Sign of Saturn....she's coming around.

Some time ago, I wrote this post about my most symbolic tattoo.  Most symbolic yet the one I struggle to remember ALL. THE. TIME.   
Paraphrased: Astrologically Saturn has become a symbol for implacable powers, restrictions impossible to overcome, relentless natural forces and the hard, fixed structures of the world of matter. Saturn is known as the Greater Malefic; the bringer of sorrow, and the one who deprives. But Saturn only brings sorrow and deprivation in those areas of a person's life that are based on illusions or unrealistic expectations. Astrologers suggest that the inner being, the self, is protected by the personality, the psychological structure enveloping the self, spirit, inner being, or true individual. Through the imaginations, conceptions, and games of the personality, the inner being is protected until that protection is no longer needed and becomes a hindrance for self-fulfillment. Once this stage of development has been reached the outer shell must be broken. The position of Saturn reveals the way in which the protective shell will break, the price that has to be paid for the freedom necessary for further development, and the pain that has to be endured during the process of really becoming a grown-up, a kind of rebirth.

So this tattoo was always meant to be a reminder of the struggle to find my true self, my rebirth, and more importantly as a symbol of my own power.  Yesterday, I realized that I am not being particularly Saturnine right now. 

I ask myself......is this situation really that big of a deal?? Does it need to be? If I sit so expectantly at A's mercy, won't that energy convey? He may not be that in tune with me (or women in general) but it definitely makes ME feel that he has the upper hand. So let me reframe this. It's a big deal only because I'm allowing it to be a big deal.


A quote from a book that came to mind while pondering this: "Whenever you need something from someone else you become powerless because they can decide not to give it to you."

I REFUSE to be powerless to A or any person!!! I don't NEED him!!! B doesn't need him. We have made it this far without him and we are doing okay. I am extending the olive branch to him for B's sake and also to do my part in her life. But that is the end of my responsibility. This is HIS screw up. Not mine. This is his responsibility to make the effort. Yes, I am absolutely willing to take steps to help make it happen. Literally and figuratively I will meet him halfway.  But I am not at his mercy. I am not his doormat. I am not even his friend. I don't have to accept anything from him that I don't want to. I don't need to walk on eggshells with him. I don't need to worry that if I say the wrong thing, he will no longer want to see his daughter. I don't have to beg for his love (for her)!!!!! Gah this is where it ties into my father. Dammit. And also where I say she doesn't need him. I still feel like I needed a dad & that projects onto her. The desire to "save her" from what I experienced. This part is MY work.....I believe these words in my head but my heart is afraid to release the perceived need.  Hmmmm....I am sure I wrote about this somewhere before about my own father......I need to hunt that down.

Ok.....I reclaim my power. I claim my Sign of Saturn. Excellent. Now what does this mean as far as how I deal with him?? (I'm still thinking about that part & working on a list of guidelines for myself.)  I feel more powerful today.....more centered.  I cannot give him the power to get me so off-balance.  I may wobble.....but I will NOT fall down. 

May I Take Your Order?

There was a time when I didn't want to go to my counseling appointments unless I was having a huge issue. I was missing that whole "onion" analogy, peeling away the layers and all. Eventually it became the topic of discussion at one of my sessions where I felt uncomfortable being there since I had no emergency. As is generally the case now, the sessions where I go without an agenda are often some of the best ones I have. At that particular appointment, Susan pointed out that I have a need to exist in crisis mode. I'm not comfortable "being". This is why I've always worked well under pressure or deadline. That was a couple years ago and I've made some progress.

~

Last night, I went to counseling without a real agenda. We just start talking and eventually something comes up. We spent some time discussing our last session, because it was a really good one and I'm still mulling over what we talked about. I discussed my stress, particularly at work, where I am so overwhelmed that I can't seem to accomplish anything at all. I told her how I look at all these piles and notes and tasks all over my desk and I can't even make a decision what to do next so I end up doing something completely unproductive to my job (like blogging).

