Balance

Balance: stability produced by even distribution of weight on each side of the vertical axis; equipoise between contrasting, opposing, or interacting elements; equality between the totals of the two sides of an account; physical equilibrium; the ability to retain one's balance
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What is this strange feeling? Relaxation? Yes....but there's more. *Gasp* It's balance. I feel balanced.
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I went for an acupuncture treatment this morning. It was my fourth, if you count the disastrous first experience as a treatment. Which I actually do even though it was not fun. Today....today was better than fun. It verged on magical. It was, dare I say, spiritual. I'm happy to say that I respond really well to acupuncture. So fast that even the Dr is impressed! He put my needles in, felt my pulse and said one was strong and another weak. Asked if I would mind one more needle. Nope, no problem...make me into a porcupine if you want!! He pops the needle in and immediately feels my pulse again and it's already balanced out! He turns down the lights and leaves me for 20 minutes of zen-bliss!!
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I felt so in touch, so aware yet so peaceful and relaxed at the same time. I, again, had the odd sensations of being "crooked." This time was really strange because my head felt like it was bent as far to the side as it could go yet I could not tell which side it felt bent toward! The longer I was there, the deeper my relaxation. By the time the session was over, I was on the verge of nodding off but I felt like a new woman! It really did take me a few minutes to recognize that the subsequent feeling was balance. I don't often (err umm EVER) feel balanced. Wow, what a lovely feeling!
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After the session, I grabbed some Starbucks and had a 45 minute drive to think. My BFF, Jennie, has undergone some major progress in her emotional health lately. I'm going to admit that there is part of me that is a little envious of that. Last weekend something happened to her that she was happy about and I did not think it was as great as she did. I realized I've been almost hovering around waiting for some sort of "fallout" on her part. Waiting there to pick up the pieces because that's been one of my roles in her life for a long time. It has gotten better over time and I'd say we've reached a point in the past year or so where it's not totally unhealthy but today I was able to see that there is still an element of codependency there for me. When I'm helping her pick up the pieces of her life, I don't have to think about my own. When she is the one emoting all her fears, frustrations, disappointments there is no room for me to consider my own. I get to fix hers instead. Now that she seems to be really pulling herself together, I think about how that changes our "dance" and how it affects my world. Will I now be the "unstable" one? Will the pressure now be on me to do all the feeling, crying, venting, leaning? Yikes.
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On the other hand, I find myself really inspired by her progress and it makes me excited to do my own work. She could not have had a happier childhood or more loving parents. Sure they made their mistakes by virtue of being very young when they had her. But they are wonderful people. Our backgrounds are polar opposite so how we ended up with some of the same insecurities is a mystery that makes us both laugh! In any case, I've always taken the role of "big sis" or the "stronger" one. Now I see where she is and I feel that shifting. The prospect of now being the "weaker" one, and leaning on her for help or guidance, is not just unfamiliar.....it's dreadful. I'm not sure how I'm adapting to that. For me, and I'm sure many of you will relate to this, my "strength" is nothing more than my mask. It's nothing more than the sheer force of my determination not to let my feelings get the better of me. Not to be vulnerable. My strength is really my biggest weakness. The strongest, bravest thing I can do is to fall apart and let go. I feel like I'm being challenged....whether it's out of inspiration or competitiveness is another question. I'm not so sure it matters, though, as long as I get to where I need to be. As I proofread this, the thought occurs to me that I don't know why I need to think of us in terms of stronger/weaker instead of just equal individuals with each our own set of traits. I'm going to focus on that! And on the fact that I have her, and a few other "safe" friends who I know I can let down my guard with and not be judged.
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I haven't seen my T in a few weeks. Since Bianca started school and sports it's been tough to find a mutually agreeable time. I feel in need of her perspective. With the support of acupuncture and getting back into a regular schedule with her, I feel ready to come off my Effexor. I'm hoping to use one of the long holiday weekends to finish that process which means I'll need to start weaning in the next month or two. Which means I have to see my GP Dr. Which means I have to face medical issues I've been avoiding with her. Which means I want to find out when the acupuncture doc will be able to start working on addiction points (those are in the ears....not sure how I feel about needles in my ears!!). It's all tied up in a cyclical pattern which on any other given day could make me crazy and not want to deal with any of it. But I told myself this AM I will not let anything disturb my balance today. So I'm going to remember to breathe deeply and deal with it. One. Step. At. A. Time.

