Hey, this is progress!!!!

As I mentioned in my earlier post, today is my DD's 4th birthday. We've been making a VERY big deal of her special day!!! I'm so excited to celebrate her and make her feel cherished. I'm leaving work shortly to bring an ice cream party to her school. From there, we're going to get our nails done, the park and then out to dinner. Maybe ice cream. And some serious snuggle time at home.

After I got to work, a familiar thought popped into my head. "I wonder if Donor realizes it's her Birthday." But here is the progress.....the "new & improved" thought that followed "Eh, who the hell cares?!?"

Last year, that thought nearly ruined my day. Wondering if he remembered and then wondering if my other XBF remembered (for clarification, I began dating XBF when DD was 2 mo's old and he took on the role of "Daddy" for a couple years) And then my father issues surfaced and I had all this old emotional garbage to deal with.

Today....the thought showed up again without the emotional power it has held in the past. And THAT, friends, is a reason to party!!!

Four Years Ago.....

Four years ago, right now....I was awakened by my water breaking. And 15 hours later, my DD entered my world. It was all a blur. She was 7 weeks premature. I was scared and overwhelmed. The whole labor/delivery process was surreal to me. I'd heard her cry. I had a team of strangers doing all sorts of post-labor disgusting things to my body. I remember them bundling her up and she had that goopey ointment over her eyes. They showed her to me like a bottle of wine, as if presenting for my approval. She opened her little newborn slate blue/gray eyes and we looked at one another briefly. I said "okay" and she was whisked off to NICU. I put my head back down and tuned out as I wondered "What the HELL just happened???" and thought "Holy Crap. I'm a mother."

The past 4 years have been a roller coaster of the most intense highs, lows, unbelievable joy and blood curdling screams (LOL) I've ever experienced. I would not trade it for the world. Happy 4th Birthday, my baby girl!!

Suffocating, Part 2 (ie: really long vent)

In no particular order:
Work is insanely busy and I'm attempting to do way more work than I'm capable of doing. While I've been honest about being behind and being overwhelmed, I don't have any real outlet to seek assistance. I've taken on a huge project which will require my time and focus over the next 3 months. In the long run, it will benefit everyone including me. But I'm not sure how I'm going to muddle through in the meantime. I've all but given up being online (socially) & even blogging during the day which were my stress-relief outlets.

It seems like I am only putting out fires while I'm here with no real opportunity to get caught up. So many things are so far behind that I'm working in reaction to the complaints or second requests instead of being proactive and on top of things as I like to be. It seriously compromises my intent to be "superwoman" and be able to do it all, and do it perfectly, all the time. And to top it off, I'm having some sort of internet issue that locks up all my sites and requires a restart about 6 times a day. Maddening.

My home is beyond disaster and verging on sty. The kitchen has not a square inch of empty counter. It's piled with dishes (some clean, some dirty), birthday cake projects (attempting to make some shaped cakes for DD's Bday), and all the things that accompany that....mixer, frosting, sprinkles, recipe books, etc etc etc. Let's not even talk about the kitchen floor that is in such desperate need of sweeping and mopping, it's disgraceful.

I've not done laundry, except for the quick emergency "Crap, I have nothing to wear in the morning, let me throw in a skirt and a pair of underwear" load, in 2 weeks. Thank God DD has more clothing than she can possibly even wear before the season is over.

My shower is starting to turn funny colors in the corners because I haven't had time to scrub it (since the 2am pre-court hearing anxiety scrub). I've been reduced to putting a scrub cloth under my foot and running it around the tub while I'm washing my hair. The shower curtain liner is beginning to polka dot at the bottom and since I don't have time to soak it in bleach, I just bought a new one. The new one is, of course, sitting on the counter still in it's package.....

Every night we come home and I dump everything on the dining room table because there is nowhere else to put it and no time to sort it. My mother is coming over for dinner tonight and I'm thinking we'll need to have a picnic on the living room floor. Which, of course, has not been vacuumed.

My contractor never finished my projects and I'm living with 2 holes in the wall, un-grouted tile walkway in the front hall, no carpet edge protectors so they are starting to fray, no floor molding in the kitchen, no doors on the basement closets and various other small projects that are starting to grate on my every last nerve.

