Okay, I just about vomited my lunch right back out. I'm sitting here eating my salad and reading over the dreams. I'm paraphrasing some of my posts from this week into a word doc so I can share them with my T.
I cannot F**ing believe this didn't hit me until right now.
The snake dream: Someone told me about this snake and I want to say I think it might have been my brother. In any case, the snake had an addiction to heroin and it would come around looking to be rubbed down with heroin which it then apparently soaked in through it's skin. Whoever it was who told me about the snake (ie: my brother) told me that he was an understanding snake and it was safe to interact with him. If I didn't have heroin, I could just rub the snake and it would appease him enough and he'd leave. So I wasn't worried when the snake came to me looking to feed it's addiction. I didn't have heroin so I just rubbed the snake, rubbed him down with water and talked to him. He was happy with that and he left. This happened several times until he came to me in a seemingly "strung out" kind of state, swollen, angry, demanding. I was about to try my usual method of placating him when he began to hiss and threaten me. The water rub down was not going to cut it. I had to go get him some heroin that minute. So I had to go to the street and find a way to purchase the drugs. I returned with it and rubbed him down. He appeared to go into a trance like state of being high and I also did. I don't know if it's pertinent but it seemed this all took place in a very stark white bathroom and there was water on the floor that he swam &/or slithered in.
FFS.....SNAKES ARE CLASSIC PHALLIC SYMBOLS. Even this from the dream dictionary: The snake may also be seen as phallic and thus symbolize dangerous and forbidden sexuality. How the hell did I miss this until today??? He told me it was SAFE to interact with him. He told me to appease him. Until it wasn't enough and he began to threaten me because the old ways were not going to cut it anymore. Jesus.......this is all about my abuse and possibly (b/c of the drug aspect) how it ties into my addictions. I feel like I just got whacked upside the head by a wrecking ball. Oh....My.....God.
Thursday, November 29, 2007
A funny thing happened while waiting at the airport...
So after my very productive night, I went to bed and I layed there and relaxed and said to myself...or more precisely, I said to my subconscious and my brain "I welcome new dreams tonight and I'd like to dream about the situation with my mother" I had heard from some dream expert on the radio that you really can "program" yourself to dream and be receptive to dreams. So I gave it a try. Whoa.
First I have to say....last night, I didn't engage in my addiction. I didn't engage in any dissociative behavior. I didn't watch TV. I didn't sign onto Yahoo and chat. I didn't even call a guy who gave me his # yesterday! I did what I had to do. This morning, instead of oversleeping like I have gotten into the habit of doing lately....I actually woke up before the alarm went off. And I felt good. Tired, still...but good. I took a shower and then as I was drying off.....BAM BAM BAM BAM.....I got punched in the gut by recollection after recollection of all the dreams. I ran to my bedroom, towels falling off me, trying not to forget any meaningful detail. The more I wrote, the more that came to me. I don't know how all of these segued into one another or if it was a series of different dreams. And in fact there are 3 "flashes" (little snippets of dreams) at the end that I'm not even sure if I dreamed last night or if they were just coming back to me from a previous night. The first two of which I've had before. Weird.
Okay....Dream #1: If you've seen the movie "Joy Luck Club" you will understand the reference to the title of "Big Mother". Basically there was a man married to a woman, his "first wife" and then he marries lesser wives, concubines. If the lesser wives give birth to a child, the first wife, Big Mother, claims them as her own. So...in this dream, there was a very formal, proper, statuesque older black woman who was a Big Mother figure to me. She had an obvious air of self-importance and superiority. It was clear that she had high expectations of me and also of my DD. She expected to be honored, catered to, revered. We went to a church together. It was a black Baptist church. I was following behind her as a subservient and DD with me. She was kindof "presenting" me to the men in the church because apparently my status as a single mother was shameful to her. My DD was watching a movie on her portable DVD player and it was some well known "black cult" movie. The pews of the congregation were already full and we were sitting off to the side. There was a large couch, on which two elderly white people were sitting. There was plenty of room on the couch for DD and me. There was also a narrow, high back chair that was clearly only for one person. I was preparing to sit on the couch with DD and leave the chair for Big Mother. DD had an orange soda and she put it down on Big Mother's chair while we were trying to get situation on the couch. Big Mother came over and purposely knocked the soda over onto the ground and spilled it. She told me to clean it up. I layed down on the floor to clean it but it turned out to be M&Ms akk under the couch. I was scooping them up, stretching to reach under the couch. When I got up, the orange soda was all soaked into my shirt from laying on it.
