can come in and do a presentation/project with the kids about different kinds of families. I have been perusing the web for good, age appropriate books on the subject. I want to encompass it all....not just single parent homes but also divorced, foster, adoptive, multi-cultural and even same sex parents. All in a very general way, of course. I think it's something beneficial that all the kids should learn about. Once they head off to public school, I think their little bubble of the traditional family will be challenged.
~
The "boys" of my life have, by and large, been "icky" indeed. When I think about what DD and I both do not have.....well, it makes me sad and angry also. I should have my father, my brother, my grandfather, a husband or at least a co-parent for her. She should have her father (or her daddy), her grandfather, her uncle, her half brother and sister.
~
My father/Her grandfather: Closed off, verbally, mentally and physically abusive
My brother/Her uncle: nearly a carbon copy of my father, snide, sarcastic, sexual abuser
My bio-grandfather (fathers side): an alcoholic who walked out on his family when my father was 1
My step-grandfather (fathers side): Odd, nervous and secretive man. Nothing happened to me but there were allegations of his inappropriate advances toward young girls.
My grandfather (mothers side): Alcoholic manic depressive who committed suicide when my mother was young.
My ex-husband: I married what I knew....a verbally and physically abusive man, controlling, angry, completely closed off.
Her bio-father: A lying sack of shit who continues to play the victim in this situation, never taking responsibility for the fact that he got himself right where he is. He has other children who would have been her half siblings if he wasn't such a scumbag.
Her Daddy (my XBF): who promised to fill this role for her for a lifetime and then, after 2 1/2 years, realized he didn't want to. He's the only Dad she's ever known and now, 16 months since she's seen him, she still asks about him nearly daily.
~
Part of this is circumstantial.....I had no control over who my biological relatives were. But all I see in here is one big cycle. One bad choice after another made by people who were blind; who never questioned if there was something better in life. People who never believed they deserved better. I was one of those people for a long time. I don't even know where I'm going with this anymore.......
~
I put this aside for a night....it still doesn't make alot of sense but it's what's on my heart tonight. When I put DD to bed tonight, she made a comment about how it's just me and her who live in our house. I told her that we are a family and I reminded her about different kinds of families. We'd had a playdate with her friend C today so I said C's family is her Mommy, Daddy, C & her sister. DD said "I wish I had a Daddy." All the logic in the world doesn't take away the stab of agony to my heart knowing she longs for something she does not have and it's something I contributed to by my choices and something I can't give to her.

3 comments:

Maia said...

Hey Perfect,
I will do some research tomorrow at work and see what I can come up with. If your computer works better tomorrow, will you send me your email address? Couldn't find it on the website. If I don't hear from you I'll post my ideas here tomorrow night. Take care,
Maia

Enola said...

I'm going to print that out and post it for my daughter. As well as remind her daily that her daddy has lots of shotguns - loaded. So no finding any interest in boys for many years - cute little brothers excepted.

Strong & determined said...

I just came across your blog. As one who is struggling to heal one day at a time, I SO appreciate your insight. Thanks for being SO open and honest.

I am working on a blog which chronicles my journey and I only hope I can stretch a little more and be open the way that you are.
Thanks again!

survivingincest.blogspot.com