Tick Tock

After much consideration, and consulting with two friends, I decided to write back to "A". (See back story here.)

The last thing he'd written to me was that the discontinuation of child support payments was due to a payroll error & would be straightened out by end of month.

When DD was first born, A had excuse after excuse for me why he wasn't sending money. Car accident, travelling for work, medical bills, trying to get a personal loan, waiting for money taken on early pension withdrawal, payroll issues. On & on & on & on. It was all lies to keep me at bay. So his latest excuse doesn't sit well with me at all.

It's incredibly hard for me to keep it to business with him. There is SO much emotion behind it. Every letter I began to write turned into a diatribe of my grievances with him. It reeked of statements intended to provoke guilt on his part. It made ME vulnerable to him by laying my emotions out on the table. It gave HIM the power. Yet it's the approach I still was compelled to use. Why? Why do I think if I keep trying the same thing that I will somehow end up with a different result? Because for some reason, I take the responsibility for this on myself. I've got to tell you that I gave a great deal of pause to the situation after I posted about the fact that he told me he didn't want to be involved, well before DD was even born. I really am still thinking that one over. I knew what I was getting myself into.....in theory. It was my own dismissive thinking that told me not to worry about that fact. More on that in a minute.

After many drafts and tears, this is what I wrote back to him yesterday:
This answer doesn't really cut it for me. It's been nearly 7 weeks since (DD) has received any support. What does this mean that it will "be resolved by the end of the month"? Will the missed payments be made up at that point? If you were aware of this "payroll issue" then why didn't you notify me of the potential problem? It's your responsibility to keep on top of this.....again, not mine to be chasing after you.

This vague answer is entirely too reminiscent of conversations we had in the past when you were being less than straightforward. I've called support enforcement who has sent a delinquency notice to your employer. If this is not resolved, we're going to have to go back to court and I'm sure neither of us want to go that route again.

I'd like a more concrete date and I'd like to know about the missed payments. If they are not coming through direct deposit with the resolution of this "issue", then I expect you to send a check. I have expenses for (DD) that cannot wait for weeks on end.

After I hit the "send" button, I felt on the verge of a panic attack. Had I not been so tired & at work, I would have taken a Xanax. I had to reach out to my IM buddy (Thanks, friend!) for support and perhaps even so she would remind me to breathe!! I felt like I was going to pass out. By the end of the day, I was entirely drained and I ended up going to bed the same time as my DD, when I usually stay up til midnight!

I know this was the "right" way to engage with him. But it goes against everything in my nature to be cold and demanding. I also believe that there is a certain part of me that relates my own father issues to the circumstance with A. So maybe some of my extreme emotion was due to the fact that I felt I was "confronting" my own father in some way?? I'm not sure (mental note---topic for next T session!) So....tick tock, tick tock....I'm waiting to see if he will write back to me.

Back to what I was pondering before....I have trouble distinguishing the fuzzy lines on this whole thing. He lied to me. I told him I could not get pregnant. It was not a lie but it turned out to be untrue. He told me he didn't want to be involved. Do I have the right to demand child support and to have anger at his denial of my DD? I know whenever you make the choice to become intimate with someone, it carries this risk. And I know that an adult takes responsibility for their actions, even when it's difficult. I don't know. I'm trying to intellectualize it so no wonder I can't figure it out. I think it's just something I need to feel and grieve.