Strange Dream

I need to write this out just to see if I can make sense of it.

I had a dream that I was getting married to DD's bio father, "A". I remember feeling very stressed during the wedding. A and I were not speaking. We clearly did not even like each other, letalone love! It was a very chaotic affair with people everywhere, a huge banquet facility filled with ornate columns, man made ponds and fountains. I was surrounded by a doting group of women, presumably my bridesmaids, but I don't know who any of them were. There was a point that I needed to make an entrance into the reception. It was to be an introduced entrance, the way a bride & groom would come into the reception together, but it was just me. I was stressed out b/c I had DD with me and I needed someone to stay with her so I could do this. I went to A and asked him to stay with her and he was completely dismissive, too busy talking with his group of friends. I'm not sure if he did end up taking her but someone must have because I was able to compose myself and make my grand entrance. I remember "putting on the happy face", kindof standing behind closed doors alone, smoothing my wedding dress, fluffing my hair, generally primping. I took a deep breath and put on a huge happy-bride smile as the doors opened. I came out grinning, waving and greeting my guests.

I recall being very preoccupied with the wedding gifts and keeping an eye on them because I suspected that A was going to try to take them. As the reception was winding down, I stuffed all the gifts into a black garbage bag (Oh....Lightbulb.....There is "garbage" again in my dream....4th time now) and I thought they were hidden. Then I was trying to escape from the wedding. I had a man and a woman with me. Actually, I think the man was not "with" me, but rather leading me out to a secret exit from the facility. And the woman....I *think* it was my mother but I'm not sure. I recall going down into something like a service kitchen and the man was showing me the way out through a small tunnel that had a conveyor belt in it. I was trying to take pieces of wedding cake with me and my mother was putting them on the conveyor wrong so that they were being squashed and I got mad at her. I remember being exasperated that she couldn't follow simple instructions on how to get out.

I got to the other side and I was in a parking garage by myself. Then I was back inside the reception hall looking for my bag of gifts. When I found them, the bag was half empty and I realized that A had taken a bunch. I was very disheartened but I took what was left and I got in my car. I began to pull out and I ended up stopped behind A in his car. I confronted him about the missing gifts and I realized what a huge mistake we'd made by getting married. He and I went together back into the reception hall where there was a room with a long table. Sitting at the table was this panel of like judges or something and I began sobbing and asked for an annulment. I felt like I'd been in a huge amount of denial just trying to get through this wedding and, only once it was over, was I able to see clearly that it was the wrong thing to do. I felt ashamed for making such a monumental error but relieved that we were able to annul it. And, again, I was very preoccupied with the gifts. I wanted to get them all back so I could be in charge of returning them to everyone.

Okay.....I open this up for interpretation, I'm usually the one who is all over dreams but I can't make sense of this one. My dream dictionary isn't really helping me because I am sure this all goes together in one big story, not as much images & symbolism as other dreams. This is the first dream that I've remembered the bulk of in a long time. I did notice, like I "lightbulb"ed, that there was another garbage reference in this dream. And this is my second wedding dream; the first was about 3 weeks ago. A wedding dream symbolizes a new beginning or transition in your current life. Dreams involving weddings are often negative and highlight some anxiety or fear. It often refers to feelings of bitterness, sorrow, or death. Alternatively, wedding dreams reflect your issues about commitment and independence.

I'm not sure if it's about the situation with A which has been very present in my mind. I don't know if maybe it's about XBF. Maybe it's about both of them? Last night, DD mentioned XBF as her Daddy again and I had my first of what I'm sure will be MANY talks with her about the significance of the Daddy title and explaining that XBF really didn't behave like a Daddy should have so it's okay if we stop calling him Daddy now and only refer to him by his name.

I don't know if the dream is about fathers in general and this process I've been completing of letting go of my own father expectations. I don't know what significance the appearance of my mother in the dream has, and my exasperation with her. And I really don't understand why the gifts were such a big deal. I'm at a loss.

Taking Out The Trash

I wish that I could remember more about my dreams but I can't. I do know that I've been riddled with them lately. But as soon as I wake up they begin to immediately disappear from my memory. I'm left with only a handful of scattered images.

This morning as I was thinking about the few glimpses of a seemingly complex dream I had last night, I realized that I have some recurring themes in the past 10 days or so. Naturally.....I need to delve into this a bit more!


