The Power of Mothers

In the process of doing my two year review, I dredged up some pretty heavy and unpleasant stuff. This was one such entry from 7/15/06. (Clarification for sake of understanding: After I got divorced, I moved into my mother's house temporarily which was the house where most of my abuse occurred.) This still resonates with me today.....the power of mothers.

Counseling Update: All we focused on last night was the last letter my mom emailed me. It was really tough for me to get through parts of it. T kept asking me what I was feeling or telling me to stick with certain feelings and all I could answer was that I was working so hard not to feel anything about it that it was making me sick. I physically restrain my emotions so hard that it makes my neck and throat ache. That's healthy, no doubt. All that kept going through my mind was "I hate her, I hate her, I hate her…."Right now I'm just questioning all of it. I don't want to do this.I don't know what good it's doing me to feel all of this garbage. And quite frankly I'm pissed off that this still lingers in mylife. Well, I guess linger isn't the right word….it's more like dictates. So I had a mother who made some crappy choices…..for crying out loud, I'm 37 years old. Does it really have to still matter? Why does it still matter? What can she tell me that I don't already know? And what purpose will be served in hearing it all again? I just want to run away. I think living here is making it all so much harder. She is in my face, even when she's not here. I cannot possibly convey how much I loathe living in this place. It is like being held captive in my own personal museum of nightmares. And she's the crypt keeper.I want to run away and never speak to her again. Why do I have to face all this to move past it. I mean, in fact, am I not prolonging it by forcing myself to experience it and face it again? I've managed to cut off ties w/my father and brother and look…..I rarelyhave issues surrounding them. Of course this begs the question if I've really dealt with anything about them or if I've just dissociated from it through "out of sight, out of mind." Who cares though? It's working. I just want to tuck all my family away in a box and have my own life. T said that she is not going to push me any further on this right now and she doesn't want me to do any more writing with my mother. This is obviously the place where I always turn back and run. So she's trying to let me sit here for a little while in hopes that I can get through the next step this time. The last thing in the world I want to do is sit here with all of this. I want to force forward or I want to run away. I would rather poke myself in the eye with a freaking pitchfork than sit here feeling like this for any length of time.Now I don't want you to take any of the following seriously because I am in sound mind and I would never ever carry out anything like this. I simply share it b/c this is a safe place for me and I am trying to express the depth of this pain at this moment. Last night when leaving T's office, I thought to myself about the power of mothers. And I started to cry so hard that I nearly choked. I looked at DD and realized that with some unintentional bad choices, I could totally screw her up and cause her this kind of hurt. And I wanted to kill her to save her from that. And then Iwanted to kill both of us to save us both from it. I just wanted to slam my car into a brick wall and be done with all this garbage. So, as I said….momentary, dissociated thinking and even when it's happening, I'm still coherent enough to know it's my mind and my pain playing tricks on my brain. I would never, never lapse into doing it. But that is how much it aches right now.