Not Hungry

Things have been crazy around here. I've not blogged but it's certainly not due to lack of material!

~

Starting back last weekend, Friday Aug 21st. I'd planned Bianca's birthday party for Sat the 22nd. Now, every single year it has rained on the day of Bianca's party. I went out on a limb this year and planned an outdoor beach party but I put a backup party plan in place in case the weather phenomenon continued this year. Naturally, we seemed to be in the path of the hurricane this year and bad weather was looking imminent. No worries, I thought....I have my backup plan in place!

~

The weather was bad Friday night and I ended up losing power at about 9pm. Right as I was getting all the food ready for the morning. *sigh* Afraid to open the fridge and let any cold air out, I decided to go to bed early so I could get up early since certainly the power would be back on by then. Oh what a night. Bianca was scared because it was so dark. I put candles in my bedroom and she slept in my bed. It was so dead quiet that I could hear the neighbors and every little creak & groan. It was about 90 degrees with no air or fans and Bianca kept snuggling closer and closer to me. Then the power company showed up around 2am and started digging right outside my unit. I did not sleep at all. Come 5am, I got up. Still no power. Weather questionable. Hot as blazes. I have a migraine. I'm worried about the food in my fridge and if it's gone bad. I get us both ready and as I'm about to start packing the car, the power comes back on. I'm frantically trying to put food on serving platters and I'm calling my contacts for the beach party to see if the weather dictates cancellation. I'm sick to my stomach. They are on the fence, tell me it's up to me. I'm carrying, packing, driving, calling, checking weather on radio & blackberry. If you live in this area, you will know a common local saying which is "If you don't like the weather in New England....wait a minute." Things change so quickly. I was so stressed out trying to figure out what to do and I finally made the executive decision to have the party at the backup location. Now, I'm driving, trying to listen to my GPS, passing bagels & milk to Bianca in the back seat, checking my party list and emailing or calling all the parents to tell them of change in plans while also trying to drink coffee and drive with my elbows. Fun. I will *NEVER* again book an outdoor party!!

~

Party itself turned out to be a blast and the kids all had a great time at a small, family owned arcade. I worked hard during the party and was happy for some downtime afterwards where Bianca and I hung out and played games by ourselves. It absolutely torrentially downpoured on our way home and we had to make a mad dash for the door in the rain. I wanted to wait it out in the car but it was "too loud" for Bianca. She wanted to go inside. I was exhausted. I had not eaten anything all day. I'd had coffee & diet coke. And I'd forgotten my Effexor the night before. I was a mess.

~

So here I have ALL this food in my house.....sanwiches, salads, cake, cookies, chips, etc....and the last thing I want to do is eat. Except I have ALL this food in my house and I begin to panic that I don't feel like eating. This is a completely foreign feeling to me. I know I've not eaten and I should have some protein. I feel mildly nauseous which is likely attributable to exhaustion and the migraine "hangover". I am literally trying to convince myself to go binge. Why? I was in a panic about all the food and if I don't start eating it in my usual methodical way it might go bad. Which in my mind, equals my "rejecting" food. And I may not have this opportunity again with this volume of food available to me at once so I need to take advantage! Except I really did not want to eat. Yet I was in a total nonsensical panic about that feeling.

~

It was utterly bizarre, a definite first time feeling for me. But it reaffirms some of my past statements about the fact that Food is my relationship. I felt an obligation to "take care" of the food and be sure it's existence served purpose. To not reject it. To give equal attention to all the different foods. And in my feeling like I was not up to the task, I began to panic and try to convince myself this is what I needed to do instead of just respecting how I was feeling at the moment. Further, I think the panic was likely fueled because if I did respect my wish to not eat, what if I had to start feeling something or dealing with feelings?? Oh, the horror!

~

Unfortunately I've not had any trouble eating since then......but it was an interesting bump in my path that deserves some more thought and understanding.

Qi - Body Energy

So I took a step in a new direction today. I went to my first appointment at a natural health center. The Dr was actually recommended to me by Susan, my T.

~

It went SO great!!! I'm in love with the Dr! He's so sweet and gentle. He said he'd never done such a quick intake because I had all my facts in a row and a 100% clear goal of what I wanted to accomplish. I told him he could credit Susan with that! He said that I am the perfect candidate for acupuncture and he loves to use it for cases like mine.

~

He did something called a Digital Meridian Analysis on my meridian points which measures the energy at meridan points. Some things were better than others. He said it really mirrored what I told him about what I experience. Funny, I was looking at the notes he made before we went to do the DMA and he wrote down "LI meridian". As I look at the paperwork he gave me, I see why! It says:

Your Large Intestine Meridian energy is excessive. Energetic disturbances in the LI meridian may involve oe or more of the following emotional factors: holding onto the past, fear of letting go, crying, compulsion to neatness, defensiveness.

Excessive chi in the LI meridian may indicate a potential for stiff shoulder, tooth/jaw ache, dizziness.

Stiff shoulder? That's my #1 stress spot and causes me chronic pain.

He was even able to tell me, by looking at the readings, my peak stress hours and what time I go to bed! I'm setting up a series of 3 acupuncture treatments and then we re-evaluate. Said he usually sees the biggest changes after 8-12 appointments but everyone is different. He did say that since we're dealing with a lifelong issue, it may take longer but not necessarily.

~

Oh, he also told me about his internship where he used acupuncture on crack addicts and had positive results in overcoming addiction. So he will use some of those techniques on me to help with the food addiction. He also worked at 9/11 Ground Zero to help survivors and trauma workers with PTSD and has been using acupuncture to treat returning soldiers for PTSD.

