Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Loving Myself?

This photo has been on the side of my Blog for some time now. It was what was on my heart at the time. I searched and searched all kinds of image and photo sources looking for just the right image to capture the way I felt. I couldn't find it. So, I made this one myself. That's my DD and she so patiently let me write on her back with eyeliner and put her in various locations and positions. Only I know that she was giggling the whole time....LOL. I guess eyeliner on your back tickles.......who knew??

The question of "Why Don't You Love Me?" was directed at my family, namely my father. In my last therapy session, T and I discussed my critical inner voice. Following that session, and the afterthoughts that inevitably follow, I suddenly saw this image in an entirely different light. I saw it as my Inner Child speaking to Adult-Me. Why don't you love me? Why do you judge me and scorn me? Why are you ashamed of the pain that I rightfully feel? Why do you ignore me and keep locked so deeply in the dark?

I've been trying to notice the self criticism. Just notice....not attach, not judge, not condemn. Just notice. And realize how harsh I am on myself. How quick I am to believe the horrible statements. No matter who I learned it from or what influence it stemmed from, it's only me who does it to myself now. I do it to myself but then I use it as my Xena armor.

When I was in T last time and we were discussing it, I cringed as I asked "Is this like that old 'you have to love yourself before anyone else can love you' crap?" As we both rolled our eyes and T said "I'm not sure I would go THAT far......" But really, it is that premise. My negative self-image oozes from me and I use it to keep other people away.

So, as of today, I'm removing the image of my DD because I feel it important to move away from that train of thought. You know, it doesn't matter why my father/parents/brother/family did what they did, felt what they felt, acted how they acted. It doesn't matter. It's pointless to question because it keeps me stuck in the role of victim. In order to move forward, I am replacing the image with this, a reminder to myself:


Maia said...

Thank you for the reminder - I like the switch!

Angel said...

Awesome post! WTG!

Lynn said...

I love myself. There are many things that I genuinely appreciate about myself, too. I still feel very sad and unloved. I was not loved and losing the self criticism did not help that. There are some things that can't be filled from the inside.

Mary said...

Great post, first time here, and I'll be back..I find it so hard to love myself, most of the time I hate myself, so I have to work on that. take care..Mary

Strong and determined said...

Love the new picture. :) Nice post too..