Dream #2: Was about my XDH. I was chasing him? Or maybe just following him. Basically, I knew he was doing something wrong and I wanted to catch him at it. We was with another man who was young and I knew this was a boyfriend or lover....some sort of romantic interest. They went to Dairy Queen for ice cream. In the dream, DQ had 2 different stores. At the first you got your ice cream and then you had to go down the road to the second stop which was a drive through Toppings palace with every topping you can imagine all over the walls and you just scoop everything you want into the giant styrofoam bucket of ice cream. So I was driving and looking for the toppings store. It was a multi lane road. I thought maybe I should turn around and go back to the highway and so I did but then I realized it was a 1 way road and so I had to continue in the same direction. (**ding ding** No turning back....I'm on this road and I can't do anything but forge ahead!) I got to the toppings palace and filled up my bucket. XDH and the boy were sitting on stools at a counter outside. I walked by them in a flaunting manner just to make sure they saw me there so he knew he'd been caught . But I never said anything to him. I had to walk back to the other side of the palace to return to my truck (the car that XDH and I used to own together) There were groups of guys in the parking lot....like the "popular boys" at high school. Pretty boys, arrogant boys. They were laughing and conspiring as I walked by. One of them tripped me and my ice cream went flying. I think DD was watching all of this but I'm sure. He tried to pin me down. I was flat on my back and he was over me, his feet holding my legs down and his hands holding my arms down. He dared me to go ahead and try to fight him and to see how much it would hurt my back to try to keep him from pinning me. He was laughing, so f**ing arrogant like there was nothing I could do about it, knowing he had the best of me. I got one hand free and began pinching his nipples really really hard with the tips of my fingernails, digging them in and twisting until he was screaming in agony. (oh, ding, ding again....that there is my rage I think!)
Dream #3: I was at my friend A's house. It seemed to be Thanksgiving or some sort of holiday. There was alot of family at her house. She invited me to follow her upstairs for something. As we were walking up the stairs, I was behind her. She was wearing a really short dress and letting her rear hang mostly out of her underwear. She was really waving her butt in my face and then her underwear fell off and she was coy about it, making that exaggerated face, like wide eyes, mouth in an "O" and putting her fingertips over her mouth...like a Betty Boop, or something. So we got up the stairs into a bedroom with two twin beds. Her daughter L followed us up there. L is 4 1/2 but she was wearing heavy makeup. Some other teen-ish girl came up. I think she was a niece or cousin. I was headed for the bathroom and she kindof jumped up onto the bed and ran across it to cut me off and get into the shower before I could get in there. There was water all over the floor and I slid and fell then just layed on the floor, sadly sighing "That's two." I took it to mean two falls on the floor, but don't know.
Okay, those are the dreams I remember most of. Here are 3 flashes of memories I got as the morning wore on. #1 and #2 are repeats of dreams I've had in the past.
Flash #1: I was wandering in a huge parking garage. I felt lost. I don't even think I was looking for my car, I was just wandering. I know it was the parking garage for an upscale hotel directly on the beachfront. I eventually made it into the hotel. I was in a dark cramped corridor and it was like a maze. I couldn't figure out where to go. None of the doors were marked.
Flash #2: Something with my friend J...there was an empty room, almost like the shrine room of a child who died young. I knew that someone had died but I wasn't sure who. I think it was her boyfriend who was off fighting in the war.
