It's a very emotional month for me.
11/2: would have been my 3 year anniversary with XBF
11/9: would have been my friend Nancy's birthday
11/25: my brother's birthday
Day before thanksgiving: my friend Nancy died 2 years ago on that day
Thanksgiving....just full of feelings, memories, disappointments: A day that should be shared with family. The dysfunctional family that I don't see. The functional and close family I don't have but do crave. It was the day I met XBF's family for the first time 3 years ago as we planned our life together and then we spent 4 days together housesitting for his friends and we "played house", just knowing this would be how the rest of our lives would be. BS!
I sort of feel like I miss XBF but I don't think it's nearly as much about him as it is about just wishing my life was in a different place and the expectation that he was my future. I know it was all based on fantasy but it was so real at the time. And lets face it....fantasy is so much more appealing than reality! This time last year, he and I were house hunting together. How it all fell apart so quickly, from planning to spend our lives together to being broken up and not speaking anymore in a matter of months....I just have no idea. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad we are broken up because I see how wrong it was now. I see how much I lost myself in him; how many of my own needs were suppressed to accomodate him. I won't have that again. And while I know the relationship was doomed from the start because of HIS issues, I also see where he gave me so many opportunities to express what I was holding in and I didn't do it. I see where he may have lost his respect and love for me because of it. And I'm beating myself up about it a bit. Why? What good does that do? It doesn't. I need to just process it and release it.
Speaking of process and release.....my friend J was over the night before TGiving. She recently broke up with her BF and so it's an emotional holiday season for her as well. She's been journaling in her laptop for several months about the whole relationship, all she's learned through the process. Thanksgiving morning, we were watching the parade, she was journaling and I was baking. And she accidentally deleted a huge chunk of her journal. I feel for her because I've done this before and it's devastating. In the midst of her breakdown, I found myself almost envious of the way she was able to express what she was feeling and thinking. She was openly sobbing, reached out to me for a hug and support, was screaming in anger about how much this process sucks and how learning, growing, being strong etc is too hard to keep up all the time. She called her parents to talk to them about how she felt! Can you imagine? Being able to call your parents and cry about your feelings?? Aaah! Even just being able to express all of those feelings so fully in the moment. It was so foreign to me.
Saturday, November 24, 2007
Dreams
I used to almost never dream. It seems that lately I've been dreaming quite regularly but I almost never remember them. Often after I've been awake for a while, I'll have a glimpse of something and realize that I did have a dream that would be a good one to remember but I never get past that glimpse. I woke up this morning and I do remember something I dreamt about last night. I believe it was 2 different dreams. Each one very telling.
Dream #1: I wish I could remember how it began but it was about a snake. Someone told me about this snake and I want to say I think it might have been my brother but I might be confusing this with the other dream. In any case, the snake had an addiction to heroin and it would come around looking to be rubbed down with heroin which it then apparently soaked in through it's skin. Whoever it was who told me about it told me that he was an understanding snake and it was safe to interact with him. If I didn't have heroin, I could just rub the snake and it would appease him enough and he'd leave. So I wasn't worried when the snake came to me looking to feed it's addiction. I didn't have heroin so I just rubbed the snake, rubbed him down with water and talked to him. He was happy with that and he left. This happened several times until he came to me in a seemingly "strung out" kind of state, swollent, angry, demanding. I was about to try my usual method of placating him when he began to hiss and threaten me. The water rub down was not going to cut it. I had to go get him some heroin that minute. So I had to go to the street and find a way to purchase the drugs. I returned with it and rubbed him down. He appeared to go into a trance like state of being high and I also did. I don't know if it's pertinent but it seemed this all took place in a very stark white bathroom and there was water on the floor that he swam &/or slithered in.
