Sunday, November 25, 2007

Another Dream

I had another one this morning. The beginnings of it are vague. My mother had bought a new house (which in reality, she really has just bought a new place) and she had hired a contractor to do some renovations. This contractor was like a "biker dude" and he hung out with a large group of similar type of people. His girlfriend, whose name was Lisa, "borrowed" my daughter B. As in she wanted to take her out for the day or something, to give me a little time to myself. Except somehow, I ended up with a "substitute" B. She looked like her and acted like her for the most part but I knew it wasn't really her. No one else knew. It took me a little while to realize it wasn't really B and remember that Lisa had taken her. So I started frantically trying to call Lisa and the contractor but I couldn't find anyone. I was driving to the place I knew they all hung out and the drive was over these stark rock cliffs, the road, if you can call it that, right of the very edge over a huge canyon or some sort of steep drop off. I was driving my old car, a huge SUV and just speeding over these rocks without fear of the drop off. I got to where they were and they were having a big bonfire. I couldn't get anyone's attention. I couldn't find Lisa. I couldn't get any answers. I thought about calling the police but I knew they would not believe me that I didn't have my daughter when I had this child who looked just like her. I knew I was the only one who could could possibly get to the bottom of it. I was the only one I could depend on....all up to me. I continued to go about life as usual while secretly trying to find my B. I took substitute B to daycare and no one noticed it wasn't really her. I was picking her up one afternoon and thinking to myself....why am I making myself crazy trying to find MY B when I have a B right here....why can't I just go on with this B? No one else seems to know it's not her. But *I* know and she is my baby and my responsibility and I can't just leave her out there being raised by God-knows-who? And then when I do find her, what will I do with substitue B? I can't just toss her aside....she's a person, too. Anyway, I was talking to her teachers and they were telling me about some project they were planning and they were all singing and happy. They started talking about the huge snowstorm that was forecasted for the following day but yet when I looked outside, it was summer. I took substitute B and I was waiting to sign her out for the day. There was a woman in front of me at the sign out book and I didn't see her face but I noticed she was wearing pants that still had the tag on them with a size 14 showing on the tag. I took substitute B out to the car and it started absolutely pouring buckets. I got her into the car seat. I opened the trunk for something and there was a small pool of water in the trunk. I got into the driver seat and I realized this was a rental car that I'd picked up a while back because I thought there was something wrong with my regular car. But I realized that nothing was wrong with my car and I'd been paying for this rental all this time for no reason. I knew I had to get my own car back but first I needed to look for real B again. So we drove around trying to find her or a clue or Lisa & the contractor. I stopped at a convenience store for something and while checking out, I saw a display case of donuts and I realized it was B's birthday. So I picked up a huge donut with white frosting and multi-colored sprinkles, had them put a candle in it and I bought her a Bday card. I went to some house, that I think might have been the contractors. I just typed that, I was trying to picture the house in my mind and I *think* it might have been the house we lived in in California, which is when my abuse really started. Anyway...that is where the dream ended.

So....I will be very anxious to share this one with my T and get her take but a few things pop out at me. I think I'm searching for my IC (inner child) and the fact that I have this lookalike, little shell of my B that no one realizes is not really her speaks to my holding all of my turmoil in and putting on the happy face so no one knew what was wrong. I think it's funny that I'm not scared of the journey over the cliffs to find real B b/c in reality, I am very hesitant to take the journey to find my IC. Maybe this is telling me not to be afraid. The part where I questioned if I really needed to stress myself out tryingto find real B when I had this little clone already...well, that speaks for itself. And the part where I knew I could not tell the authorities and could only depend on myself to find her....that does also. I don't really understand the significance of the contractor but I imagine there is one..... The rental car thing.....I've been "paying" for something that I took on b/c I was afraid there was something wrong with my real "car"....I think that is signifying figuratively paying so as not to take the chance of finding out something is wrong, ie: fear that something is wrong with ME and so pushing that aside and covering it up with something shiny and new. Oh and the size 14 tag on the pants....I've been selling some of my Mom's clothes on Ebay and that is her size so I'm sure there is some sort of meaning in that as well. My Mom signing me out? I don't know. Man...can't wait for counseling next week!!!

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