Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Strange Dream

I need to write this out just to see if I can make sense of it.

I had a dream that I was getting married to DD's bio father, "A". I remember feeling very stressed during the wedding. A and I were not speaking. We clearly did not even like each other, letalone love! It was a very chaotic affair with people everywhere, a huge banquet facility filled with ornate columns, man made ponds and fountains. I was surrounded by a doting group of women, presumably my bridesmaids, but I don't know who any of them were. There was a point that I needed to make an entrance into the reception. It was to be an introduced entrance, the way a bride & groom would come into the reception together, but it was just me. I was stressed out b/c I had DD with me and I needed someone to stay with her so I could do this. I went to A and asked him to stay with her and he was completely dismissive, too busy talking with his group of friends. I'm not sure if he did end up taking her but someone must have because I was able to compose myself and make my grand entrance. I remember "putting on the happy face", kindof standing behind closed doors alone, smoothing my wedding dress, fluffing my hair, generally primping. I took a deep breath and put on a huge happy-bride smile as the doors opened. I came out grinning, waving and greeting my guests.

I recall being very preoccupied with the wedding gifts and keeping an eye on them because I suspected that A was going to try to take them. As the reception was winding down, I stuffed all the gifts into a black garbage bag (Oh....Lightbulb.....There is "garbage" again in my dream....4th time now) and I thought they were hidden. Then I was trying to escape from the wedding. I had a man and a woman with me. Actually, I think the man was not "with" me, but rather leading me out to a secret exit from the facility. And the woman....I *think* it was my mother but I'm not sure. I recall going down into something like a service kitchen and the man was showing me the way out through a small tunnel that had a conveyor belt in it. I was trying to take pieces of wedding cake with me and my mother was putting them on the conveyor wrong so that they were being squashed and I got mad at her. I remember being exasperated that she couldn't follow simple instructions on how to get out.

I got to the other side and I was in a parking garage by myself. Then I was back inside the reception hall looking for my bag of gifts. When I found them, the bag was half empty and I realized that A had taken a bunch. I was very disheartened but I took what was left and I got in my car. I began to pull out and I ended up stopped behind A in his car. I confronted him about the missing gifts and I realized what a huge mistake we'd made by getting married. He and I went together back into the reception hall where there was a room with a long table. Sitting at the table was this panel of like judges or something and I began sobbing and asked for an annulment. I felt like I'd been in a huge amount of denial just trying to get through this wedding and, only once it was over, was I able to see clearly that it was the wrong thing to do. I felt ashamed for making such a monumental error but relieved that we were able to annul it. And, again, I was very preoccupied with the gifts. I wanted to get them all back so I could be in charge of returning them to everyone.

Okay.....I open this up for interpretation, I'm usually the one who is all over dreams but I can't make sense of this one. My dream dictionary isn't really helping me because I am sure this all goes together in one big story, not as much images & symbolism as other dreams. This is the first dream that I've remembered the bulk of in a long time. I did notice, like I "lightbulb"ed, that there was another garbage reference in this dream. And this is my second wedding dream; the first was about 3 weeks ago. A wedding dream symbolizes a new beginning or transition in your current life. Dreams involving weddings are often negative and highlight some anxiety or fear. It often refers to feelings of bitterness, sorrow, or death. Alternatively, wedding dreams reflect your issues about commitment and independence.

I'm not sure if it's about the situation with A which has been very present in my mind. I don't know if maybe it's about XBF. Maybe it's about both of them? Last night, DD mentioned XBF as her Daddy again and I had my first of what I'm sure will be MANY talks with her about the significance of the Daddy title and explaining that XBF really didn't behave like a Daddy should have so it's okay if we stop calling him Daddy now and only refer to him by his name.

I don't know if the dream is about fathers in general and this process I've been completing of letting go of my own father expectations. I don't know what significance the appearance of my mother in the dream has, and my exasperation with her. And I really don't understand why the gifts were such a big deal. I'm at a loss.


Austin said...

“It was a very chaotic affair with people everywhere, a huge banquet facility filled with ornate columns, man made ponds and fountains. I was surrounded by a doting group of women, presumably my bridesmaids, but I don't know who any of them were. There was a point that I needed to make an entrance into the reception. It was to be an introduced entrance”

I noticed the falseness of it all. Man made ponds, water they chose and a direction they chose it to flow in. The people part of your wedding were doting but you didn’t know any of them. How do you trust that behavior from complete strangers? Instead of walking in with your partner as tradition dictates you walked in alone. That stood out for me. Where there should have been partnership with two people showing that they’ve bonded and vowed themselves to each other only one went into the ceremony. You needed some assistance to deal with the situation but were denied it by someone who should have given it. Despite walking alone and despite being denied assistance from that individual you still walked into a group full of people pretending that everything was okay, that you were not stressed or anxious or upset in the least. You hid how you truly feel. (I believe there’s a bear dream that mentions hiding feelings.) You packed up your gifts in a garbage bag and tried to escape the charade but not without an ordeal.

One thing that also struck me is the destruction of the wedding cake itself. You tried to save some of it but part of the cake was squashed. Many married couples save a slice of cake for years upon years as a symbol of their vows, their commitment and love. The slices you were saving were squashed by your mother’s inability to do something simple. In my opinion, the cake is reasonable expectations not met.

In the beginning of the dream I say the gifts are parts of you scooped up and saved, rescued so to speak. At the end I’d say they’re an apology for pretending everything was okay when it wasn’t.

Interesting is that you kept finding yourself back in the reception hall, right back to where very uncomfortable things took place, where you were expected to smile and be a happy bride. You kept finding yourself right back as square one. Also interesting is that correction of the mistake took place in the reception hall. This says to me, the hall is you.

I AM NOT a doctor or therapist, just willing to toss out a few things that I noticed in the dream.


Perfect said...

That was some very good insight, Austin, thank you!!! It's too full of volatile topics for me to be able to pick it apart. Sometimes I'm just too close to see the meanings.