~

I'm happy it went so well....now let's just see if I have results!! If nothing else, he said most people feel very rejuvenated and in balance after a session. Oh, when he measure my overall results on a chart, I was at a 28.5 measurement of energy balance. That's 28.5...out of 100!! So, I'm pretty out of synch, no shocker there! I'm really looking forward to starting my treatments!!

My New Job

So I went to T tonight all hot on the topic of why thoughts from my past still reign in my mind. Why is it I can see all the negative, all the failures but I rarely allow myself to acknowledge a job well done? And when I DO allow myself to feel good about something I've accomplished, I immediately knock that down with reminders of all those things I've not done well.
~
I threw this out there for Susan to explain to me and she did so in blunt and direct fashion. She said (loudly, I may add!) "Because you don't dispute it!!" She added "Kim, it's time for you to self-parent."
~
Earlier we'd been discussing Bianca's upcoming transition to Kindergarten and I was talking about some of the fears Bianca has expressed. I described how I allow her time to talk about her feelings, I ask her questions to try to help both of us understand her anxieties. I validate her feelings and I offer her reassurance or encouragement that we'll get through it just fine. When Bianca tries something and gets frustrated that she can't do it, I lightly validate her frustration that it's tough to do new things. I help her breathe away the negative and force myself to ooze patience out of my pores!! I parent her with love, care, understanding, an open heart, patience.
~
When the "girl" inside of ME pipes up with a fear or a doubt, I beat her down into a pulp, berate her, insult her, shame her. I abuse her. I have remarked many times that my father only wanted to be a "parent" when I'd done something he could criticize. Well, looky whose footsteps I follow in when parenting myself. Even though in my parenting of Bianca, I see that I'm actually a very nurturing and good Mom! I also need to consciously remember, daily, that the way my father treated me had nothing to do with ME. I never did anything to deserve that treatment and there is no reason I need to keep reliving, and enforcing, his hateful and destructive messages.
~
Time to befriend myself. Time to view my inner child as the same innocent, decent, pure child that Bianca is and time to start treating myself the way I'd treat any other person I love. Time to dispute those negative and self-defeating thoughts. Time to love myself and nurture myself. This is my new "job." I'm gonna work it overtime and I'm gonna kick ass!!

Brick House

Being a Mom of an almost 5-year old, I get to read alot of books, stories and fairy tales. Recently, we read The Three Little Pigs and it struck me from a different perspective. (The perspective of a girl who has been in therapy for years!) Sometimes I think that entertaining childrens stories have some really important messages in them for the adults who are reading them aloud. (See here for another great example of this.)

~

In dreams, houses represent your own soul and self. The condition of the home sets the tone of the context. An old run down house may indicate old thoughts, beliefs or situations. A brand new house may mean you're entering a new phase of your life. So what does a weak house mean? The straw house, the stick house. Houses obliterated by a mere huff and a puff? I think of these as houses built on the quick without a proper foundation, materials or tools. Someone who tried to take the easy way out and get it overwith without having to put in the time, expense and hard work.

~

Such is life, self awareness and the process of healing. If we go for the quick-fix, our houses will crumble when confronted or tested. As arduous and unappealing as it can seem at many points along the journey, we need to put in the time to lay the proper foundation and add to it brick by brick until our house can stand up to that which tries to destroy it. So, Huff and Puff away, big bad wolf. Our houses will not come down.

Dreams

I was looking for a document this afternoon and I came across a paper that had a few of my dreams written down on it. As far as I can tell, it's from spring of 2002.

~

The dreams are pretty obvious in their meanings. They are saturated with blatant themes of abuse, broken trust, vulnerability, fear, abandonment. One of them I still remember *quite* vividly.

~

On a day to day basis, as you can see in the post below, I struggle with accepting that what happened to me was "really abuse" or believing that it was bad. I minimize it. I question my memory. I question my own involvement in what happened. I am ashamed that it's still an issue in my life. I blame myself. In my heart, I still do.

~

It is only when I have dreams such as these that I can allow in the possibility that maybe, just maybe, I was really abused. Maybe it really did happen the way I remember it. Maybe it really was bad and maybe everything I've gone through was not my own fault. I think I may be afraid that I've made it up or embellished it in my own mind since everyone else downplayed it. When I have these dreams that my conscious mind has no control over then I think yes, something definitely happened and I'm not making it up.

~

Why do I need dreams in order to believe my reality??

FAILURE

I feel like such a failure lately. All I can see are the many things I have not accomplished. My failures do not define me?? Pphhhhhhbbbbbbbttttttt. Yeah, right. When it seems like all there is to me, you can bet your ass they define me. At least in my own mind.

~

It's been a couple of hours since I started this post. I just returned to it, ready to rattle off my list of wrong-doings that clearly evidence what a mess I am. I re-read my first thought and when I read the "At least in my own mind" line, I thought "which part of my mind is that? Is it the 5 year old? The 8 year old? The 12 year old?" I recognize this as my father's influence on how I judge myself. You're no good, you can't do anything right, you're stupid, selfish, worthless, lazy. Yet the 40 year old part of me really, really struggles with "blaming" my father for this. I am a grown up. When do I take responsibility for me instead of calling my flaws someone elses doing? This is a difficult concept for me to grasp.

~

Okay. So apparently it's extremely difficult for me to grasp that because that was written 5 days ago and I'm just now coming back. I had to break from the post to talk to my friend and bounce my thoughts off her. Of course she said all the right and logical things. I keep coming back to thinking "How can I be this messed up at 40 just because I had a crappy dad?" In my head I know it's so much more but I'm stuck there in my head right now.