Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Sign of Saturn....she's coming around.

Some time ago, I wrote this post about my most symbolic tattoo.  Most symbolic yet the one I struggle to remember ALL. THE. TIME.   
Paraphrased: Astrologically Saturn has become a symbol for implacable powers, restrictions impossible to overcome, relentless natural forces and the hard, fixed structures of the world of matter. Saturn is known as the Greater Malefic; the bringer of sorrow, and the one who deprives. But Saturn only brings sorrow and deprivation in those areas of a person's life that are based on illusions or unrealistic expectations. Astrologers suggest that the inner being, the self, is protected by the personality, the psychological structure enveloping the self, spirit, inner being, or true individual. Through the imaginations, conceptions, and games of the personality, the inner being is protected until that protection is no longer needed and becomes a hindrance for self-fulfillment. Once this stage of development has been reached the outer shell must be broken. The position of Saturn reveals the way in which the protective shell will break, the price that has to be paid for the freedom necessary for further development, and the pain that has to be endured during the process of really becoming a grown-up, a kind of rebirth.

So this tattoo was always meant to be a reminder of the struggle to find my true self, my rebirth, and more importantly as a symbol of my own power.  Yesterday, I realized that I am not being particularly Saturnine right now. 

I ask myself......is this situation really that big of a deal?? Does it need to be? If I sit so expectantly at A's mercy, won't that energy convey? He may not be that in tune with me (or women in general) but it definitely makes ME feel that he has the upper hand. So let me reframe this. It's a big deal only because I'm allowing it to be a big deal.

A quote from a book that came to mind while pondering this: "Whenever you need something from someone else you become powerless because they can decide not to give it to you."

I REFUSE to be powerless to A or any person!!! I don't NEED him!!! B doesn't need him. We have made it this far without him and we are doing okay. I am extending the olive branch to him for B's sake and also to do my part in her life. But that is the end of my responsibility. This is HIS screw up. Not mine. This is his responsibility to make the effort. Yes, I am absolutely willing to take steps to help make it happen. Literally and figuratively I will meet him halfway.  But I am not at his mercy. I am not his doormat. I am not even his friend. I don't have to accept anything from him that I don't want to. I don't need to walk on eggshells with him. I don't need to worry that if I say the wrong thing, he will no longer want to see his daughter. I don't have to beg for his love (for her)!!!!! Gah this is where it ties into my father. Dammit. And also where I say she doesn't need him. I still feel like I needed a dad & that projects onto her. The desire to "save her" from what I experienced. This part is MY work.....I believe these words in my head but my heart is afraid to release the perceived need.  Hmmmm....I am sure I wrote about this somewhere before about my own father......I need to hunt that down.

Ok.....I reclaim my power. I claim my Sign of Saturn. Excellent. Now what does this mean as far as how I deal with him?? (I'm still thinking about that part & working on a list of guidelines for myself.)  I feel more powerful today.....more centered.  I cannot give him the power to get me so off-balance.  I may wobble.....but I will NOT fall down. 

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