Get OUT!!! & a General Update

Well, it's been a very busy few days! I think I left off at DD's Birthday....it was perfect! The kids loved the ice cream party. DD was in 4 year old, girly-girl utopia at the nail salon!! She grinned and giggled for a solid hour while they gave her the full princess treatment. Pretty pink little nails and the woman even painted 4 little daisies on her nails. I'll post a pic later in the week when I have a spare minute to upload them! We went out to dinner, just me and DD. It was such fun. And, as a treat for me too, I had a spa manicure including neck/shoulder massage while DD had hers done. That was NICE.

Friday, I took DD to her 4 year physical. She's actually "back on the charts" (the child growth percentage charts). Her height has been off the charts since her last physical. She's 97% for height now, LOL. Tall girl. Her Donor is quite tall, 6'5", so she gets that from him. She had to get four vaccinations....that's alot for a little kid. She was quite a trooper. Her shots got me to thinking about my own reactions to needles.

Always have hated them but I got very used to them through all the health ups & downs I've had. One thing I have not ever gotten accustomed to is IV's. When I was in the hospital in preterm labor, they had me on IV's at various times for various reasons. It's always "fun" when medical staff look at you quizzically and say "Hmmm, never seen THAT happen before....." Such is the case with my IV reaction. Everything around the IV goes into spasm and I've seen it actually stand straight up out of my skin because my body tenses so badly. The Dr's deemed it some sort of odd partial latex allergy (even though I'm not allergic to latex) because they could not otherwise explain it. My T believes it to me yet another manifestation of the mind/body connection. Because I self-protect so militantly, she believes the IV is perceived as an "intruder". My body attacks it and tries to push it back out. As if to say Get OUT!!! Leave me alone!!! I don't want you inside of me!!!! Just another interesting example of the power the mind can wield within the body.

Anyway...........the rest of the weekend was run-run-run. It was nice, for sure, but a little too busy for my liking. Highlights: a wedding on Saturday which was the best wedding I think I've ever been to. As I watched the happy couple, listened to them exchange their own written vows, I had a brief rush of wanting a relationship again in my future. And then during the dinner, as I observed the 3 already married couples at my table, I remembered why I'm in no hurry to get into a relationship again!! I went alone and I felt fine with that which is progress over the last wedding I went to only a year ago. I desperately wanted someone to go to that past wedding with me. I felt branded as a loser going by myself. This time, it wasn't even a thought. At one point, I was sitting alone in a corner watching everyone dance and party. I thought to myself that I was perfectly content watching others have a good time. And I realized that's part of my problem....I'm too damn comfortable being the wallflower. So I made myself get up and join the party....step out of the comfort zone! All in all, a really fun time.

Sunday we had a day full of plans and didn't get home til about 7:30. I'd forgotten to bring my Effexor so I was almost a full 24 hours overdue by the time I took it. Man, that's some nasty, nasty stuff when you forget to take it. I was a wreck. Barely could walk a straight line or speak a coherent sentence without whimpering. Felt like I was being shocked. Nearly had a panic attack when faced with saying goodbye to a crowd of people. Luckily my friend was there and she took care of the goodbyes for me.

Yesterday was a rough morning. DD was being really difficult. I had a bit of a meltdown. I think we were both really tired and irritable. I took DD to get her 4 year photos done. They came out cute. Not the best batch we've had but all I need is a couple good ones. In fact, I prefer only a couple good ones....when they are ALL good, it's too hard for me to decide which ones to get! As we were waiting for them to upload the pics to their computers, we took a walk. DD wanted to go on the escalator. So we went up and went to come back down. I don't know what happened exactly. DD jumped on and I just couldn't focus on the steps and I didn't want to step on. I tried to let go of DD's hand so that she could keep going down but I think she panicked and grabbed onto my arm so she fell and I ended up pulling her back up the 3 or 4 steps onto the landing. Poor kid. She got really scraped up. :o( I felt awful.

It was also my father's birthday yesterday for which I felt nothing. Complete ambivalence. I think that's progress, too.

Had a very odd dream this morning. Not sure where I was going but I was bringing a horse with me. I was on a cliff, on a very narrow, windy road making my way to my destination. As soon as I got onto this road, my horse jumped off. I was horrified and thought he'd be killed. I looked down over this steep cliff and could see only water until I leaned out farther and realized there was also a strip of sandy beach and my horse was safe on the sand, running along and we'd presumably meet up again on the other side of this mountain/cliff...whatever it was. I kept watching my horse to be sure we were keeping pace with one another. There was a large fallen tree or something in the horses path and as he tried to climb over it, he was attacked by 2 mountain lions and killed. I remember feeling such intense anguish that I couldn't even walk and the only way I could continue on was to block out the fact that it happened at all.

I know that animals in your dreams often represent an aspect of yourself. The way I felt connected to this horse, concerned for it's well-being and how distraught I was at its death tells me it was indeed part of me. The symbolism of a horse is a strong physical energy or even a wildness or the unknown. The symbolism of a dead horse is an indication that something in your life that used to provide strength is now gone. Standing at the edge of a cliff is somewhat evident...."on the brink", a new experience, new awareness. A critical point that, while exciting, also induces the fear of "falling" (losing control).

I had to look up the meaning of the beach and of mountain lions.

To see the beach in your dream, symbolizes the meeting between your two states of mind. The sand is symbolic of the rational and mental processes while the water signifies the irrational, unsteady, and emotional aspects of yourself. It is a place of transition.
To see a mountain lion in your dream, represents lurking danger, aggression and raw emotions. You need to keep your attitude and emotions in check.

I think the dream was about my self-protection, my Xena armor. I think it was about letting that defense, which has provided me strength, fall away and die. It's also about the fear I feel in facing the world without it, in feeling emotions, in letting myself participate in life with all of the hurts and disappointments that may come along. I've noticed the past 2 days in particular, alot of chest pains. Anxiety. It sucks.