~

I have so many different aspects to my job at this point and they are completely in conflict with each other. Where one main function of my job requires blocks of uninterrupted time to complete tasks, another part of it requires me to drop what I'm doing and jump on the spot. There is so much hanging over my head that I find it difficult to make a decision about what to do next because I'm always waiting for the........*lightbulb moment*......the crisis. Ooooooohhhh. I'm existing in crisis mode at work. I'm feeling immobilized to take control because I'm waiting for the emergency. I'm waiting for someone else to tell me what to do, for external forces to determine my next course of action. And, in return, I feel controlled and resentful even though I set myself up for this.

~

Somewhere in here, I need to find my empowerment to take control. Feeling good about getting something accomplished needs to become my motivation instead of only being motivated to serve or please someone else. This holds true at work and at home. I need to know that I am worthy of feeling good about what I'm doing and that actually CAN and should be all the motivation I require. I'm in a Catch 22 of cluttered space = cluttered mind. We talked about a plan I'm putting in place already for home tasks. I broke down big projects into manageable small blocks of time. This way it's not so overwhelming and I can be satisfied by getting a small job done. Somehow I need to now parlay this same type of plan into my work life.

~

Today I'm focusing on my Sign of Saturn tattoo. I got it to signify empowerment. My power and taking control of it. I'm going to actively work on changing my mindset to one of being in charge, of clearing out the clutter, of determination to make a difference and actively making my own choices about what to work on. I don't need to take orders from others because that pushes me back down to the life I led as a child. I'm done living that way.

Silence

I was driving to work yesterday and happened to be behind a car with a bumper sticker that caught my attention. It said:

~

~

~
Your Silence Will Not Protect You
~

There was a name underneath but I could not make it out. The poor driver probably thought I was being an incredibly rude tail-gater but I really wanted to see the author's name. I never did make it out.

~

I came to work and I typed the phrase into my web browser. What a goldmine! I have never before heard of Audre Lorde but she has an incredible repertoire of quotes, poems and books. She is a self described "black, lesbian, mother, warrior, poet." What a brave and amazing woman. Born in 1934, she was nearsighted to the point of legal blindness. A black lesbian in the 50's yet she attended college, earning her Masters degree and spoke openly for gay rights, feminism, politically active for anti-war and civil rights. How have I never heard of this remarkable woman?

~

While these may be taken out of context, I still found many of her quotes resonating with me, as a survivor who is still struggling to find the "real me", the point of all I experienced, my voice and a life free of my fears and inhibitions.

~

"I write for those women who do not speak, for those who do not have a voice because they were so terrified, because we are taught to respect fear more than ourselves. We've been taught that silence would save us, but it won't.

~

I realize that if I wait until I am no longer afraid to act, write, speak, be, I'll be sending messages on a Ouija board, cryptic complaints from the other side.

~
Every woman I have ever loved has left her print upon me, where I loved some invaluable piece of myself apart from me--so different that I had to stretch and grow in order to recognize her. And in that growing, we came to separation, that place where work begins.

~
If I didn't define myself for myself, I would be crunched into other people's fantasies for me and eaten alive.
~

We are powerful because we have survived.
~

The energies I gain from my work help me neutralize those implanted forces of negativity and self-destructiveness that is White America's way of making sure I keep whatever is powerful and creative within me unavailable, ineffective, and non-threatening.
~

I have come to believe, over and over again, that what is important to me must be spoken, made verbal and shared, even at the risk of having it bruised or misunderstood.

~
When we speak we are afraid our words will not be heard or welcomed. But when we are silent, we are still afraid. So it is better to speak.

~
Our feelings are our most genuine paths to knowledge”

~

Her words are so empowering to me. I think the timing was more than coincidence. Right place, right time. I've been kicking around some thoughts, some realizations, about this cyclical pattern I've created where drama begets drama and I can't.....no, make that I *won't* get out of my own way. It's a way for me to rationalize staying "stuck" and not having to deal with change. But this quote, I realize that if I wait until I am no longer afraid to act, write, speak, be, I'll be sending messages on a Ouija board, cryptic complaints from the other side, reminds me that I cannot allow my fear to stop me from pursuing more. It reminds me that I have a life to live here and I need to sieze it. Quit hiding from it.

