Crappy Mood

I'm in a really crappy mood and I'm not entirely sure why. I know I would like to pretty much devour about 15 pounds of junk food right now. I'm vascillating between irate and numb. I get the impression I keep numbing out b/c the emotions are a little too much to handle right now. I know this is the perfect opportunity to "feel my feelings" but I'm at work and don't really feel like having a cry fest in my office. I am tense. My head and neck ache. I've been having chest pains on & off for 2 days. I've been really battling VOMA (my addiction) this week. REALLY struggling with it.

So let me think about my week. Had counseling on Sat. Did some grieving work around my father issues. Had the dream about losing my identity. Sunday was the phone call to my mother that resulted in her email on Monday which sent me into a tirade (here). Started on some serious Inner Child work. Finally got caught up on my bills but am having a slightly tough time financially at this moment. And then.....

Last night on the way home, DD says to me: "I want someone to be my Daddy because my Daddy left." (insert tears here) I tried to explain it to her as best I could but it's been replaying in my mind ever since. Today I was rearranging money in my bank accounts and I noticed that my last child support payment was short and it was a month ago. I usually get deposits on the 7th & 25th. But I've not seen anything since 3/7 and that one was less than it should have been. I called his case worker and she is going to do some checking for me. Anything is possible at this point. My fear is that he's not working or is working under the table and I won't see the $ anymore. I need that money. I knew this issue would rear it's head again at some point. It's been smooth for a year and a half now. I didn't think it would be this soon.

So......in a nutshell my week has consisted of: Father issues, identity issues, inner child work, mother issues, financial worries followed by more father issues and more financial worries.

To top it off, my work day went to hell and I'm in a foul mood. And my T is away until next Weds, unable to be reached. I'm going shopping. I need retail therapy.

The Power of Mothers

In the process of doing my two year review, I dredged up some pretty heavy and unpleasant stuff. This was one such entry from 7/15/06. (Clarification for sake of understanding: After I got divorced, I moved into my mother's house temporarily which was the house where most of my abuse occurred.) This still resonates with me today.....the power of mothers.

Counseling Update: All we focused on last night was the last letter my mom emailed me. It was really tough for me to get through parts of it. T kept asking me what I was feeling or telling me to stick with certain feelings and all I could answer was that I was working so hard not to feel anything about it that it was making me sick. I physically restrain my emotions so hard that it makes my neck and throat ache. That's healthy, no doubt. All that kept going through my mind was "I hate her, I hate her, I hate her…."Right now I'm just questioning all of it. I don't want to do this.I don't know what good it's doing me to feel all of this garbage. And quite frankly I'm pissed off that this still lingers in mylife. Well, I guess linger isn't the right word….it's more like dictates. So I had a mother who made some crappy choices…..for crying out loud, I'm 37 years old. Does it really have to still matter? Why does it still matter? What can she tell me that I don't already know? And what purpose will be served in hearing it all again? I just want to run away. I think living here is making it all so much harder. She is in my face, even when she's not here. I cannot possibly convey how much I loathe living in this place. It is like being held captive in my own personal museum of nightmares. And she's the crypt keeper.I want to run away and never speak to her again. Why do I have to face all this to move past it. I mean, in fact, am I not prolonging it by forcing myself to experience it and face it again? I've managed to cut off ties w/my father and brother and look…..I rarelyhave issues surrounding them. Of course this begs the question if I've really dealt with anything about them or if I've just dissociated from it through "out of sight, out of mind." Who cares though? It's working. I just want to tuck all my family away in a box and have my own life. T said that she is not going to push me any further on this right now and she doesn't want me to do any more writing with my mother. This is obviously the place where I always turn back and run. So she's trying to let me sit here for a little while in hopes that I can get through the next step this time. The last thing in the world I want to do is sit here with all of this. I want to force forward or I want to run away. I would rather poke myself in the eye with a freaking pitchfork than sit here feeling like this for any length of time.Now I don't want you to take any of the following seriously because I am in sound mind and I would never ever carry out anything like this. I simply share it b/c this is a safe place for me and I am trying to express the depth of this pain at this moment. Last night when leaving T's office, I thought to myself about the power of mothers. And I started to cry so hard that I nearly choked. I looked at DD and realized that with some unintentional bad choices, I could totally screw her up and cause her this kind of hurt. And I wanted to kill her to save her from that. And then Iwanted to kill both of us to save us both from it. I just wanted to slam my car into a brick wall and be done with all this garbage. So, as I said….momentary, dissociated thinking and even when it's happening, I'm still coherent enough to know it's my mind and my pain playing tricks on my brain. I would never, never lapse into doing it. But that is how much it aches right now.

Combat Fatigue

The original title of this post was "I feel......uuuuhhhhhh.....????" But I had to change it and you will see why in a moment.

I seem to be doing everything in my power today to avoid figuring out what I'm feeling. So I'm here to try to make myself figure it out just so I can begin releasing it. I know I'm not happy today.

Shell-shocked.....that is how I feel.
Numb.....that is how I feel.
Tired. Overwhelmed. Listless. Sad. Angry. Unmotivated. Disorganized. Stressed.