I've dreamt of taking out the trash three times.
I've had two dreams of being chased. One time, the chase was by a bear, the other time by a person.
I've had two dreams that involved packing and moving.

Trash: To dream that you are throwing away your garbage, suggests that you are kicking your old negative habits and throwing away your bad characteristics and unwanted traits.

Chase: To dream that you are being chased, signifies that you are avoiding a situation that you do not think is conquerable. It is often a metaphor for some form of insecurity. In particular, to dream that you are chased by an animal, represents your own unexpressed and unacknowledged anger which is being projected onto that animal. Alternatively, you may be running away from a primal urge or fear.

To dream that you are being pursued or attacked by a bear, denotes aggression, overwhelming obstacles and competition. You may find yourself in a threatening situation. Alternatively, bears symbolize the cycle of life and death and renewal. It may signal of period of introspection and thinking. The dream may also be a pun on "bare". Perhaps you need to bare your soul and let everything out into the open.

**A note about the "chased by a bear" dream. My father was in it also and I can't recall in what capacity but I'm 100% certain he was there. Mt first thought was that I have anger work surrounding my father to do. And then I read the second half of the "bear" entry. Cycle of life, death & renewal. I wonder if this goes along with my creation of my "dream father" and then saying goodbye to him, followed by saying goodbye to my expectations for my real father. Which makes more sense considering the following two definitions:

Packing: To dream that you are packing, signifies big changes ahead for you. You are putting past issues and/or relationships to rest and behind you. Alternatively, it represents the burdens that you carry.

Moving: To dream that you are moving away, signifies your desire or need for change. It may also mean an end to a situation or relationship and your are moving on. Alternatively, it indicates your determination and issues regarding dependence/independence.

Not a repeating theme but part of last nights dream was that I was cheating on a boyfriend and he walked in on us having sex. (Specifically, I dreamt I was Carrie from Sex & the City and that Aidan walked in on me having sex with Aleksandr [Mikhail Baryshnikov]....not exactly a bad dream, lol!) Anywaaaaay....To dream that you are cheating on your mate suggests feelings of self-guilt and self-betrayal. It may also indicate anxieties of changing your identity. And, well....the sex part of the dream apparently was a simple indication that I'm craving physical &/or emotional intimacy. Duh!! I didn't need a dream interpretor to tell me that one!! LOL!

It's 9:30am....is the day over yet?

I feel like I've been beaten down already this morning. Really it started yesterday. I had/have so much to get done at home and I didn't get even a fraction of it done yesterday. That frustrates me to start off with. But DD was really clingy. Potty training has gone really well and she hasn't had any accidents in over 2 weeks but she's still holding "#2" for days at a time. She was really whiney yesterday. I know she had to go badly but every time she got on the potty, she would cry that she didn't want to go. I gave her prunes, I pumped her up with water, I started her back on the laxative the Pedi RXed for her, I let her soak in the bath for well over an hour. No avail. She was crying and just generally miserable. She didn't nap and I tried to put her to bed early but she kept wanting to try the potty. I know it was a ploy but I knew she also had to go.

I'm really not a patient person, by nature, so it's really tough for me to wait this all out and continue to be pleasant and supportive. I just SO want to believe that logic can work on this 3 year old!! Anyway, I finally put her to bed and she was whining in her sleep. She woke up several times in the night crying. Wanted me to carry her to the potty. She kept saying she only had to pee. I was starting to worry that her time in the bath gave her a UTI. She wanted me to hold her in bed (oh yeah, she came to my bed around 11:30pm) which I did even though I was running later for work by the second. Finally I got in the shower and then I could hear her sobbing from my bed. I called her into the bathroom and she said she wanted to try potty again. There I am naked & soapy trying to help her. She says she wants to go, gets on the potty and then cries that she doesn't want to go. I had to rinse off & finish my shower with her crying hysterically. Relaxing! (I should mention that my morning showers, while she sleeps, are one of my "essentials"...it's where I breathe, meditate, mentally prepare for my day, etc.) And so it continued.....she crying, me trying to get us ready, she saying she doesn't want to go to school, on & on & on. She kept hiding under her bed with her binky. When we went downstairs to get our stuff together & go, she turned into Question Girl. Under my feet & touching everything. "What's this? Why is it that? What does it do? How does it work? Can you show me? But why is it called this? Why is it this color? Can I play with it? Why not? Can I bring it in the car? Is that coffee? Do you like coffee? But I don't like coffee. Why do you like coffee? Is that enough? Why not? Do you want to make more? Why are you putting ice in it? Can I see? Can I put ice in it? Can you put ice in my cup? Why are you opening the freezer? I want to open the freezer. What is that? Can I play with that?....." With eyes glazed over and blood pressure somewhere in the stroke-level stratosphere, I'm sure, we're finally ready to go. So I set the alarm, at which point we have 60 seconds to get out the door. And naturally as soon as I open the door to run out, she sees something inside that she wants, runs to get it then stands at the door not wanting to go outside and starts to cry. So I open the door and then she starts screaming that she wanted to open the door and tries to pull it shut so that she can open it and I have to grab her arm and basically shove her out the door as she's screaming so that the alarm doesn't go off. And then she's outside in the rain screaching at me and refusing to get in the car or in her seat as I get drenched trying to keep my cool with her, reminding myself she doesn't feel good.