A new photo for a new attitude

No one may have ever noticed the photo all the way at the bottom of my blog page before. This is what it was. ~~>
This kindof stark and dirty wall with the word "heal" as a question. Heal? My caption was "Can I really do it?" And it was a legitimate question at the time I started this blog, which really was not that long ago. August 15, 2007, in fact....almost 6 months to the day. Wow. I feel like there has been such growth in me during these months.

Today I was perusing my blog and, when I looked at the picture, I felt that it no longer represented where I'm at in my journey. So I have replaced it with a new photo. A photo which makes reference to a recent comment by my T. This was from a recent post:

"It's really pretty cool to be present in my life so much of the time now. It's cool to be able to see things and connect things. T said she was recently taking a walk on the beach with her dogs and it was a misty, foggy morning. She said at first it was really nice...comforting, mysterious and a certain peace to it. But then it starts to feel isolating and you wonder what is beyond the fog. Then once the fog lifts, you want to stay in the sunshine and be able to see what is out there. And such is therapy."

So I found the new photo at the bottom of my blog now because this is where I am today. The fog is lifting. I'm seeing things more clearly. I no longer desire the isolation and the cover of the fog. In fact, I find it downright suffocating. I want to see what is out there. That is how this photo made me feel. (Plus it was taken in New Hampshire which is my fave vacation spot!) The leaves in the foreground of the photo are very clear. The middle of the lake is a little hazy and the distance still in the fog. But you can tell the fog is rising and dissipating. And it makes me feel a little excited when I look at the picture....what is out there? What lies beyond that mist? What kinds of possibilities and beauty will be revealed? I feel so full of hope lately. I no longer question my ability to heal because I am certain I'm on the road. And this is a damn good place to be. It's not that life is all sunshine and roses now! I certainly still have my issues to work on. But at least I see them and they feel managable. And the best thing of all is that I really feel present in the here and now. I'm actively involved in my real, present day life. I'm able to sort out what is old stuff being triggered and make connections to my feelings. Heck, I'm able to feel my feelings!!

I used to feel like such a therapy dunce....it was like sitting there week after week after week with the same issues and hearing the same things from my T. I never got it. I couldn't understand why her seemingly wise advice never seemed to make it past circling my eardrums and bouncing back out into space! But just all of a sudden, for no apparent reason, and at no particularly dramatic moment in my life, it just *clicked*. Finally! I wish I could spread this feeling around to everyone in the world. Because I feel like I've unlocked the door leading down the hallway to owning my power and finding my freedom.

The Language of Letting Go

This is a fantastic book by Melody Beattie (CoDependent No More) written as a daily meditation & reflection journal. I'm going to work more closely with it this year. Last year I started it in Sept and used it sporadically. I will hereby refer to it as TLOLG & will post about any entry that strikes me as helpful. Today's, of course, is about the new year.

From the book:
Make New Years goals. Dig within and discover what you would like to have happen in your life this year. This helps you do your part. It is an affirmation that you're interested in fully living life in the year to come. Goals give us direction. They put a powerful force into play on a universal, conscious and subconscious level. Goals give our life direction. We aren't controlling others with our goals - we are trying to give direction to our life.

Here are the questions asked in the book and I'm going to attempt to give each one some thought, even though I've already done my New years goals. I feel like some of these questions ask kindof the same things so I'm just going to answer them as I interpret them.

What would you like to have happen in your life this year?
*I would like to stop feeling the stress induced pains and ailments I'm plagued with nearly every day from migraines to chest pain and stiff joints. I don't understand why they continue even when I feel relaxed.