Speaking of the basement.....just oh.....dear.....God.

Bills unpaid, not because I have no money but I never seem to find the time to sit & do it. The times I've attempted to pay things online it's been such a hassle that my blood pressure shoots through the roof. "Enter your PIN".....oh, the PIN you sent me when I opened the account in 1992?? Yeah, don't have that handy. No PIN? That's okay, request a new one. We'll mail it to you in 10 business days (while your bill becomes late and we charge you for that). Don't want to wait? That's okay....just put in the 3 digit code on the back of your card. Oh....that would be the card I threw in the garbage because I didn't want to use it to charge anything! That's okay....you can request a new card. You'll get it in 10-14 business days. Finally, I got the new card and brought it to work so I could pay the bill on my lunch hour and what does it say when I open it? "Must be called from HOME phone to activate card" Argh!

I fear that I'm screwing up DD left and right. I feel like the worst parent sometimes with no ability to give DD the life tools I want her to have.

I need to expand my social circle and have no idea where I will fit that into my life. And, God help me, there are days I really miss having a boyfriend. Last night was certainly one of them.

I have gained so much weight and I hate myself for it. I can't even look in the mirror anymore. I'm so disgusted. Which doesn't stop me from eating 2 pieces of DD's cake and hating myself for that, too. I am ashamed to be out in public.

I'm going to a wedding this weekend that DD is not invited to. For the first time, I really wanted someone else to watch DD for me. I really didn't want to depend on my mom. She was working, anyway. I asked 9 teachers at DD's daycare and none of them could do it. My mother ended up changing her work schedule so she could be available. I'm appreciative but I just wanted to do it without her involvement for a change. And frankly, the way I'm feeling about myself, the last thing I want to do is try to look half decent and be at a huge party. I feel so self conscious, I want to crawl under a rock.

Even my "down time" is not relaxing because it's go-go-go in preparation and I've got all my obligations on my mind. Last weekend sounds so nice on paper.....we went to a park & had a picnic. We went to a brunch at my BFF's house. All I can see is Friday grocery shop and cook in prep for picnic. Get up early, get me & DD ready, go to T, finish making the food, pack the car, drive to picnic which is lovely. Clean up, drive home (over an hour), get home late, DD to bed, cook for brunch next day. Try to clean up, no avail. Drive to friends house, brunch is lovely but DD is clingy, I can't relax, eye on the clock.....get home around 6 and need to cook for the week, lay out clothes, try to put some semblance of order to our lives for the following days. This week/weekend will be more of the same.....Monday was errands, last night choir, tonight dinner with Mom, tomorrow DD's bday, friday DD's Dr Appt. Sat wedding & stay overnight, driving back straight to a playdate at the park at noon & from there to a wedding after party at 4. Monday DD's Bday pictures & then hopefully will have a chance to grocery shop cook, clean & laundry for the week. And then back to work......

I feel like I am failing at everything I do right now.....can't do my job, can't raise my kid, can't keep my house in order, can't take care of myself. Everything is being half done because I'm only dealing with the worst part of each crisis. I can't relax. I stay up late every night attempting to get the bare minimum done. I'm exhausted. I can't wake up in the morning and then I'm late for work. Every morning is a fight with DD trying to get her ready. I feel like I've been through a war by the time I get to work every morning. I can't do anything effectively. I don't see anything that I can put on the back burner for now. I have the worst time asking for help but I don't even see what I could really even get help with right now. I feel buried, inundated, squelched, world-closing-in, suffocated.

Suffocating

Right now, I just need to let this picture speak for me.........

I am suffocating.

I do not know what to do to help myself right now. I can't even think about it with any sense of clarity to try to sort out how to get things back in order. I feel extremely out of control.

Sometimes the Dragon Wins

It's been an interesting week for me. I've made a vow to be online less, much less, at work. I have alot going on in my professional life and I need to stay focused on that. At the same time, I've made a few small, yet huge, strides in my personal life. I inquired with the local Parents Without Partners (PWP) group about joining. They have several social events every week, some for the parents only and some for the parents and kids together. I'm planning to attend an upcoming open house to see what it's all about. It's a step out of the isolation I feel so comfortable with.