Dream #2: I was in a hospital, working in the hospital. Somehow...the hospital ended up with a "gorilla infestation". I put that in quotes because I said it over and over and over in the dream. There is a gorilla infestation. It seemed to be all baby or at least smallish gorillas. They were everywhere. And they wanted/needed to be held or to just be in the presence of people. So they were surrounding us, all the people in the hospital, staff and patients alike. We were unable to work; we were sitting on beds with groups of gorillas just piled on top of us. Couldn't walk down the hall, go to the bathroom, care for anyone without being surrounded. I kept trying to talk to other doctors and the chief of staff about the problem and no one seemed concerned. I finally said I was going to call the AMA (American Medical Association) for assistance and I was told not to do that, that if we just did what the gorillas wanted, they would eventually go away. I kept trying to get any other doctor on my side to call an authority with me and no one would support me. In fact, they began to treat me like I didn't exist because they were so opposed to getting involved in reporting it. I managed to make it outside without any gorillas and I think I was in Hawaii....in fact, my cousins husband and kids were there (they live in HI but I've never met them...weird) And the hospital seemed to be going through some sort of renovation and the crew from Extreme Makeover: Home Edition was there. They were about to do their big unveiling of the renovations and I pulled him aside and told him about the gorilla infestation. At this point in the dream, I realized that I was still in a panic about the gorillas but I hadn't seen one in a while so I began to wonder if they were still there or if the whole thing even happened at all. I felt stupid for gettin Ty all worked up about it. But at least he supported my decision to call for help. I snuck back into the hospital and got to an empty room which was my brothers room. I tried to look in a phone book to find the number for the AMA. I called an operator for assistance and requested the emergency # for the AMA. She told me I had to text the word "brother" to a certain # for emergency assistance. Then my brother actually walked in on me in his room and that is all I remember.
Sooooo......no rocket science needed to gather the meaning of either dream. They are filled with my brother. By the way, I should probably mention that tomorrow is my brother's birthday and I know my mother is getting together with him today. The first one is about my own addiction. The second about trying to get someone to hear me &/or help me in what happened with my brother. It struck me as I was writing dream #1...the stark white bathroom. I think that is the bathroom at my mothers new house. And the end of the dream, where I became high as well.....aahhhh, sweet dissociation. And dream #2, the hospital. My mother works in a hospital. In fact, this conjured up memories of a dream I had several years ago where I was attacked in a hospital and was trying to get someone to help me but everyone was bustling around like they didn't even see me. So I guess it's about my mother's unwillingness/inability to help me in the abuse.
Dream #1: I wish I could remember how it began but it was about a snake. Someone told me about this snake and I want to say I think it might have been my brother but I might be confusing this with the other dream. In any case, the snake had an addiction to heroin and it would come around looking to be rubbed down with heroin which it then apparently soaked in through it's skin. Whoever it was who told me about it told me that he was an understanding snake and it was safe to interact with him. If I didn't have heroin, I could just rub the snake and it would appease him enough and he'd leave. So I wasn't worried when the snake came to me looking to feed it's addiction. I didn't have heroin so I just rubbed the snake, rubbed him down with water and talked to him. He was happy with that and he left. This happened several times until he came to me in a seemingly "strung out" kind of state, swollent, angry, demanding. I was about to try my usual method of placating him when he began to hiss and threaten me. The water rub down was not going to cut it. I had to go get him some heroin that minute. So I had to go to the street and find a way to purchase the drugs. I returned with it and rubbed him down. He appeared to go into a trance like state of being high and I also did. I don't know if it's pertinent but it seemed this all took place in a very stark white bathroom and there was water on the floor that he swam &/or slithered in.
Dream #2: I was in a hospital, working in the hospital. Somehow...the hospital ended up with a "gorilla infestation". I put that in quotes because I said it over and over and over in the dream. There is a gorilla infestation. It seemed to be all baby or at least smallish gorillas. They were everywhere. And they wanted/needed to be held or to just be in the presence of people. So they were surrounding us, all the people in the hospital, staff and patients alike. We were unable to work; we were sitting on beds with groups of gorillas just piled on top of us. Couldn't walk down the hall, go to the bathroom, care for anyone without being surrounded. I kept trying to talk to other doctors and the chief of staff about the problem and no one seemed concerned. I finally said I was going to call the AMA (American Medical Association) for assistance and I was told not to do that, that if we just did what the gorillas wanted, they would eventually go away. I kept trying to get any other doctor on my side to call an authority with me and no one would support me. In fact, they began to treat me like I didn't exist because they were so opposed to getting involved in reporting it. I managed to make it outside without any gorillas and I think I was in Hawaii....in fact, my cousins husband and kids were there (they live in HI but I've never met them...weird) And the hospital seemed to be going through some sort of renovation and the crew from Extreme Makeover: Home Edition was there. They were about to do their big unveiling of the renovations and I pulled him aside and told him about the gorilla infestation. At this point in the dream, I realized that I was still in a panic about the gorillas but I hadn't seen one in a while so I began to wonder if they were still there or if the whole thing even happened at all. I felt stupid for gettin Ty all worked up about it. But at least he supported my decision to call for help. I snuck back into the hospital and got to an empty room which was my brothers room. I tried to look in a phone book to find the number for the AMA. I called an operator for assistance and requested the emergency # for the AMA. She told me I had to text the word "brother" to a certain # for emergency assistance. Then my brother actually walked in on me in his room and that is all I remember.
