Saturday, November 9, 2013

I crave him.

I do.  I find myself craving contact with B's father and I have to ask is this tied into my own father issues?  Because I'm pretty sure that it is.  It has to be, right?  I can't see any other reason for this intense desire to be in contact with him constantly. 

We had an exhange yesterday that was a little questionable.  He made a suggestive comment and I, inadvertently, sortof agreed with him.  I know that sounds dubious, right?  Here is what happened though.  I don't know if I am the only one who does this but, when I am not sure what I want to say in a text, I start typing whatever comes to mind and then I erase, modify, retype, etc,.... I have an iPhone and when I want to erase something, I can just shake the phone to "Undo Typing."  I decided I didn't like what I'd written which was in agreement with his statement so I shook my phone and, in the process of doing so, I must have hit the Send with my finger.  GAH!

In any case, I had agreed but finished the sentence with a "but..." and so I just left it at that.  Anything else I may have tried to say would have looked too much like I was trying to dig myself out of a hole.  I figured the "but" expressed doubt in the statement and, uncomfortably left it alone.  He wrote something a while later that gave me the perfect segue to recover and refocus us on B.

Still, every day with him is just so hard.  I tell him the positive things in B's life which paints a picture that she is fine without him.  I don't want him believing that.  But every time I try to tell him about the struggles it's all wound up together with my anger and my fears and my whole history.  I don't know how to separate the whole mess.

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