Flash #3: Another parking garage dream (going to look up the symbolism to that one! Okay, closest I could find was Parking Lot: To dream that you are in parking lot, suggests that you need to slow down and take some time to relax from your daily activities.) Okay, so this one was like light grey concrete, very smooth, angular, lots of those hanging light fixtures and it was very bright with this gross yellow-ish artificial light. There were ramps and I was having grocery cart races with my mother. At one side of the garage were sliding glass doors to a hospital. There was someone else in the garage, someone chasing me but she never saw him. I think this carried over into my being pursued at my grandmother's old house and my hiding in the dark, in the barn, trying not to be found.
I've made a few connections to things as I was writing. And I did notice 2 repeating themes of garages and also hospitals (from the gorilla dream) so I can't wait to see my T on saturday.
Here is the last piece of news for today......I am not religious at this point in my life and I'm still very unsure of how to pray, how to build a relationship with God but this morning. I did something. I admitted my powerlessness over my addiciton. And I prayed to God to help me, help me to make better choices, help me by proving distraction, by replacing addictive behaviors with empowered and healthy beahaviors.
First I have to say....last night, I didn't engage in my addiction. I didn't engage in any dissociative behavior. I didn't watch TV. I didn't sign onto Yahoo and chat. I didn't even call a guy who gave me his # yesterday! I did what I had to do. This morning, instead of oversleeping like I have gotten into the habit of doing lately....I actually woke up before the alarm went off. And I felt good. Tired, still...but good. I took a shower and then as I was drying off.....BAM BAM BAM BAM.....I got punched in the gut by recollection after recollection of all the dreams. I ran to my bedroom, towels falling off me, trying not to forget any meaningful detail. The more I wrote, the more that came to me. I don't know how all of these segued into one another or if it was a series of different dreams. And in fact there are 3 "flashes" (little snippets of dreams) at the end that I'm not even sure if I dreamed last night or if they were just coming back to me from a previous night. The first two of which I've had before. Weird.
Okay....Dream #1: If you've seen the movie "Joy Luck Club" you will understand the reference to the title of "Big Mother". Basically there was a man married to a woman, his "first wife" and then he marries lesser wives, concubines. If the lesser wives give birth to a child, the first wife, Big Mother, claims them as her own. So...in this dream, there was a very formal, proper, statuesque older black woman who was a Big Mother figure to me. She had an obvious air of self-importance and superiority. It was clear that she had high expectations of me and also of my DD. She expected to be honored, catered to, revered. We went to a church together. It was a black Baptist church. I was following behind her as a subservient and DD with me. She was kindof "presenting" me to the men in the church because apparently my status as a single mother was shameful to her. My DD was watching a movie on her portable DVD player and it was some well known "black cult" movie. The pews of the congregation were already full and we were sitting off to the side. There was a large couch, on which two elderly white people were sitting. There was plenty of room on the couch for DD and me. There was also a narrow, high back chair that was clearly only for one person. I was preparing to sit on the couch with DD and leave the chair for Big Mother. DD had an orange soda and she put it down on Big Mother's chair while we were trying to get situation on the couch. Big Mother came over and purposely knocked the soda over onto the ground and spilled it. She told me to clean it up. I layed down on the floor to clean it but it turned out to be M&Ms akk under the couch. I was scooping them up, stretching to reach under the couch. When I got up, the orange soda was all soaked into my shirt from laying on it.