Sooooo......no rocket science needed to gather the meaning of either dream. They are filled with my brother. By the way, I should probably mention that tomorrow is my brother's birthday and I know my mother is getting together with him today. The first one is about my own addiction. The second about trying to get someone to hear me &/or help me in what happened with my brother. It struck me as I was writing dream #1...the stark white bathroom. I think that is the bathroom at my mothers new house. And the end of the dream, where I became high as well.....aahhhh, sweet dissociation. And dream #2, the hospital. My mother works in a hospital. In fact, this conjured up memories of a dream I had several years ago where I was attacked in a hospital and was trying to get someone to help me but everyone was bustling around like they didn't even see me. So I guess it's about my mother's unwillingness/inability to help me in the abuse.
Friday, October 12, 2007
Date Afterthoughts, part 2
I figured it out. As I pondered and spoke with a close friend about it, I figured it out. It's not about sex. It is about trust to a degree, not just in another person, but trust in ME. But overwhelmingly, it's about CONTROL. I am flipping out and running in circles because I have no ability to control the outcome of the situation. And by obsessing about this, I am actually giving the control to him in the situation. Look, I even said that I would not know how I felt about it until I saw how he acted afterwards. Does that sound like the empowered statement of a woman who has decided to reclaim herself? Um, no. I am terrified to make a "mistake". Well, my task right now is to decide what *I* want to do. Not what I think he wants me to do. Not what I think I'm obliged to do. And not to feel bad because it seems like something others would judge as the wrong thing to do. I like him. I'm going to decide what I want to do and I'm going to go with it and know that, whatever the consequence, I did what was right for me. I claimed my power and I followed through with what I wanted. *Phew*
Afterthoughts from my date..........
Went on a second date last weekend. First date went really well. Nice connection. He was kind, respectful, gentlemanly. Intelligent, funny....a little "dorky" in an endearing way. SO cute. :o) Incredible eyes, inviting mouth, nice and tall which I love. Second date went equally well....we took a stroll, did a little shopping, went out for coffee. He was showing signs of being very interested. That's good, I'm interested too. When we were leaving, things got quite "hot & heavy" in the goodbye kisses and progressed into wandering hands and that kind of thing. I'll spare the details. I can safely say that, if we'd been somewhere private, we would have slept together. Since then, I've been tossing the issue around big time. We may get together this weekend and I feel like I need to be clear on how I'm feeling. But I'm having trouble identifying it.
I guess I'm just in this new place where I feel like, as long as I am being true to myself and I'm comfortable with how things are going, all is well. I'm trying to avoid getting lost in things/people..... feeling like I am "expected" to do certain things. I was feeling fine until I started going on circles on the sex issue and now I can't tell if I'm just being ridiculous and creating an issue where there is none or if I'm stuck in thinking about it because I'm not feeling comfortable about it Unfortunately, because of my history.....it's easy for me to slip back into certain "modes" when it comes to sex. It can be as much a dissociation as it can be a connection. I'm not sure if I'm uncomfortable.....I guess I'm just questioning my motivation for wanting to rush into sex with him. Is it simply that he's cute and I haven't had sex in 10 long months?? I mean it really could be that simple but then I start to think bigger picture and just wondering what I'm doing. Is this what I want? I'm stepping outside of the sex part and looking at how we interact which, up til this point was fine, fun and casual. Now it's mostly sex flirtation and I'm not sure how I feel about that even though I helped to create it. So, again.....not sure if I have a valid point to think about or if I'm just creating a roadblock. I think about the last time I had casual sex and it was awful in the emotional standpoint. It was something out of a movie. But I knew going into it that he was a player...I just chose to ignore it because he was hot. I didn't listen to myself. I can reluctantly admit I was just hoping that the evening together would "sway" him into feeling something for me. Instead, I left there feeling like a fool. I said I didn't want to do that again (casual sex).....but then I changed my whole tune about relationships and not really wanting one now. So, does that mean no sex? And how do I really feel about intimacy without an emotional connection? It's SUCH a loaded topic for me. I don't feel like I want to back out of what I began with him.....I just feel like I need to understand it and I really hate having to analyze why I want to have sex, b/c it kinda takes some fun out of it!! I guess better that than a regret. It's just new territory. Actually, more accurately....and why it's becoming an issue, I think....it's OLD territory with a new perspective. I guess I'm questioning if old behaviors done with new wisdom/clarity are still old behaviors that were once very destructive. I guess the bottom line of all of this is.....for whatever reason, something has happened, be it real or self-created, that has given me doubt and I should not do anything til I figure out if it has merit. Dammit.
