Thursday, April 3, 2008

Crappy Mood

I'm in a really crappy mood and I'm not entirely sure why. I know I would like to pretty much devour about 15 pounds of junk food right now. I'm vascillating between irate and numb. I get the impression I keep numbing out b/c the emotions are a little too much to handle right now. I know this is the perfect opportunity to "feel my feelings" but I'm at work and don't really feel like having a cry fest in my office. I am tense. My head and neck ache. I've been having chest pains on & off for 2 days. I've been really battling VOMA (my addiction) this week. REALLY struggling with it.

So let me think about my week. Had counseling on Sat. Did some grieving work around my father issues. Had the dream about losing my identity. Sunday was the phone call to my mother that resulted in her email on Monday which sent me into a tirade (here). Started on some serious Inner Child work. Finally got caught up on my bills but am having a slightly tough time financially at this moment. And then.....

Last night on the way home, DD says to me: "I want someone to be my Daddy because my Daddy left." (insert tears here) I tried to explain it to her as best I could but it's been replaying in my mind ever since. Today I was rearranging money in my bank accounts and I noticed that my last child support payment was short and it was a month ago. I usually get deposits on the 7th & 25th. But I've not seen anything since 3/7 and that one was less than it should have been. I called his case worker and she is going to do some checking for me. Anything is possible at this point. My fear is that he's not working or is working under the table and I won't see the $ anymore. I need that money. I knew this issue would rear it's head again at some point. It's been smooth for a year and a half now. I didn't think it would be this soon. a nutshell my week has consisted of: Father issues, identity issues, inner child work, mother issues, financial worries followed by more father issues and more financial worries.

To top it off, my work day went to hell and I'm in a foul mood. And my T is away until next Weds, unable to be reached. I'm going shopping. I need retail therapy.

1 comment:

Enola said...

Retail therapy is good. Treat yourself to something. After 25 (is that right?) days binge free you deserve a treat. And I bet you are in need of some smaller clothes too.

You've done a fabulous job of identifying the issues. Sometimes though, there just aren't perfect answers waiting in the wings.