Saturday, November 24, 2007

November is a rough month

It's a very emotional month for me.
11/2: would have been my 3 year anniversary with XBF
11/9: would have been my friend Nancy's birthday
11/25: my brother's birthday
Day before thanksgiving: my friend Nancy died 2 years ago on that day
Thanksgiving....just full of feelings, memories, disappointments: A day that should be shared with family. The dysfunctional family that I don't see. The functional and close family I don't have but do crave. It was the day I met XBF's family for the first time 3 years ago as we planned our life together and then we spent 4 days together housesitting for his friends and we "played house", just knowing this would be how the rest of our lives would be. BS!

I sort of feel like I miss XBF but I don't think it's nearly as much about him as it is about just wishing my life was in a different place and the expectation that he was my future. I know it was all based on fantasy but it was so real at the time. And lets face it....fantasy is so much more appealing than reality! This time last year, he and I were house hunting together. How it all fell apart so quickly, from planning to spend our lives together to being broken up and not speaking anymore in a matter of months....I just have no idea. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad we are broken up because I see how wrong it was now. I see how much I lost myself in him; how many of my own needs were suppressed to accomodate him. I won't have that again. And while I know the relationship was doomed from the start because of HIS issues, I also see where he gave me so many opportunities to express what I was holding in and I didn't do it. I see where he may have lost his respect and love for me because of it. And I'm beating myself up about it a bit. Why? What good does that do? It doesn't. I need to just process it and release it.

Speaking of process and friend J was over the night before TGiving. She recently broke up with her BF and so it's an emotional holiday season for her as well. She's been journaling in her laptop for several months about the whole relationship, all she's learned through the process. Thanksgiving morning, we were watching the parade, she was journaling and I was baking. And she accidentally deleted a huge chunk of her journal. I feel for her because I've done this before and it's devastating. In the midst of her breakdown, I found myself almost envious of the way she was able to express what she was feeling and thinking. She was openly sobbing, reached out to me for a hug and support, was screaming in anger about how much this process sucks and how learning, growing, being strong etc is too hard to keep up all the time. She called her parents to talk to them about how she felt! Can you imagine? Being able to call your parents and cry about your feelings?? Aaah! Even just being able to express all of those feelings so fully in the moment. It was so foreign to me.

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