I'm re-reading what I've written up to this point and I think I'm identifying something. I don't want to be made a fool again. I think that is what I'm coming away with. I don't know him well enough to know if this is all he wants from me. I'd like to think I've come far enough to be able to say I don't get the player vibe off of him. But people's deception skills can shock me. I do know for a fact that I'm not chosing to ignore something that is there. He's not exhibiting anything that I would deem shady or dishonest. It seems to me that I have a pattern going here.....I am the most comfortable in the situation with a man I'm not interested in being head over heels for me. Total control. Nothing to lose. No vulnerability. I'm safe, I'm protected. If I never talk to this person again, I will not care one bit. Yeah, baby....that's how I like it. In reality, I yearn to let someone into my heart......I ache to share my soul with someone who loves me in return. But it hurts too much letting people in. It's why I'd let them in my bed but not in my heart. I waited...waited for them to fall for me before I would fall for them. And when they did fall for me, I pushed them away. When they didn't, I just chalked it up to some recreational sex. No harm done. Dear god...the harm that has really been done. I have no idea how to gauge where sex is appropriate. Do emotionally healthy people have casual sex? I am beginning to think that my current relationship ambivalence is really a paralyzing fear to open myself up to hurt again. I seem to not understand anything in between. (me & my black & white thinking) It's "not me" to go slowly and get to know someone. Does physical intimacy alter the ability to get to know someone on an emotionally intimate level? I suppose it does not as long as you are on the same wavelength. But how to know if we're on the same wavelength without talking about it and how to keep things casual if I do choose to talk about? And why am I trying to keep it casual yet thinking about sleeping with him at the same time?? Alot of conundrums, here.
I want to because: I miss sex. It's been a long time and I really want to feel that closeness to someone. I like him. He's cute. He's sweet. I *think* he's a good guy. He is the first person I've had this feeling about since I started dating again. I've certainly had other opportunities to have sex but haven't taken them so I know it's not just about missing sex.
I hesitate because: I don't *know* if he's a good guy. I don't want it to end up like the last time I had sex with someone I didn't know well.
I think I might be feeling a small twinge of obligation b/c I definitely was so into it last time and I let him know (non-verbally) that I would have taken it further if I could have. Is it unreasonable to get swept away in the heat of the moment? Would I have regretted it if I had done it? Honestly, that would all depend on his actions from that point forward. Why do my feelings depend on his feelings? Am I going into this with an expectation? Well, yes.....my expectation is that he is the person he portrays himself to be. I don't expect him to be a great love of my life. I don't think he's that kind of guy for me. I also don't feel like I want that now. But why? Do I need to question why if I just know it's how I feel right now? Yeah, I think I do....because I think that sometimes I can even fool myself. Will I be able to get better at this if I don't make a few attempts and see how it feels? Or will I stay stuck and paralyzed? If I run with this, am I ignoring my own warning lights? I want to be this "cool girl" who doesn't care about having a boyfriend and doesnt need to talk things to death with a guy I'm dating. It's been feeling really comfortable to me....but now I'm not so sure how much that really is me or how much of it is just a comforting, protective persona. God damn, I'm so good at putting on a mask, I can't even recognize it myself.