The Well is Empty

So....I survived Thursday and Bianca's first day. I cried for hours after dropping her off. Not just cried, like shedding tears. I sobbed. Wailing sobs. For hours.
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This is not something that is typical of me. At All. I generally reserve my emotions and cut off or stifle tears as quickly and rigidly as possible. This was beyond control. First of all, the last few weeks have been full of anxiety in preparation for that day. We had a long day on Weds. I barely slept Weds night because I was anxious and I was starting to get sick. All my strengths were down. As I wrote about in my previous post, dropping Bianca off at Kindergarten triggered me in all kinds of ways and the tears that ensued were a deep release of old, tightly bottled pain. I couldn't eat anything that morning. I was feeling pretty weak and run down when I headed off to my first acupuncture appointment.
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I assumed this was good timing for acupuncture. I felt like I was in a relaxed state after all that had happened so it would follow naturally I'd continue to be relaxed through the appointment. I was very excited for my first experience and to see what it was like. I was also excited for the 20 minutes in a dark room to reach a deep state of relaxation. So my Dr. comes in and explains the process. He tells me he is going to start easy with just a few points and work more on some of my peripheral issues as opposed to jumping into core issues. We're really laying a groundwork at the moment. So I feel a tap on my head like center of the forehead but above the hairline. He asks me how that was and I tell him I felt nothing but a tap. Excellent!! I've mentioned before that I have chronic pain in my left shoulder area. It's my stress spot. He squeezes a point on my right wrist, tells me to move my left shoulder & how does it feel? Sore, as always. Okay, squeezes another point on my right wrist, now how does the left shoulder feel? Ummmmm....it feels....good?!? So he pops me with a needle in that spot. Proceeds to put in a few more in each wrist/hand and a few more in my lower legs. Only one point "hurt" and I use that for lack of a better word. It was more just like I was aware of an unfamiliar sensation in that spot. Funny to note that, hours later, that spot was madly itchy!
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Anyway, he takes off my glasses and puts them somewhere on the counter. He turns down the lights to almost nil and tells me to relax, take a nap if I want. I need to "cook" for 20 minutes. So I'm laying there and sensations start abounding. I feel sort of floaty, spinny sensations. I feel "crooked" like my body is in a zigzag pattern. That has happened to me before with body energy work. Next I start to feel like the inside of my chest is cold, like I have a Vicks VapoRub under my skin! Aaaand then I start to feel a little clammy and unpleasant. I lay there, I breathe. Oh boy.....not good. Trying not to disturb the needles, I get up from the table and try to find my glasses which....you know...without them on, I can't see where they are! I feel my way over to the door and poke my head out with a meek "Excuse me??" The Dr comes running and I tell him I am feeling very nauseous. I ask him if he can pop another needle somewhere to help alleviate that and he says "I think we're past that point already" and tells me I don't look so good. He takes all the needles out, asks me if I want some water and I say no, I'm going to be sick. Holy moly......I was violently sick. VI-O-LENT!! When done, I am clinging to his sink, sweating, shaking. He asks if I want to sit down on the table. I say "No" and collapse on the floor. He and his assistant help me get my bearings and I lay down on the table. I ask "How many times has that happened??" None....of course. I'm the first in his seven years of practice. Excellent....love being a trendsetter!
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He said he knows I felt "relaxed" when I came in but in actuality, I was running on fumes. The well is Empty!! He pointed out I had not slept, I had not eaten and I'd had a massive "emotional purge" that morning. He said I was really functioning on adrenaline alone. When he tapped into my relaxation core and some digestive points, my blood sugar plummeted which he believes was responsible for the vomiting and hence a physical purge as well. He said the good news is that now we know you are highly receptive to acupuncture. Perhaps a little TOO receptive!! So they gave me some juice and had me hang out for a while before they would let me drive. I was supposed to go straight from there to pick up Bianca but I decided to take some self care, me-time. I went to Panera and got a bowl of soup and recuped. I go back on Tuesday morning for session #2 and, this time, someone is staying in the room with me!!!!
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Ending on a bright note, I went to pick up Bianca at the after school program and she didn't want to leave! She made a friend who happens to live right in our complex and really enjoyed herself. We were both exhausted last night and fell asleep on the couch together at 7pm! Dropoff this morning was easier on me, for sure. She was a little clingy but no tears. I can't wait to see her later and hear all about her day. And looking forward to a long weekend.

1st Day of School: Major Triggers

I am feeling a lifetime of emotional pain today. I feel like I abandoned my baby and it's triggering me in fully unexpected and excruciating ways.

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Bianca has been pretty vocal about not wanting to start Kindergarten. Her 5th birthday was last week and she cried much of the day that she didn't want to be 5. She doesn't want to go to Kindergarten, doesn't like Kindergarten, doesn't like new friends, etc, etc, etc. Yesterday we took a day off for "Mommy/Bianca Fun Day" which was really nice. I was pushing the subject of Kindergarten pretty hard for a while but decided to back off in the last week or so. Yesterday, she mentioned something about starting K and I said "I'm so excited for you" to which she solemnly replied "I'm not."

