Aha.

Man, I have had really horrid anxiety these past few days.  Worse than in a long time, necessitating the use of Xanax over the weekend.  And now I think I understand why.  Everything in my mom-gut says this ADD route is wrong.  But I recognize that I personally have strong theoretical opposition to it and I don't want that to stop me from getting B the help she needs, *IF* this is what she does need.  So I made that appointment and all hell in my brain broke loose immediately thereafter.  All that anxiety was caused by my making the ADD evaluation appointment.  It's so subjective.  I don't do "subjective".....I want black and white.  I want to look at an irrefutable test result that says "yes, this is the issue."  I don't want to circle a bunch of numbers on a 1-6 scale about behaviors that every kid exibits from time to time and have someone drug my baby as a result.  It's just so........damn unscientific!! 

I'm still going to do the evaluation as due diligence and to see what other avenues they may have to offer me.  B's teacher said to me this morning, as a teacher and as "mom to mom," these are not the academic results she sees with ADD kids.  The observations she made supported my desire to have B tested for CAPD.  I'm going to make that call later today.  She was also able to give me some insight into circumstances in the classroom that could be contributing to B's increased struggle this year.  And she gave me a couple great therapy resources.  I've thought many times about getting B into therapy.  She is pretty buttoned up with me at times.  I'm not sure how to interpret that.  She is a people pleaser so I don't know if she doesn't want to share her struggles with me because she doesn't want to upset me.  Or maybe she picks up on the fact that I am very buttoned up with my problems and does likewise.  In my words, I tell her differently....you can talk to me about anything, this is a safe place to share your fears and feelings, etc.  But by my behavior, I present totally opposite.  Or maybe, as a 9 year old, she simply doesn't know how to make sense of the things she feels.  Her teacher gave me the name of the therapist she uses for her own daughter (her daughter is a survivor of a school shooting massacre) and also told me about another therapist who does art therapy.  I think that may be a great suggestion for B who is creative by nature and gets umcomfortable with the direct "how does that make you feel?" type of conversations.  Since she is interested in telling people what they want to hear, she may do better talking and expressing while distracted by creating. 

So I have some avenues to try.  And also my BFF shared some of her Valium with me.  So I'm hooked up on every angle.  A better day.