She fell asleep in the car 3/4 of the way to school and so I had to wake her up, juggle carrying her with all her stuff and trying to keep an umbrella over us to get inside where she is uber clingy and doesn't want me to go. Finally I manage to talk her into sitting with one of her teachers for a story and as I'm leaving, I see her sad little face crying and saying "Don't go!" And so naturally, I cried all the way to work. Once I got here, I called daycare to make sure she was alright. Well, that was a mistake. They tell me she is in the corner crying for me and won't let anyone near her. It is the worst feeling in the world knowing my baby doesn't feel well and wants nothing more than to be at home with me and I'm not there for her.

The "V" Word, Part 2

Starting with 2 quick updates:
#1 ~ (from the 2:20am post) I had my glass door replaced the following morning. Thought alot about it and I really believe it was something unintentional; perhaps some kids playing baseball in the yard or something. I'm feeling mostly okay...just *slightly* on edge.
#2 ~ As of yesterday, I've completed 45 days binge free. I don't know why I'm not feeling very excited about it. I know it's good news. But I'm just kindof "eh".

Alrightee.....getting back to the "V" word. Vulnerability, Part Two.

More from what I found online:
What are some benefits of vulnerable behavior?
The following vulnerable behavioral traits can be beneficial:

Being open to new possibilities in life enables you to explore your options more freely and to gain insight into the healthiest and most productive, growth-enhancing alternatives for yourself.

Being helped through a support group or counseling situation enables you to gain assistance, helping you cope with your life and circumstances that have had some emotional impact on your mental health adjustment.

Opening yourself up to new social circumstances enables you to meet new people who have the potential of becoming true emotional supports.

Not always pleasing or placating others, letting them see your negative side, enables you to feel less responsible for everyone elses' welfare and takes the sense of burden out of your life.

Not always being a "do for" person, letting others accept the responsibility to do for themselves, enables you to lift the weight of obligation out of your life. You can enjoy being with people, not feeling burdened or tied down by them.

Using healthy communication, with good give and take, enables you to clarify areas in which you need to grow, to change, improve, and strengthen your relationships.

Being open to deal with emotional issues gives you a chance to identify the blocked feelings and beliefs that have prevented you from enjoying full health and well-being.

Letting others into your "emotional life space" enables you the opportunity to experience an authentic, supportive, growth-enhancing relationship.

Tuning into your own feelings enables you to recognize your personal humanity and gives you a healthy perspective of yourself, your problems, and your place in life. It enables you to be focused realistically as you face your problems and concerns.

Being open to change and altering your behavior patterns gives you the chance to rid yourself of unproductive and maladaptive habits that impede your emotional health and personal growth.