I guess I'm just in this new place where I feel like, as long as I am being true to myself and I'm comfortable with how things are going, all is well. I'm trying to avoid getting lost in things/people..... feeling like I am "expected" to do certain things. I was feeling fine until I started going on circles on the sex issue and now I can't tell if I'm just being ridiculous and creating an issue where there is none or if I'm stuck in thinking about it because I'm not feeling comfortable about it Unfortunately, because of my history.....it's easy for me to slip back into certain "modes" when it comes to sex. It can be as much a dissociation as it can be a connection. I'm not sure if I'm uncomfortable.....I guess I'm just questioning my motivation for wanting to rush into sex with him. Is it simply that he's cute and I haven't had sex in 10 long months?? I mean it really could be that simple but then I start to think bigger picture and just wondering what I'm doing. Is this what I want? I'm stepping outside of the sex part and looking at how we interact which, up til this point was fine, fun and casual. Now it's mostly sex flirtation and I'm not sure how I feel about that even though I helped to create it. So, again.....not sure if I have a valid point to think about or if I'm just creating a roadblock. I think about the last time I had casual sex and it was awful in the emotional standpoint. It was something out of a movie. But I knew going into it that he was a player...I just chose to ignore it because he was hot. I didn't listen to myself. I can reluctantly admit I was just hoping that the evening together would "sway" him into feeling something for me. Instead, I left there feeling like a fool. I said I didn't want to do that again (casual sex).....but then I changed my whole tune about relationships and not really wanting one now. So, does that mean no sex? And how do I really feel about intimacy without an emotional connection? It's SUCH a loaded topic for me. I don't feel like I want to back out of what I began with him.....I just feel like I need to understand it and I really hate having to analyze why I want to have sex, b/c it kinda takes some fun out of it!! I guess better that than a regret. It's just new territory. Actually, more accurately....and why it's becoming an issue, I think....it's OLD territory with a new perspective. I guess I'm questioning if old behaviors done with new wisdom/clarity are still old behaviors that were once very destructive. I guess the bottom line of all of this is.....for whatever reason, something has happened, be it real or self-created, that has given me doubt and I should not do anything til I figure out if it has merit. Dammit.
I'm re-reading what I've written up to this point and I think I'm identifying something. I don't want to be made a fool again. I think that is what I'm coming away with. I don't know him well enough to know if this is all he wants from me. I'd like to think I've come far enough to be able to say I don't get the player vibe off of him. But people's deception skills can shock me. I do know for a fact that I'm not chosing to ignore something that is there. He's not exhibiting anything that I would deem shady or dishonest. It seems to me that I have a pattern going here.....I am the most comfortable in the situation with a man I'm not interested in being head over heels for me. Total control. Nothing to lose. No vulnerability. I'm safe, I'm protected. If I never talk to this person again, I will not care one bit. Yeah, baby....that's how I like it. In reality, I yearn to let someone into my heart......I ache to share my soul with someone who loves me in return. But it hurts too much letting people in. It's why I'd let them in my bed but not in my heart. I waited...waited for them to fall for me before I would fall for them. And when they did fall for me, I pushed them away. When they didn't, I just chalked it up to some recreational sex. No harm done. Dear god...the harm that has really been done. I have no idea how to gauge where sex is appropriate. Do emotionally healthy people have casual sex? I am beginning to think that my current relationship ambivalence is really a paralyzing fear to open myself up to hurt again. I seem to not understand anything in between. (me & my black & white thinking) It's "not me" to go slowly and get to know someone. Does physical intimacy alter the ability to get to know someone on an emotionally intimate level? I suppose it does not as long as you are on the same wavelength. But how to know if we're on the same wavelength without talking about it and how to keep things casual if I do choose to talk about? And why am I trying to keep it casual yet thinking about sleeping with him at the same time?? Alot of conundrums, here.
I want to because: I miss sex. It's been a long time and I really want to feel that closeness to someone. I like him. He's cute. He's sweet. I *think* he's a good guy. He is the first person I've had this feeling about since I started dating again. I've certainly had other opportunities to have sex but haven't taken them so I know it's not just about missing sex.
I hesitate because: I don't *know* if he's a good guy. I don't want it to end up like the last time I had sex with someone I didn't know well.