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She was the same this morning. Didn't want to go. I tried to keep things light and positive, as well as just matter-of-fact in an empathetic way. I hear and understand what you're saying....we'll get through this and we'll both be okay! We read The Kissing Hand last night and gave each other heart stickers from the book this morning to signify that our love stays with one another all day even when we're apart. Things were a little muddled this AM. I had to run out & grab her a notebook before school. Weren't sure where we were going or what the time schedule was. Eventually we made our way over to her classroom. I was pleased to see her teacher was the same woman who did her evaluation in the spring. She seems very nice. I also met the two TA's. Bianca actually, though somewhat clingy, did much better than I expected. She definitely likes the classroom. There is alot to see and do and she was playing with some of the things and exploring. Several times, she said she didn't want me to leave. She was holding onto me but not crying. I, on the other hand, had to take many, many extra pictures of her (not exactly a hardship) in order to hide my tears behind the camera so she would not see me!!

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Once pledge of allegiance and morning announcements were over, it was time for parents to leave and kids to start class. I hugged & kissed her, kissed her Kissing Hand heart sticker, told her I loved her and would see her later, have a great day and I bolted from the room, not looking back. I have no idea if she was crying or how she felt. I cried all the way to the car, garnishing a few encouraging words from other parents along the way, got into my car and just sobbed. Sobbed. Sobbed. I called my friend for support and she was trying valiantly to calm me down. I was able to verbalize that I didn't need reason. I can do the calm rationale by myself. It's emotions that I don't do well and I really just needed to let them out. I was spewing all kinds of nonsensical hysteria when it came to the surface......I feel like I abandoned her. I ran out on her when she needed or wanted me. Triggers, triggers, triggers. Old stuff, old stuff, old stuff.

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In my head, I know I did the right thing. The quick exit is the only way to go to not prolong the agony. In my heart, I feel like I just ran out on my baby when she needed me and I'm leaving her to fend for herself in a scary new world. In about 30 minutes, she's going to have to transition to the after school program where she will get onto a bus full of people she doesn't know and go to another new place, with another set of new kids. And I won't even be there to walk her in and help her get set up. She just turned 5 for heaven's sake!! I know, in my head, this is all age appropriate independence, and that there are wonderful people around her to assist her, but I can't help but worry she will feel like I ran out on her. That I am not there for her. Or like she's being forced to grow up too fast and take care of her own needs. I don't want to shelter her but I want to be there for her. And I feel like I'm not. Which triggers me in all my old stuff. I *SO* did not expect this feeling. It's bringing up my own abandonment issues, remembering that I was expected to be a pint-sized adult and deal with my own problems. Remembering that my parents were not there for me when I needed help or protection. I know I need to sort my issues away from her situation or else I will make this harder on her than it needs to be. I did not in any way anticipate this kind of reaction on my part. Oh the joy of PTSD. (spit)

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I am supposed to be working from home but I'm a freaking mess. I am going for my first acupuncture appointment in about 9o minutes. I'm hoping that will help me relax. And, oh how convenient, the acupuncture center is about 5 minutes up the road from Bianca's after school program. So I will be picking her up early today and probably smothering her (or cracking a few ribs) with ginormous hugs and kisses. I seriously need to pull my shit together before then because I'm still crying like a loon. The love for this child is suffocating, entirely overwhelming and all-consuming. She is my world and I just so want for her to be happy and enjoy her childhood. It's a horrible and out-of-control feeling right now wondering what is happening and how she's doing. Wondering if she's crying, scared, missing me? I know, I know, I know that she will be alright in the end. And I know I can't protect her from life. And I know she is not me and her circumstances, feelings and fears are not the same as mine were.

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I'm in agony right now. I recognize that it's primarily pain for me. For the 5 year old in me who wonders why she wasn't good enough or loved enough to be protected.

(Not)Welcome to School

It has been a very emotional few weeks. Bianca has been pretty vocal about not wanting to start Kindergarten. We had to say goodbye to her daycare/Pre-K where she has been for 4 1/2 years. Not easy for either of us. They have been her friends and teachers for so long. I've finally started to make some good friends with the other parents and I've watched all those kids grow up. I love them all so much.

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We went to Kindergarten orientation last spring and the school encouraged us to stop by in the two weeks before the first day to meet staff, see classrooms, etc. Knowing full well that I have a child who needs time to acclimate, I fully intended to take them up on that!! Worth mentioning that Bianca gets that trait from me.... :o) So I also wanted the opportunity to meet people and make myself, and Bianca, known. As a working Mom, it's tough to take time off but I'm blessed with an easy going and family friendly boss so I did take a few mornings to stop by. Each time I've gone, I've had a lovely conversation....with the secretary. Because she's the only one ever there. No teachers, no school nurse (who I needed to talk to about Bianca's minor medical issues & drop off medication to). Furthermore, we didn't find out who her teacher was until Saturday, this past weekend. So it's not like I could even show her her classroom!