What behavior traits will help you open yourself to vulnerability?
Trying new behaviors *Done this!
Taking a risk *Done this!
Initiating contact with strangers *Done this!
Tuning into feelings of others and yourself *Doing this
Willingness to get help for yourself *Done this
Being open to receiving help and support from others *Ehhh....I'm trying
Being honest with others and yourself when it would be easier to lie in order to avoid conflict *I've been trying it
Accepting change when it comes your way *Who said the "C" word???
Looking for deeper reasons or motives for your own behavior *Possibly a little too much!
Self-disclosure of your weaknesses to others *ACK!! I think I need to breathe into a paper bag just reading this one!!!!
Being direct and precise about your feelings, beliefs, and attitudes when discussing them
Willingness to listen to honest feedback *Sure, when it's positive & from the right person! Other than that, not so much. LOL.
Dealing with anger in a productive, non-offensive manner (Insert laughter here)
Letting go of fears that impede your movement toward others
Letting go of guilt or remorse over the past *Think I'm okay on this one
Letting go of hostility, bitterness, and resentment toward others for past hurts *Still working on this one.
Development of trust in others' good will *Yeah....no.
Willingness to be seen as weak or emotional *I'm going to pretend I didn't see this one! La-la-la-la!!
Accepting your humanness, failures, and mistakes as OK *Go back & read the intro to my blog.......not bloody likely!!
Understanding the reasons you are risking vulnerability *I do
Feeling secure enough to admit your failings, mistakes, and losses

Steps to increase your ability to be vulnerable and grow
Step 1: Read the material in this section, then answer the following questions in your journal:
a. Do you believe that being vulnerable makes you a candidate for personal growth? What are your reasons for this belief? Yes, I do. For me, I know that I restrict my vulnerability out of fear. Living in fear is certainly not parallel with personal growth. It would take a tremendous leap of faith for me to show my vulnerability and that will certainly prove growth on my part.

b. Do you resist or avoid being in a growth situation in which you feel vulnerable? What are some of your reasons for avoiding being vulnerable? I don't know that it's a "growth" situation that I avoid. It tends to be personal relationships which are most affected. I avoid being vulnerable for a variety of reasons. As I've already stated, fear is one. Another is my unrealistic desire to maintain an illusion of perfection. Another is self-preservation. If no one can get close to me, no one can hurt me. If I don't depend on anyone, no one can disappoint me.

c. What behavior traits illustrate your avoidance of vulnerability? Unwillingness to reach out to my friends when I'm hurting. Quick dismissal of possible romantic relationships. Extreme difficulty accepting advice from others. Unwillingness to be seen as weak or needy.

d. What beliefs lead you to avoid vulnerability and growth? Past experiences had taught me to believe that vulnerability = pain. There have been many times in my life I've made myself vulnerable and it's ended disastrously. What I need to remember are that those experiences began when I was unable to decipher even what vulnerability was. And I've made poor, uninformed choices in later life of who to open up to. I think, of late, I've considered the risk:reward ratio and decided that no amount of reward was worth the slightest risk. This thinking needs to be reprogrammed.

e. What behavior traits need to be developed in order to be vulnerable and grow? I need to be "the turtle"....Slow & Steady Wins The Race. I think I need to develop more confidence in myself, first of all. Reprogam my thinking. As I quoted before "Fear & discomfort do not kill you". I have to evaluate who is deserving of my trust and vulnerability, then dole it out in gradual amounts to see how it goes. It's okay if it feels scary at first. There is no reward without the risk. I have to be willing to take the risk in order to enrich my relationships. I've done it in therapy....it took me years but I've done it. I go in there open and vulnerable. And you know....it's been more rewarding by far since I began approaching it that way.

Steps 2 - 5 to follow.

A summary for myself about what I've written here. My problem areas with vulnerability seem to be:
1. Reaching out to others for help
2. Admitting my own weaknesses, humanness, failures & mistakes
3. Accepting feedback from others
4. Dealing with anger
5. Trusting other people

Tick Tock

After much consideration, and consulting with two friends, I decided to write back to "A". (See back story here.)

The last thing he'd written to me was that the discontinuation of child support payments was due to a payroll error & would be straightened out by end of month.

When DD was first born, A had excuse after excuse for me why he wasn't sending money. Car accident, travelling for work, medical bills, trying to get a personal loan, waiting for money taken on early pension withdrawal, payroll issues. On & on & on & on. It was all lies to keep me at bay. So his latest excuse doesn't sit well with me at all.