I think I might be feeling a small twinge of obligation b/c I definitely was so into it last time and I let him know (non-verbally) that I would have taken it further if I could have. Is it unreasonable to get swept away in the heat of the moment? Would I have regretted it if I had done it? Honestly, that would all depend on his actions from that point forward. Why do my feelings depend on his feelings? Am I going into this with an expectation? Well, yes.....my expectation is that he is the person he portrays himself to be. I don't expect him to be a great love of my life. I don't think he's that kind of guy for me. I also don't feel like I want that now. But why? Do I need to question why if I just know it's how I feel right now? Yeah, I think I do....because I think that sometimes I can even fool myself. Will I be able to get better at this if I don't make a few attempts and see how it feels? Or will I stay stuck and paralyzed? If I run with this, am I ignoring my own warning lights? I want to be this "cool girl" who doesn't care about having a boyfriend and doesnt need to talk things to death with a guy I'm dating. It's been feeling really comfortable to me....but now I'm not so sure how much that really is me or how much of it is just a comforting, protective persona. God damn, I'm so good at putting on a mask, I can't even recognize it myself.
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
Conundrum
I've been mulling some thoughts over and I realized something. Some sort of a personal catch 22. I've had anxiety and panic issues for quite some time and I eventually identified that it escalates in situations where I feel my power being compromised....where I feel like I'm going to lose myself in another person or situation.
Yet, I look at my previous "Sex or No Sex" post and see that anxiety/panic also sets in when I am faced with owning my power and really getting down to the nitty gritty of dealing with myself.
Soooooooooooooooo....which is it?? Which do I want? I panic at losing myself and I panic at finding myself. No wonder dissociation has been a friend to me.
I know that I want to "find" myself. I know that I deeply desire the ability to feel what I'm feeling, identify it, let it process fully and move on from it. I wish to God that it were that easy. And then I wonder why it is NOT that easy. I've asked before and will ask again....isn't that a basic human function? I assume that it is but seriously, I'm not sure!! I assume that "normal" people just feel what they feel and move on. But maybe not. I just don't know. I hate not knowing. I hate gray.....give me black and white. Give me check lists and instructions.
Yet, I look at my previous "Sex or No Sex" post and see that anxiety/panic also sets in when I am faced with owning my power and really getting down to the nitty gritty of dealing with myself.
Soooooooooooooooo....which is it?? Which do I want? I panic at losing myself and I panic at finding myself. No wonder dissociation has been a friend to me.
I know that I want to "find" myself. I know that I deeply desire the ability to feel what I'm feeling, identify it, let it process fully and move on from it. I wish to God that it were that easy. And then I wonder why it is NOT that easy. I've asked before and will ask again....isn't that a basic human function? I assume that it is but seriously, I'm not sure!! I assume that "normal" people just feel what they feel and move on. But maybe not. I just don't know. I hate not knowing. I hate gray.....give me black and white. Give me check lists and instructions.
Monday, September 10, 2007
Sex or no sex?? (TMI)
I think I miss sex. I miss the connection felt with another person. I miss just the physical sensation. When I first dated my last boyfriend, it was the first time in my life I ever experienced love making. How sad....at 35....was the first time I was in love with the person I was intimate with. And there has been no shortage on the list of people I've been intimate with. When he and I made love, it was a totally different experience than anything I'd ever experienced before and I knew I never wanted to go back to plain old sex. He and I broke up. The first time. And it was 8 months later that I slept with a guy I had no feelings for. And it was a completely empty experience. Then the boyfriend and I got back together the following month. And a year later, we broke up again. Here I am.....7 months post-breakup. Haven't dated anyone special. No real prospects on the horizon. And I'm thinking about sex. Sex has never really had a proper place in my life so I'm trying to blog out what is behind the desire.
1. The first thought that comes to mind....am I trying to force another relationship? "Sex as a Weapon" is no stranger to me....it was often a tool to get something I wanted, from a material thing, to attention, to a momentary escape. Am I tapping into an old misnomer that giving sex will get me something I want? I guess I am lonely for adult companionship....I miss having that someone special to share my day with.
2. Second thought is similar to the first.....am I trying to recreate old feelings? The old feelings of actually being IN love and making love. I still have unresolved issues from my last relationship. Am I attempting to recapture some of that emotion by creating a scenario in my mind? Because Lord knows I can turn a crappy reality into a lovely fantasy if I so choose.
3. And this one really came to me as I was writing the opening paragraph.....distraction. I think my new medication is actually working and it's stripping away my energy to keep up the facade and the need to keep myself busy all day every day. I realized in my last counseling session that I'm really very focused on my daughter right now. Not that I shouldn't be, but I've basically said she is my reason for living right now. Clearly, that unhealthy level of focus on her is because I'm trying hard NOT to focus on me. So this would fall right in line. I guess it's no coincidence that the day I indentified that was the same day I started considering casual sex again. That is an old distraction technique. And I have NO doubt it would not work the same way it used to. But then again, nothing is working the way it used to work. Not eating, not cutting....not sex.