Dream #2: Was about my XDH. I was chasing him? Or maybe just following him. Basically, I knew he was doing something wrong and I wanted to catch him at it. We was with another man who was young and I knew this was a boyfriend or lover....some sort of romantic interest. They went to Dairy Queen for ice cream. In the dream, DQ had 2 different stores. At the first you got your ice cream and then you had to go down the road to the second stop which was a drive through Toppings palace with every topping you can imagine all over the walls and you just scoop everything you want into the giant styrofoam bucket of ice cream. So I was driving and looking for the toppings store. It was a multi lane road. I thought maybe I should turn around and go back to the highway and so I did but then I realized it was a 1 way road and so I had to continue in the same direction. (**ding ding** No turning back....I'm on this road and I can't do anything but forge ahead!) I got to the toppings palace and filled up my bucket. XDH and the boy were sitting on stools at a counter outside. I walked by them in a flaunting manner just to make sure they saw me there so he knew he'd been caught . But I never said anything to him. I had to walk back to the other side of the palace to return to my truck (the car that XDH and I used to own together) There were groups of guys in the parking lot....like the "popular boys" at high school. Pretty boys, arrogant boys. They were laughing and conspiring as I walked by. One of them tripped me and my ice cream went flying. I think DD was watching all of this but I'm sure. He tried to pin me down. I was flat on my back and he was over me, his feet holding my legs down and his hands holding my arms down. He dared me to go ahead and try to fight him and to see how much it would hurt my back to try to keep him from pinning me. He was laughing, so f**ing arrogant like there was nothing I could do about it, knowing he had the best of me. I got one hand free and began pinching his nipples really really hard with the tips of my fingernails, digging them in and twisting until he was screaming in agony. (oh, ding, ding again....that there is my rage I think!)
Dream #3: I was at my friend A's house. It seemed to be Thanksgiving or some sort of holiday. There was alot of family at her house. She invited me to follow her upstairs for something. As we were walking up the stairs, I was behind her. She was wearing a really short dress and letting her rear hang mostly out of her underwear. She was really waving her butt in my face and then her underwear fell off and she was coy about it, making that exaggerated face, like wide eyes, mouth in an "O" and putting her fingertips over her mouth...like a Betty Boop, or something. So we got up the stairs into a bedroom with two twin beds. Her daughter L followed us up there. L is 4 1/2 but she was wearing heavy makeup. Some other teen-ish girl came up. I think she was a niece or cousin. I was headed for the bathroom and she kindof jumped up onto the bed and ran across it to cut me off and get into the shower before I could get in there. There was water all over the floor and I slid and fell then just layed on the floor, sadly sighing "That's two." I took it to mean two falls on the floor, but don't know.
Okay, those are the dreams I remember most of. Here are 3 flashes of memories I got as the morning wore on. #1 and #2 are repeats of dreams I've had in the past.
Flash #1: I was wandering in a huge parking garage. I felt lost. I don't even think I was looking for my car, I was just wandering. I know it was the parking garage for an upscale hotel directly on the beachfront. I eventually made it into the hotel. I was in a dark cramped corridor and it was like a maze. I couldn't figure out where to go. None of the doors were marked.
Flash #2: Something with my friend J...there was an empty room, almost like the shrine room of a child who died young. I knew that someone had died but I wasn't sure who. I think it was her boyfriend who was off fighting in the war.
Flash #3: Another parking garage dream (going to look up the symbolism to that one! Okay, closest I could find was Parking Lot: To dream that you are in parking lot, suggests that you need to slow down and take some time to relax from your daily activities.) Okay, so this one was like light grey concrete, very smooth, angular, lots of those hanging light fixtures and it was very bright with this gross yellow-ish artificial light. There were ramps and I was having grocery cart races with my mother. At one side of the garage were sliding glass doors to a hospital. There was someone else in the garage, someone chasing me but she never saw him. I think this carried over into my being pursued at my grandmother's old house and my hiding in the dark, in the barn, trying not to be found.
I've made a few connections to things as I was writing. And I did notice 2 repeating themes of garages and also hospitals (from the gorilla dream) so I can't wait to see my T on saturday.
Here is the last piece of news for today......I am not religious at this point in my life and I'm still very unsure of how to pray, how to build a relationship with God but this morning. I did something. I admitted my powerlessness over my addiciton. And I prayed to God to help me, help me to make better choices, help me by proving distraction, by replacing addictive behaviors with empowered and healthy beahaviors.