It's incredibly hard for me to keep it to business with him. There is SO much emotion behind it. Every letter I began to write turned into a diatribe of my grievances with him. It reeked of statements intended to provoke guilt on his part. It made ME vulnerable to him by laying my emotions out on the table. It gave HIM the power. Yet it's the approach I still was compelled to use. Why? Why do I think if I keep trying the same thing that I will somehow end up with a different result? Because for some reason, I take the responsibility for this on myself. I've got to tell you that I gave a great deal of pause to the situation after I posted about the fact that he told me he didn't want to be involved, well before DD was even born. I really am still thinking that one over. I knew what I was getting myself into.....in theory. It was my own dismissive thinking that told me not to worry about that fact. More on that in a minute.

After many drafts and tears, this is what I wrote back to him yesterday:
This answer doesn't really cut it for me. It's been nearly 7 weeks since (DD) has received any support. What does this mean that it will "be resolved by the end of the month"? Will the missed payments be made up at that point? If you were aware of this "payroll issue" then why didn't you notify me of the potential problem? It's your responsibility to keep on top of this.....again, not mine to be chasing after you.

This vague answer is entirely too reminiscent of conversations we had in the past when you were being less than straightforward. I've called support enforcement who has sent a delinquency notice to your employer. If this is not resolved, we're going to have to go back to court and I'm sure neither of us want to go that route again.

I'd like a more concrete date and I'd like to know about the missed payments. If they are not coming through direct deposit with the resolution of this "issue", then I expect you to send a check. I have expenses for (DD) that cannot wait for weeks on end.

After I hit the "send" button, I felt on the verge of a panic attack. Had I not been so tired & at work, I would have taken a Xanax. I had to reach out to my IM buddy (Thanks, friend!) for support and perhaps even so she would remind me to breathe!! I felt like I was going to pass out. By the end of the day, I was entirely drained and I ended up going to bed the same time as my DD, when I usually stay up til midnight!

I know this was the "right" way to engage with him. But it goes against everything in my nature to be cold and demanding. I also believe that there is a certain part of me that relates my own father issues to the circumstance with A. So maybe some of my extreme emotion was due to the fact that I felt I was "confronting" my own father in some way?? I'm not sure (mental note---topic for next T session!) So....tick tock, tick tock....I'm waiting to see if he will write back to me.

Back to what I was pondering before....I have trouble distinguishing the fuzzy lines on this whole thing. He lied to me. I told him I could not get pregnant. It was not a lie but it turned out to be untrue. He told me he didn't want to be involved. Do I have the right to demand child support and to have anger at his denial of my DD? I know whenever you make the choice to become intimate with someone, it carries this risk. And I know that an adult takes responsibility for their actions, even when it's difficult. I don't know. I'm trying to intellectualize it so no wonder I can't figure it out. I think it's just something I need to feel and grieve.

Numerology: A light hearted post

So on the radio yesterday, the morning show I listen to featured a Numerologist. She was doing sample readings and people were saying how accurate she was. So I went to a Numerology website where they give a free sample reading with your name and date of birth.

It is so completely inaccurate, I am cracking up!! I'm only including a very small amount of the reading because it's quite long.

Your life path number is number 1, and so you are probably also blessed with a great drive and burning desire to be "number one" at whatever you do. A little bit, I think that plays into the desire to appear "Perfect". This is pretty much the end of anything remotely true.

Unfortunately, your competitive spirit sometimes gets you into trouble with friends and family, as work and ambition take precedence over emotional relationships. Ummm, no....definitely not.

You have been born into wealth and privilege and coddled by lucky circumstances into becoming "great" in some way. The number 1 is the number of the hero. HA!! Coddled by lucky circumstances?!?!?!? Yeah...hooray for my privileged upbringing!

You are also usually blessed with good health, vitality and endless inspiration. Yes, because panic attacks, depression and addictions go hand in hand with "good health"

Your number is very connected with the divine and you often feel especially connected to God. All I can say to this one is.......BWAAAAH HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

(Okay, this part is true....) Many number 1's spend their early years learning not to be dependent on others as fate throws difficult relationships and situations their way. That is very characteristic of number ones whose life lessons are usually about "letting go", "releasing control" and "overcoming great odds."

As a number 1 you may also need to watch a tendency towards arrogance or over confidence. Yeah....my arrogance is a real problem. I'm downright cocky. (eyeroll)

Being a number 1, you are also likely to achieve some measure of fame in your life. This is because you are destined to be "the one that is loved by all" as opposed to "the one that is loved by one other." It sometimes takes number ones a lifetime to realize that being adored by many is not such a bad thing. "I'd like to thank my fans, without whom none of this would be possible......."