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Once we got her teacher assignment, I went to the school Monday morning but there were "no teachers" in the school. They were all at a development meeting. Yesterday, I called in the AM so that I didn't waste another trip and was told, again, no teachers in the building. All in a meeting. As well as I could maintain myself, I told the secretary I realized this has nothing to do with her however....WHY tell the parents they are encouraged to visit when no one is here? Either they need to be upfront that we're not meeting our teachers til school starts or actually be here when they say they will be.

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Lovely secretary says to me "Mrs. is wonderful, she's warm and kind. Your daughter will be fine." Yes, thank you....I'm well aware that she will be fine once she gets used to her new environment. Is that a reason, though, to mislead me with expectations? And more importantly....this is MY BABY. If you think, for one second, I am handing her over to your care without ever having met the staff she will be with day in and day out, you have another thing coming. A HUGE 'nother thing coming. In more precise terms....no fucking way.

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I called my friend Jermaine b/c I know he has #1) been through this with his own kids and #2) has worked as an educator, albeit for college age. I asked him....am I unreasonable? I mean, I realize that she, and all her classmates, will all be fine at some point. Is that a reason, though, to not go an extra mile to actually WELCOME the kids and try to alleviate some anxieties ahead of time? Particularly at transitional years like Kindergarten? My dear friend says "Welcome to Public Academia..... And you've just learned a valuable lesson. You've just learned that Bianca's school is 'faculty friendly' as opposed to 'family friendly'." He guarantees me that the teachers were in the school preparing for class and that the secretary's job on those days is to shield them from the parents.

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Before I enrolled Bianca, I researched all the schools in the district. There are 14 elementary schools in my town. I am fortunate that Bianca is in arguably the best one, or at least one of the top two. One of the statistics I liked was 100% teacher retention for her school. Now I'm not so sure that's as good as I once thought. #1 - it does imply a "faculty friendly" school. I will keep my mind open to the possibility that it doesn't necessarily negate family friendly as well. And #2 - maybe it means the teachers have been there so long that they are "too comfortable" and don't feel the need to put any extra effort toward the families. I'm sure they are lovely, qualified educators. But perhaps they have lost sight of how big a role they are now playing not only in the lives of our children but in OUR (parents) lives as well. At this age, they are more than teachers; they have become a primary caregiver.

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So, I'm off to join the PTA/PTO and see if I can't drum up a little buzz around this. My friend Jermaine gave me many good pointers for my first interactions with her teacher(s). He said he will walk me through this step by step so that her teacher knows if she has only one shred of energy/time left at the end of the day, *Bianca's* Mom is the parent she knows she needs to get back to above all others. Heck, yeah!!!!!!!!!

System Overload

I had T on Weds night. Discussed a few minor topics. The afore mentioned "Not Hungry" not being one of them, of course. Funny how those things slip your mind as you sit on the therapist couch.......
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The thing I did come back to discussing, reluctantly, was this constant feeling of failure in every aspect of my world. It's most prevalent at work. I am so behind and it doesn't seem to be getting any better. In fact, it's getting worse. The worse it gets, the less I want to deal with it. I am overwhelmed with various tasks that are all different yet all important. I feel literally paralyzed in my ability to just choose a task, choose a direction to go and follow through. Seems on the rare occasions that I do choose a task to tackle, I am thwarted either by the appearance of a new task or I realize that there is something I need to complete first in order to finish the task I set out to do. When things get this enmeshed and complicated, I shut down. And I then play and goof off on the computer. And then I feel intense guilt. Which makes me want to goof off more so that I don't have to think about it.
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On Weds, before T, I thought I had a revelation. I thought the computer is my "daytime addiction." When I don't feel like dealing with the reality of what a mess my office is, I zone out and play games. Since I can't binge at work like I do at night, I wrap myself up in something else. ~
I went to share this with Susan on Weds night and she was kind enough to inform me that I'm "normal" Huh? Me, normal? That's not something I'm generally accused of. Although she did also tell me I was a control freak....that's a more familiar observation of myself! But normal? No. She asks what happens to a computer when you give it too many commands and tasks all at the same time? SYSTEM OVERLOAD.....

And what happens when the system overloads? It shuts down. This is not unique to me. Not unique to addicts, trauma victims or people with depression/anxiety issues. It's "normal." What is NOT normal is that I inflict this state of chaos on myself and expect that I will be able to handle it all in stride, perfectly, professionally, calmly, admirably. Withdrawing due to feeling overwhelmed may be normal but the expectations I place on myself to be extraordinary are what is all messed up. And self defeating. As long as I set unattainable goals, I will remain a "failure."

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So how, exactly, does one set about doing this? I've never known any different.