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
Parents
Parents are on my mind today. It started this afternoon. I have a close friend who has gone through a bad breakup with a man she just found out really lied to her and used her the entire 4 1/2 years of their relationship. She sent me an email this afternoon that said:
I just told my dad a lot of the story. It felt good to tell him. He cried with me. He said he is just so happy that all of these things were shown to me before I invested anymore time of my life into someone like that. He held my hand, crying, and said to me - Don't you ever think you did anything to deserve this, or that any way that this has anything to do with you or what kind of person you are. You were taken advantage of, andobviously preys on women or people who are at points in their lives where they are very unsure of themselves or when their self esteem has been damaged. That is where you were when you met him so you were an easy target. But I really see in you that you are trying to head in a better direction.
I really am so happy for her that she has this outlet but I sit there scratching my head saying......huh?? Tell your parent your deepest hurts? Your insecurities, fears, sadness, shame, doubt.....SHARE that? And he not only is not the CAUSE of it but he helps you? Believes you, cries with you, holds your hands, reassures you? He knows you, gets you, wants to help you. He just loves you like a parent is supposed to freaking love you. Well.....how about that?? Isn't this what a parent is supposed to be? And it's so far out of my realm of comprehension that I can't even fathom it in any meaningfully realistic way. I know that I WANT it....but I don't even know what I would do with it if I had it.
Parent issue #2: My mother was over tonight. It's a regular Weds thing. Everything she does pisses me off. I hate that she stands at my doorstep waiting for me to come home and then doesn't realize she's blocking me. I hate the way she thinks she needs to hold the door for me or instruct my daughter where to stand as I open the door. You know......my DD and I do this every night without anyone's help. I hate that she's always under my feet when we're here. I hate the way she deals with my daughter. I mean...I love the way they play together. But in terms of discipline....she always puts it on me. She can't ever take responsibility for being the heavy hand. Whenever she "scolds" (if you can even call it that) it's "Mommy said you can't do that" or "that will upset Mommy" I want to say "Have a fucking backbone woman. Why does it always have to divert to me? I'm perfectly comfortable being the "bad guy" because for crying out loud.....IT'S PART OF BEING A PARENT. It comes with the territory. Tonight my DD said she wanted something and she did not ask me nicely at all so I was stern with her. It makes my mother so ever loving uncomfortable just to watch ME discipline my daughter that SHE feels the need to intervene and try to distract my daughter. "Oh look at this little toy....la dee da dee da......" Does she think she is helping me?? Does she think she's doing anything positive for my child by diverting her away from a reprimand for poor behavior?? Ummm....I don't think she's thinking that far. I think she's conditioned to switch gears away from anything remotely unpleasant. And why, why, why can't I speak up to her? WHY do I still protect her from my own criticism and anger? I'm obviously still harboring enormous anger toward her.
"You get in the way of everything. Why didn't you get in the way of the people who hurt me?"
Here's what I did tonight....and I'm going to give myself kudos. My mother left and I went upstairs and put my daughter to bed. At the same, I brushed my teeth and treated them with a flouride rinse. I didn't want to do it. There are so many things here I'm just aching to shove into my mouth.....feed my addiction. But I did it. And instead of watching Pushing Daisies on TiVo, I turned on some quiet Christmas music and sat down with my thoughts about parents. As I wrote about my mother, I realized I was touching on things I'm angry about so I went downstairs and I took my baseball bat and started whacking the basement poles......eyes closed, feet on ground. Whack, whack....random thoughts.....not really focused....whack, whack...thinking about her trying to help me when I don't want her help. Whack, whack, remembering her trying to divert my daughter. I turned around and directed the baseball bat at a larger target....my giant beanbag chair. I began to let myself go, lose control, feet coming off the ground, literally leaping into the air to get the force I wanted behind each smack and as I began to utter sounds, cries and miscellaneous words, that statement above is what I ended up screaming out loud before I dropped the bat and fell onto the chair, sobbing and out of breath. Though the sobbing only lasted a moment, I know I touched a part of me that has been tightly held behind bars for a very long time and you know what.....I'm damn proud. I'm proud that I did it and that I purposely avoided all my distraction tactics tonight and made a choice for me, for my emotional health. Good for me.