So now I know.....I think it's probably a bit of a combination but overwhelmingly door #3 is the winner. Especially when I consider the timing of those feelings. Boy, I sure want to avoid feeling what I need to feel. I'm ready, though....I really am. It just feels so unfamiliar.
1. The first thought that comes to mind....am I trying to force another relationship? "Sex as a Weapon" is no stranger to me....it was often a tool to get something I wanted, from a material thing, to attention, to a momentary escape. Am I tapping into an old misnomer that giving sex will get me something I want? I guess I am lonely for adult companionship....I miss having that someone special to share my day with.
2. Second thought is similar to the first.....am I trying to recreate old feelings? The old feelings of actually being IN love and making love. I still have unresolved issues from my last relationship. Am I attempting to recapture some of that emotion by creating a scenario in my mind? Because Lord knows I can turn a crappy reality into a lovely fantasy if I so choose.
3. And this one really came to me as I was writing the opening paragraph.....distraction. I think my new medication is actually working and it's stripping away my energy to keep up the facade and the need to keep myself busy all day every day. I realized in my last counseling session that I'm really very focused on my daughter right now. Not that I shouldn't be, but I've basically said she is my reason for living right now. Clearly, that unhealthy level of focus on her is because I'm trying hard NOT to focus on me. So this would fall right in line. I guess it's no coincidence that the day I indentified that was the same day I started considering casual sex again. That is an old distraction technique. And I have NO doubt it would not work the same way it used to. But then again, nothing is working the way it used to work. Not eating, not cutting....not sex.
So now I know.....I think it's probably a bit of a combination but overwhelmingly door #3 is the winner. Especially when I consider the timing of those feelings. Boy, I sure want to avoid feeling what I need to feel. I'm ready, though....I really am. It just feels so unfamiliar.
Why do I like my scars?
I was speaking with a friend earlier today and she was checking on my SI status. I haven't done in it a while, I told her. Just once, last week. I mentioned that my first incident of SI (this time around) is scarring pretty badly. Funny, because I didn't even feel like it was as bad a cut as anything I've done since then but it turned out to be the worst of them all. Hmm....that thought in itself just gave me pause. Isn't that the case in real life, as well. Sometimes the things that seem the most benign are the things that scar the deepest. I know, for me, you would think the sexual abuse would be the worst. But it is not what hurts me the most. It is the rejection by my parents and their failure to protect. I should have been their most prized possession....and instead I was disregarded.
Anyhow....my friend suggested a scar reducing cream to me and I said that for some reason, I don't know why, I like my scars. Why do I like my scars? What do they represent for me? I think perhaps the same thing that the actual injury represents.....a visible sign of inner pain? Part of me feels it's a badge of strength that I was able to endure the pain.
Yet when my three year old daughter sees any of the marks on me, I want to hide them from her. I don't want her to see them. It breaks my heart when she asks to kiss my boo-boos. I guess I don't want to associate my greatest joy with my deepest pain? I don't want her to have to be anywhere near something so evil and destructive. Like it will somehow rub off on her? Or that she will remember it and think it's an acceptable way to deal with things because Mom did it?
The weirdest part about this post is that, as I type it, my scars are tingling and throbbing....they NEVER feel this way. I almost never feel them. Odd.
Anyhow....my friend suggested a scar reducing cream to me and I said that for some reason, I don't know why, I like my scars. Why do I like my scars? What do they represent for me? I think perhaps the same thing that the actual injury represents.....a visible sign of inner pain? Part of me feels it's a badge of strength that I was able to endure the pain.
Yet when my three year old daughter sees any of the marks on me, I want to hide them from her. I don't want her to see them. It breaks my heart when she asks to kiss my boo-boos. I guess I don't want to associate my greatest joy with my deepest pain? I don't want her to have to be anywhere near something so evil and destructive. Like it will somehow rub off on her? Or that she will remember it and think it's an acceptable way to deal with things because Mom did it?
The weirdest part about this post is that, as I type it, my scars are tingling and throbbing....they NEVER feel this way. I almost never feel them. Odd.
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