Another thing I did was to call a Chinese medicine center to set up an evaluation with a highly recommended acupuncturist. We've played phone tag and I haven't been able to actually set up an appt yet but I will. I want to see what it can do for me, for my stress level and for all the physical issues that my anxiety causes.

This morning I had a dream. It was almost as if I was in a virtual video game or something. Like I was fighting creatures yet I wasn't afraid. I knew I would not be hurt no matter what. I was going through a maze of corridors and all kinds of animals and creatures were jumping out at me. Things like bears, snakes, apes. But I'd just shove them to the side because I knew my task was to get to the Dragon. When I found the Dragon, he jumped out at me and I put my hands on his snout, in between these big spikes and I shoved him away. Dragons, or dinosaurs, can often represent old issues in dreams. I wasn't quite sure what to make of this dream. On the one hand, I thought it could be good because I was facing the Dragon without fear. On the other hand, when I got to the Dragon, I shoved him aside. So did this mean that I wasn't afraid to face my issues or that all I do is push past them?

I posed this question to T this morning when we met and she smiled. She got up and walked to the corner of her office and pulled a small framed picture off her bookshelf. She handed it to me and said "It's funny that your dream was about a dragon since this has been sitting there for as long as you've been coming here." It was a drawing of a dragon, similar to the one in this post and the words "Sometimes the Dragon Wins". Which doesn't mean that I "lose", so to speak, but rather that I recognize it's okay to stop fighting. Stop wrestling with the dragon (the past) and just let it be. It is what it is and slaying the "dragon" doesn't mean it never existed. There comes a time when you have to weigh the energy and resources used in fighting the fight against the process of just making peace with it.

I find this a very timely dream after my last post about loving myself and no longer questioning why my abusers did what they did. I've changed my focus. I'm not fighting the dragon anymore. I'm learning to let it be and to love myself enough to give up a futile fight. My energy is better spent focusing inward on myself than outward on that which is already done.

Loving Myself?

This photo has been on the side of my Blog for some time now. It was what was on my heart at the time. I searched and searched all kinds of image and photo sources looking for just the right image to capture the way I felt. I couldn't find it. So, I made this one myself. That's my DD and she so patiently let me write on her back with eyeliner and put her in various locations and positions. Only I know that she was giggling the whole time....LOL. I guess eyeliner on your back tickles.......who knew??

The question of "Why Don't You Love Me?" was directed at my family, namely my father. In my last therapy session, T and I discussed my critical inner voice. Following that session, and the afterthoughts that inevitably follow, I suddenly saw this image in an entirely different light. I saw it as my Inner Child speaking to Adult-Me. Why don't you love me? Why do you judge me and scorn me? Why are you ashamed of the pain that I rightfully feel? Why do you ignore me and keep locked so deeply in the dark?

I've been trying to notice the self criticism. Just notice....not attach, not judge, not condemn. Just notice. And realize how harsh I am on myself. How quick I am to believe the horrible statements. No matter who I learned it from or what influence it stemmed from, it's only me who does it to myself now. I do it to myself but then I use it as my Xena armor.

When I was in T last time and we were discussing it, I cringed as I asked "Is this like that old 'you have to love yourself before anyone else can love you' crap?" As we both rolled our eyes and T said "I'm not sure I would go THAT far......" But really, it is that premise. My negative self-image oozes from me and I use it to keep other people away.

So, as of today, I'm removing the image of my DD because I feel it important to move away from that train of thought. You know, it doesn't matter why my father/parents/brother/family did what they did, felt what they felt, acted how they acted. It doesn't matter. It's pointless to question because it keeps me stuck in the role of victim. In order to move forward, I am replacing the image with this, a reminder to myself:

One Year of Blogging

Today is my Blog's one year anniversary! I'll probably come back later or over the weekend to wax nostalgic about what the past year has brought. For right now, I'm crazy at work and this is all I can eke out!

I do want to take a moment to thank my friends and fellow bloggers for your feedback and support, as well as your courage in sharing your own stories and inspiring me to challenge myself. This has been a wonderful experience that I look forward to continuing.