What would you like to accomplish?
*I want to recover from my addiction.
*I'd like to pay off my credit card
*I'd like to find a babysitter for DD

What good would you like to attract into your life?
*Somehow I can only interpret this question as relating to other people in my world. So..I'd love to make a new friend or two. And I'd like to be ready to begin a new romantic relationship.

What areas of growth would you like to have happen to you?
*I'd like to be able to process my parent issues. With my father, I'd like to grieve the death of my expectations for him and let them go. With my mother, I'd like to become comfortably established in my new "dance" with her.
*I'd like to be able to take care of my own needs in all situations without guilt and without having to think it through and rationalize it to death.

What character defects would you like to have removed?
Addiction, people-pleasing, guilt

What would you like to attain?
PEACE!! Peace with myself....the ability to relax as a human being as opposed to feeling the need to constantly function as a "human doing".

Where would you like to go?
I plan to return to my regular vacation spot in NH and don't have a desire to really go anywhere else.

What would you like to have happen in friendship and love?
I kindof answered this one already. I'd really like to meet a new man and establish a healthy relationship in 2008.

What would you like to have happen in your family life?
I'd like to survive age 3 with my DD!

What problems would you like to solve?
The only thing I can think of here are my health issues. I have a few problems there that will be solved/reversed when I control my addiction.

What decisions would you like to make?
*I would like to decide on a school for my DD to attend. It's still 1 1/2 years away but I'm considering private school which requires advance application.

What would you like to happen in your career?
I'm definitely going to make it a priority to get caught up and stay that way. Unfortunately that means spending less time online doing personal things.....like I'm doing now as I write this. But I've really allowed myself to get behind and disorganized. It's not a feeling I enjoy and I'm not 100% proud of the job I've been doing. And I need to stop coming in late.

What would you like to see happen around you?
I don't think I really understand this question. But I'd sure like to see my neighbors be more friendly....does that count as something around me?

Write it all down as an affirmation of you, your life and your ability to choose. Then let it go. The new year stands before us like a chapter in a book waiting to be written. We can help write that story by setting our goals.

Sign Of Saturn

I'm adding this to my blog so that I can find it easily......I'm gearing up for the new year. And I'm going to get my MoJo back!!

This is something I wrote back in March of 2007:
I was most dismayed as I read through my old journal yesterday. This was 13 years ago. THIRTEEN YEARS. 13 Years of life and experiences, relationships, books, counseling. And I feel like I am essentially still in the same place I was then. Look at my patterns: latching onto a man to give me my identity, protecting others above myself, panic, distance from God, no self worth, the "in-between" stage of being aware but not being able to change. I was discouraged and disgusted. This morning, I was thinking over things.....what I'd read in my journals, the situation with XBF. And then I had my epiphany.

I am a woman who fights tooth and nail for control of every situation, yet I am a woman who gives away my power to everything and everyone else in my life.

I give my power to my father, my mother, my brother, my anger, my boyfriends, my friends, memories, words, addictions, food. I strive to control people, things, situations that really are beyond my control. WHY then do I not control the one and only thing I CAN control, which is me and my power. Girls: I am back. I am a stone cold warrior in a battle to RECLAIM MY POWER. This is MY power and I am damn sick and tired of not owning it and rejoicing in it. Why in Gods name would I ever give it away? Why do I waste all my time and energy in this futile attempt to control that which I cannot and, in the end, I let that "failure" consume and control me? I stopped what I was doing this morning when I had that realization and went into my craft supplies and pulled out a bag of these wooden circles, like big poker chips, sortof. I took out my pen and I wrote POWER on one. I'm carrying it with me. I will continue to carry it with me. It is a reminder, a symbol, that I own my power and I will not give it away to anyone or anything again. I'm on a mission to take it back from everyone and everything I freely, and foolishly, relinquished it to.

