Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Suffocating, Part 2 (ie: really long vent)

In no particular order:
Work is insanely busy and I'm attempting to do way more work than I'm capable of doing. While I've been honest about being behind and being overwhelmed, I don't have any real outlet to seek assistance. I've taken on a huge project which will require my time and focus over the next 3 months. In the long run, it will benefit everyone including me. But I'm not sure how I'm going to muddle through in the meantime. I've all but given up being online (socially) & even blogging during the day which were my stress-relief outlets.

It seems like I am only putting out fires while I'm here with no real opportunity to get caught up. So many things are so far behind that I'm working in reaction to the complaints or second requests instead of being proactive and on top of things as I like to be. It seriously compromises my intent to be "superwoman" and be able to do it all, and do it perfectly, all the time. And to top it off, I'm having some sort of internet issue that locks up all my sites and requires a restart about 6 times a day. Maddening.

My home is beyond disaster and verging on sty. The kitchen has not a square inch of empty counter. It's piled with dishes (some clean, some dirty), birthday cake projects (attempting to make some shaped cakes for DD's Bday), and all the things that accompany that....mixer, frosting, sprinkles, recipe books, etc etc etc. Let's not even talk about the kitchen floor that is in such desperate need of sweeping and mopping, it's disgraceful.

I've not done laundry, except for the quick emergency "Crap, I have nothing to wear in the morning, let me throw in a skirt and a pair of underwear" load, in 2 weeks. Thank God DD has more clothing than she can possibly even wear before the season is over.

My shower is starting to turn funny colors in the corners because I haven't had time to scrub it (since the 2am pre-court hearing anxiety scrub). I've been reduced to putting a scrub cloth under my foot and running it around the tub while I'm washing my hair. The shower curtain liner is beginning to polka dot at the bottom and since I don't have time to soak it in bleach, I just bought a new one. The new one is, of course, sitting on the counter still in it's package.....

Every night we come home and I dump everything on the dining room table because there is nowhere else to put it and no time to sort it. My mother is coming over for dinner tonight and I'm thinking we'll need to have a picnic on the living room floor. Which, of course, has not been vacuumed.

My contractor never finished my projects and I'm living with 2 holes in the wall, un-grouted tile walkway in the front hall, no carpet edge protectors so they are starting to fray, no floor molding in the kitchen, no doors on the basement closets and various other small projects that are starting to grate on my every last nerve.

Speaking of the basement.....just oh.....dear.....God.

Bills unpaid, not because I have no money but I never seem to find the time to sit & do it. The times I've attempted to pay things online it's been such a hassle that my blood pressure shoots through the roof. "Enter your PIN".....oh, the PIN you sent me when I opened the account in 1992?? Yeah, don't have that handy. No PIN? That's okay, request a new one. We'll mail it to you in 10 business days (while your bill becomes late and we charge you for that). Don't want to wait? That's okay....just put in the 3 digit code on the back of your card. Oh....that would be the card I threw in the garbage because I didn't want to use it to charge anything! That's can request a new card. You'll get it in 10-14 business days. Finally, I got the new card and brought it to work so I could pay the bill on my lunch hour and what does it say when I open it? "Must be called from HOME phone to activate card" Argh!

I fear that I'm screwing up DD left and right. I feel like the worst parent sometimes with no ability to give DD the life tools I want her to have.

I need to expand my social circle and have no idea where I will fit that into my life. And, God help me, there are days I really miss having a boyfriend. Last night was certainly one of them.

I have gained so much weight and I hate myself for it. I can't even look in the mirror anymore. I'm so disgusted. Which doesn't stop me from eating 2 pieces of DD's cake and hating myself for that, too. I am ashamed to be out in public.

I'm going to a wedding this weekend that DD is not invited to. For the first time, I really wanted someone else to watch DD for me. I really didn't want to depend on my mom. She was working, anyway. I asked 9 teachers at DD's daycare and none of them could do it. My mother ended up changing her work schedule so she could be available. I'm appreciative but I just wanted to do it without her involvement for a change. And frankly, the way I'm feeling about myself, the last thing I want to do is try to look half decent and be at a huge party. I feel so self conscious, I want to crawl under a rock.

Even my "down time" is not relaxing because it's go-go-go in preparation and I've got all my obligations on my mind. Last weekend sounds so nice on paper.....we went to a park & had a picnic. We went to a brunch at my BFF's house. All I can see is Friday grocery shop and cook in prep for picnic. Get up early, get me & DD ready, go to T, finish making the food, pack the car, drive to picnic which is lovely. Clean up, drive home (over an hour), get home late, DD to bed, cook for brunch next day. Try to clean up, no avail. Drive to friends house, brunch is lovely but DD is clingy, I can't relax, eye on the clock.....get home around 6 and need to cook for the week, lay out clothes, try to put some semblance of order to our lives for the following days. This week/weekend will be more of the same.....Monday was errands, last night choir, tonight dinner with Mom, tomorrow DD's bday, friday DD's Dr Appt. Sat wedding & stay overnight, driving back straight to a playdate at the park at noon & from there to a wedding after party at 4. Monday DD's Bday pictures & then hopefully will have a chance to grocery shop cook, clean & laundry for the week. And then back to work......

I feel like I am failing at everything I do right now.....can't do my job, can't raise my kid, can't keep my house in order, can't take care of myself. Everything is being half done because I'm only dealing with the worst part of each crisis. I can't relax. I stay up late every night attempting to get the bare minimum done. I'm exhausted. I can't wake up in the morning and then I'm late for work. Every morning is a fight with DD trying to get her ready. I feel like I've been through a war by the time I get to work every morning. I can't do anything effectively. I don't see anything that I can put on the back burner for now. I have the worst time asking for help but I don't even see what I could really even get help with right now. I feel buried, inundated, squelched, world-closing-in, suffocated.


Enola said...

Hang in there. Just do the necessities. Cleaning house is not a necessity. Home cooked meals are not necessities. Your daughter will love McDonalds and Chik-fil-a for a few days.

Oh and I learned something from a Little Bill cartoon (by the way, TV is a great distraction for kids when you need a moment). If I set a timer and challenge my daughter to get dressed before it runs out, it's amazing how well she can do. We have races every morning and when she "wins" she gets treats.

Now this may not work next week, but by then maybe my life will have calmed down - and yours too!

Strong and determined said...

I think the biggest reason I know you are not failing as a parent is how concerned you are for your daughter. You worry about giving her the right skills for her future. You try to do all you can to be emotionally available to her. You are working through your own issues, so that they don't affect her life adversely. How many people do that? Not many.

Too many people want to pull a big blanket of denial over all of their past issues and refuse to see how those issues affect their lives and the lives of their children. You ARE NOT one of those people.

You do have a lot going on right now. Cut yourself a little slack. And I agree with Enola - let your daughter watch Little Bill and eat McDonald's once in awhile. My four-year-old daughter loves Little Bill. :)

Hugs to you ((P))