Your Potential Natural Talents and Abilities
You are at the height of your self-expression when you feel that others are experiencing "being high on life" like you are. One of your personal goals may be to uplift humanity or spread joy or enthusiasm wherever you go. And I make sure to carry my spankies & pom poms with me all the time!! Gimme a "A"!!

As you are a great innovator your career choice may be unorthodox in some way. Presently, I am barricaded in my workshop with my lightbulb hat on, hunched over vials of potions. "I think today, I will reverse Global Warming......"

You consider the accumulation of experiences to be your greatest wealth so you may choose a career in which you travel a lot so you can meet as many people and encounter as many different kinds of situations as possible. If, by this, you mean that I would prefer to become a hermit in my own home and have as little contact with the outside world as possible, then sure....you hit it on the head!

You also have a natural dexterity that makes it easy for you to learn and play music. Threes are often blessed with a natural sense of comic timing as well as rhythm. This makes you an excellent dancer. I took ONE piano lesson and never went back because it was a nightmare. As for the rhythm & dancing.....I'm pretty sure the term "White Girl Overbite" came to be while someone was watching me attempt to dance. Really, my 3 year old is embarassed by me.

You rarely take anything that happens to you in life personally, a trait that frustrates your enemies to no end. This ability to let stuff "roll off your back" serves you well in the many complex emotional situations that threes often get into. Riiiiight. Because that's what I've been saying for the past 100 posts.....eh, I don't worry about any of this crap. Let it roll right off my back.

You relate better to large groups of people then you do one on one. Those large groups DO tend to congregate around the wall flower huddled in the corner most of the time.....

As threes are often no shows in their family lives and rarely have time to pay attention to their lovers they are likely to show their affection by giving lavish gifts. Was it wrong to buy my boyfriends spaceships and private islands because I was busy inventing sunshine and dogs??

As you adore being in the spotlight you probably dress to impress. Either you dress in the latest trendy fashions or in an eccentric fashion that makes it impossible for others not to notice you. And my millions of adoring fans will be able to see me on the runway at New York fashion week setting the trends with my "Frugal Single Mom" line......complete with authentic wear & tear, plunging necklines held together with safety pins.

The ultimate achievement of your life expression is to change the consciousness of others so that they aspire to their highest ideals. One way that you do this by continually reminding them through your actions that these ideals can be manifested through kind and wise action on earth. Ummm...well, I recycle....

What You Desire To Be, To Have, and To Do In Your Life
Your soul urge is to be the best at everything that you do. You play to win and when you don't win you suffer a serious crisis of faith. It makes you think that there is no God. I was SURE it was Mrs. Peacock in the Library with the Revolver. Why oh why has God forsaken me???!?!?!?

Most ones are born into lives that encourage their personal development and in particular the expression of their free will. Uhhhhhhhh......

In ancient cultures flaunting your talents and wealth was thought to attract "the evil eye." In your case the evil eye is often others desire to see your pride crushed or watch you take a big fall off your pedestal. You on the other hand don't understand why others can't see that you are special. Oh, I'm fairly sure there are MANY others who see me as "special".....

In your universe you are the sun and everything and everybody else rotates around you. Damn straight....dance little puppets, dance for me!!!!!

Your eagerness to be recognized for your talents sometimes turns you into a braggart. This often incurs the wrath of others, as it seems that you really are concerned with taking care of number one and nobody else. The only "number one" I've been dealing with was potty training my DD. If that incites anyone's wrath, they can feel free to come change diapers for me.

If you feel you are a failure you also risk the temptation of escaping into addiction or fantasy. You may get involved in troubling situations with emotionally disturbed people so that you can feel like the hero by rescuing them. THAT pretty accurately describes my love life.

The conflict that you face is the age-old battle between your will and what fate has to offer. When bad things happen to number ones they tend to give up entirely. This is part of a damaging all or nothing mentality. This type of attitude often puts you in situations that are humiliating as you often persist out of pure stubbornness even though all signs point to eventual failure. What are we saying here? I should give up my plans for world domination?? Blast!!!!

In honor of my 100th post...

I changed my blog template. This is a little more "me" than the previous! Since there was nothing pink, swirly and flowery.....I suppose this will do for now!! :o)