I am waging a war on my addiction. Food is not stronger than me. It does not hold power over me. I will no longer allow it. I have some plans in place about how I'm going to make it through the cravings and the desire to rely on my addiction to comfort me, to hide behind. This time, I'm actually going to employ my tactics. I really didn't before. Yes, I was being accountable but I don't think I was even really trying not to give into the addiction. I cannot imagine a world without my constant comfort/release. One of the very few things I can depend on to always come through, be predictable, ease a pain or numb a feeling. But it's consuming me. It's killing me. It's not who I want to be. I gave my power away to an addiction and I'm taking it back. I will not let it control me anymore. I am in control. I will control the only thing I can control. ME. I've been so afraid to not be who I have been because I don't know who I will become. Well, it's high f***ing time I quit being afraid and find out who I can become.

I AM A WARRIOR IN A BATTLE TO TAKE BACK MY POWER.
**************

Searching for something more permanent than the Power Chip....I went looking for a symbol I could tattoo on myself as a reminder and this is what I found a couple weeks later:

As an old Italic deity of sowing and harvest, Saturn became the Roman god of agriculture, gardening and vineyard cultivation. He was also a benefactor of humankind, a promoter of prosperity, and good manners and customs. During the Roman Empire's first centuries Saturnalia were celebrated, that is the midwinter festivals of Saturn, a period of unrestrained merriment in the celebration of the winter solstice. Slaves were given their freedom and were serviced by their masters. All enmity and animosity was forgotten, and all punishments were postponed.
Astrologically Saturn has become a symbol for implacable powers, restrictions impossible to overcome, relentless natural forces and the hard, fixed structures of the world of matter. In astrological graphical symbolism, the sign of Saturn illustrates that the crescent of receptivity, (the personality), submits to the restrictions of matter, . Saturn is known as the Greater Malefic; the bringer of sorrow, and the one who deprives. But Saturn only brings sorrow and deprivation in those areas of a person's life that are based on illusions or unrealistic expectations. Saturn represents the unrelenting aspect of reality that forces the individual to abandon all ideas that are not based on a realistic perception of the material conditions of life. A child is protected by his or her parents from physical and psychological harm. (Yeah, well....not always.) But for self-fulfillment the child must at some time free himself from this protective shield, its parents. (Or in my case, free herself from the bastards who didn't protect) Astrologers suggest that the inner being, the self, in a similar way is protected by the personality, the psychological structure envelopping the self, spirit, inner being, or true individual. Through the imaginations, conceptions, and games of the personality, the inner being is protected until that protection is no longer needed and becomes a hindrance for self-fulfillment. Once this stage of development has been reached the outer shell must be broken. The position of Saturn reveals the way in which the protective shell will break, the price that has to be paid for the freedom necessary for further development, and the pain that has to be endured during the process of really becoming a grown-up, a kind of rebirth. If the implications of Saturn are ignored, the planet becomes precisely the symbol of deprivations, inhibitions, and hardship just mentioned. What Robert Hand has to say in this respect is most enlightening: "Every time we do what is untrue to our nature, acting not from a real necessity but rather to fulfill what others may expect of us, we commit a crime against ourselves that is peculiarly Saturnine. We move a bit toward death, more of our potential becomes actual, and what is actual does not express what we are."
******************************
And so I got the Sign of Saturn tattoo on my forearm. (Think I'll try to add a pic of it) It meant so much to me.....so symbolic. Now it mocks me. Look what I've become. Look how I have let go of my power.

Yet, in re-reading the first part of this post (the part I copied back from 3/07), I see I've made progress this year.
Latching onto a man to give me my identity: I've been single for almost a year now and enjoying building my own strong identity.
Protecting others above myself: Not really anymore, no.
Panic: Well....medication controlled but still....that was a big step!!
Distance from God: Errr, okay.....I had to leave myself something to work on in '08
No self worth: I won't say none anymore b/c I do have self worth and I can say that when I am feeling unworthy, at least I'm quick to question what is behind that feeling.
The "in-between" stage of being aware but not being able to change: I don't think this is so much an issue now either...."not being able to" sounds so weak. I think I take more responsibility for my choices now.

Okay....now I feel like I need to go do the Year In Review/Goals for 2008 thing.....off to start another post!! I'm a posting fool this week!