I seem to be doing everything in my power today to avoid figuring out what I'm feeling. So I'm here to try to make myself figure it out just so I can begin releasing it. I know I'm not happy today.
Shell-shocked.....that is how I feel.
Numb.....that is how I feel.
Tired. Overwhelmed. Listless. Sad. Angry. Unmotivated. Disorganized. Stressed.
I got that far and I went to my trusty friend M-W.com to look up "shell shock". And under that entry was simply listed "combat fatigue". So I went to the definition of combat fatigue and it says: post-traumatic stress disorder under wartime conditions (as combat) that cause intense stress
Ironic. Almost funny, actually. I certainly have been fighting a war.....for more years than any decorated veteran. And I'm tired. Just so very tired.
I spent the day with my mother and my DD yesterday. That could certainly be part of it. But I don't know....the anger work I did definitely shifted me in the right direction. Not that I'm done, by any means....but at least I felt like I had a real handle on what the triggers were. My phrase to my mother from anger work was "You get in the way of everything. Why didn't you get in the way of the people who hurt me?"
This is a slightly different spin on what I've recognized my issue with her to be, which is that she wants to help me all the time in things I have no interest in her helping me with. Why now? Why try to help me now? Why not then?
Also, she doesn't listen to me. And so....that's clearly a theme I feel repeating as well. She didn't listen to me then. She doesn't listen to me now. And it's all for her own comfort. I know she *thinks* she is doing what's best for me....but really she is doing something to soothe her own wounds. Yesterday in the city, we were ready for a taxi. There was one parked nearby but there was no driver. I said forget it, we'll find another. Instead of listening to me,
You know the fact is that this is just my mother. This is who she is. She desperately wants to make up for what happened, I know that. Except she is only capable of doing it in this manner. I know that. And so, here are my choices:
1. I can confront her
2. I can just accept that this is her and set boundaries when I need to. I was on edge yesterday waiting for another episode of her interfering in my disciplining DD. I was prepared to say something...anything. But it never happened. Still...when it happens again, I want to say something to her. You know, but then it's more of #1. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry....I'm so sorry...."
I thought I'd already done #2. I thought when I saw her reaction when I confronted her last summer that I accepted her for what she is. Maybe accepting the facts and accepting HER are not the same. Or, maybe I haven't reached acceptance. Just acknowledgement. Or maybe I really have accepted it but it just still totally pisses me off. I feel like a prisoner of her behavior. If that's how I feel, then it's something I'm doing to myself somehow. How do I set myself free from that?? The thing is, like I mentioned in #1 above, I can say something to her and I know she will try to stop. But it makes things supremely uncomfortable because she doesn't know who to be anymore. And I'd rather have her just continue being the way she is.....it actually irritates me more when she tries to change how she is for my sake. Because she doesn't understand the weight behind it for me. Because it's not real change. It's "keep the peace" acting. And she's a crappy actress. And there will be a million slip ups, and profuse "I'm sorry"s. The apology for existing. Just shove it. I don't want to hear it. I don't want to hear your guilt when you STILL can't, in any meaningful way, acknowledge what happened or hold my brother accountable for anything. I hate that you carry on a separate relationship with him as if nothing ever happened.
I hate that *I* have to do all this extra work to adapt myself to the way she is. Nevermind coming to terms with what she didn't do then, but now having to deal with a whole 'nother set of issues to deal with her guilt-alleviating, unwanted actions. For years, I have told her not to do things for me that I don't ask for. It's pointless for me to ask. She is who she is. She has her good points, no doubt. She's just so clueless.
And I am spending the day with her again tomorrow. *sigh*