I got that far and I went to my trusty friend M-W.com to look up "shell shock". And under that entry was simply listed "combat fatigue". So I went to the definition of combat fatigue and it says: post-traumatic stress disorder under wartime conditions (as combat) that cause intense stress
Ironic. Almost funny, actually. I certainly have been fighting a war.....for more years than any decorated veteran. And I'm tired. Just so very tired.

I spent the day with my mother and my DD yesterday. That could certainly be part of it. But I don't know....the anger work I did definitely shifted me in the right direction. Not that I'm done, by any means....but at least I felt like I had a real handle on what the triggers were. My phrase to my mother from anger work was "You get in the way of everything. Why didn't you get in the way of the people who hurt me?"

This is a slightly different spin on what I've recognized my issue with her to be, which is that she wants to help me all the time in things I have no interest in her helping me with. Why now? Why try to help me now? Why not then?

Also, she doesn't listen to me. And so....that's clearly a theme I feel repeating as well. She didn't listen to me then. She doesn't listen to me now. And it's all for her own comfort. I know she *thinks* she is doing what's best for me....but really she is doing something to soothe her own wounds. Yesterday in the city, we were ready for a taxi. There was one parked nearby but there was no driver. I said forget it, we'll find another. Instead of listening to me, she goes over to the cab and then starts scouting nearby people to see who drives the cab. She finds the driver who is in the middle of getting lunch from a street vendor. I keep saying "forget it, forget it....there are a dozen cabs up the road" but instead she interrupts the guy getting his lunch and tells him we need to get to the train station. He looks irritated but says he will take us, which means he has to wait to have his lunch. I just was pissed off at her. I said "Let the guy eat his lunch!" and she says "He can take us...is that okay??" NO IT'S NOT OKAY. Why???? Because I said I was ready to find a cab, she has to get hysterical to "please" me and jump hurdles to get the nearest one. I don't want your help. There is nothing you can do today to make up for what you didn't do when I was a kid. And frankly to see you go out of your way to do something so tiny pisses me off extra.....was it too much trouble to ask you to go out of your way to protect your only daughter?? It was the same thing yesterday with Starbucks. I said I wanted to find a Starbucks. This is NYC, for God's sake....there are Starbucks about every 2 blocks. But as soon as I say I want a coffee, she starts asking every stranger on the street. "Where's the nearest Starbucks?" Dammit. SHUTUP!!!! I am capable of asking for directions......it's not what I want to do. It's a fun day in the city....we're walking around seeing the sights, window shopping. We will stumble onto a Starbucks in no time. It's not like my jugular has been slit and we need to find the hospital, you know?? But that is how hysterical she gets. She seriously cannot stand to see me or my DD want for anything..............................WHY NOT THEN?????? Dammit. I don't want your too-little, too-late offerings now.

You know the fact is that this is just my mother. This is who she is. She desperately wants to make up for what happened, I know that. Except she is only capable of doing it in this manner. I know that. And so, here are my choices:

1. I can confront her and tell her these things. And then she will sulk and apologize and will act funny because she doesn't know how to be any other way. but she will try to be the way I tell her to be. Because she has no idea who she is. She has no identity of her own. She wants to be the way other people want her to be.

2. I can just accept that this is her and set boundaries when I need to. I was on edge yesterday waiting for another episode of her interfering in my disciplining DD. I was prepared to say something...anything. But it never happened. Still...when it happens again, I want to say something to her. You know, but then it's more of #1. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry....I'm so sorry...."

I thought I'd already done #2. I thought when I saw her reaction when I confronted her last summer that I accepted her for what she is. Maybe accepting the facts and accepting HER are not the same. Or, maybe I haven't reached acceptance. Just acknowledgement. Or maybe I really have accepted it but it just still totally pisses me off. I feel like a prisoner of her behavior. If that's how I feel, then it's something I'm doing to myself somehow. How do I set myself free from that?? The thing is, like I mentioned in #1 above, I can say something to her and I know she will try to stop. But it makes things supremely uncomfortable because she doesn't know who to be anymore. And I'd rather have her just continue being the way she is.....it actually irritates me more when she tries to change how she is for my sake. Because she doesn't understand the weight behind it for me. Because it's not real change. It's "keep the peace" acting. And she's a crappy actress. And there will be a million slip ups, and profuse "I'm sorry"s. The apology for existing. Just shove it. I don't want to hear it. I don't want to hear your guilt when you STILL can't, in any meaningful way, acknowledge what happened or hold my brother accountable for anything. I hate that you carry on a separate relationship with him as if nothing ever happened.

I hate that *I* have to do all this extra work to adapt myself to the way she is. Nevermind coming to terms with what she didn't do then, but now having to deal with a whole 'nother set of issues to deal with her guilt-alleviating, unwanted actions. For years, I have told her not to do things for me that I don't ask for. It's pointless for me to ask. She is who she is. She has her good points, no doubt. She's just so clueless.

And I am spending the day with her again tomorrow. *sigh*