I FEEL ROBBED. That is what came to my mind as I wrote the line in the last paragraph about my thoughts about parents. My thoughts about parents are that I feel robbed. I had one so aggressive that he scarred me in one direction and the other so bloody passive that she scarred me in the other direction. And where am I left? Stretched in the middle between the two of them trying to figure out who to be, how to please them, learning their behaviors that are about as polar opposite as can be. How do I incorporate that into one being....my being? Jesus no wonder the attention from my brother was so welcomed. He at least had some idea of the experience of being a child of those two.
They had no business having children. There is another thought. Really, no business at all. They were both so monumentally screwed up from their pasts and they were just kids....god, they were 19 when they got married. 21 when they had my brother and 24 when they had me. I was in a cyclone of turmoil in my mid 20's. You know, I got pregnant when I was 21. It was unplanned. I ended up having a miscarriage and I'm so glad that I did. I cannot imagine the child I would have raised if I'd tried at that point. I thank GOD for sparing that child a life of pain that it would have surely endured to have me as a single mother at that time.
I've been transitioning over to writing mainly on my blog now and I forget what I've posted where. I'll go back & check but I realized not long ago that I was displacing some feelings. I said that I was having an urge to contact my exboyfriend T because I felt unsettled with him since our relationship ended in anger. And I said that I felt like I needed to put a different spin on my closure with him. And it hit me that I don't have closure with him but it's not about him. The unsettled feelings about a significant relationship ended in anger is about my father. How do I resolve this? I feel like I recognize it and I'm ready to let it go. I just don't comprehend what has to be done after desire and readiness are expressed. I feel like I bought the ticket for a trip and now I'm standing at the airport and there's no plane! Can I please at least find the airport bar and enjoy a couple martini's while I wait for the plane to pull in?????
I just told my dad a lot of the story. It felt good to tell him. He cried with me. He said he is just so happy that all of these things were shown to me before I invested anymore time of my life into someone like that. He held my hand, crying, and said to me - Don't you ever think you did anything to deserve this, or that any way that this has anything to do with you or what kind of person you are. You were taken advantage of, and
I really am so happy for her that she has this outlet but I sit there scratching my head saying......huh?? Tell your parent your deepest hurts? Your insecurities, fears, sadness, shame, doubt.....SHARE that? And he not only is not the CAUSE of it but he helps you? Believes you, cries with you, holds your hands, reassures you? He knows you, gets you, wants to help you. He just loves you like a parent is supposed to freaking love you. Well.....how about that?? Isn't this what a parent is supposed to be? And it's so far out of my realm of comprehension that I can't even fathom it in any meaningfully realistic way. I know that I WANT it....but I don't even know what I would do with it if I had it.
Parent issue #2: My mother was over tonight. It's a regular Weds thing. Everything she does pisses me off. I hate that she stands at my doorstep waiting for me to come home and then doesn't realize she's blocking me. I hate the way she thinks she needs to hold the door for me or instruct my daughter where to stand as I open the door. You know......my DD and I do this every night without anyone's help. I hate that she's always under my feet when we're here. I hate the way she deals with my daughter. I mean...I love the way they play together. But in terms of discipline....she always puts it on me. She can't ever take responsibility for being the heavy hand. Whenever she "scolds" (if you can even call it that) it's "Mommy said you can't do that" or "that will upset Mommy" I want to say "Have a fucking backbone woman. Why does it always have to divert to me? I'm perfectly comfortable being the "bad guy" because for crying out loud.....IT'S PART OF BEING A PARENT. It comes with the territory. Tonight my DD said she wanted something and she did not ask me nicely at all so I was stern with her. It makes my mother so ever loving uncomfortable just to watch ME discipline my daughter that SHE feels the need to intervene and try to distract my daughter. "Oh look at this little toy....la dee da dee da......" Does she think she is helping me?? Does she think she's doing anything positive for my child by diverting her away from a reprimand for poor behavior?? Ummm....I don't think she's thinking that far. I think she's conditioned to switch gears away from anything remotely unpleasant. And why, why, why can't I speak up to her? WHY do I still protect her from my own criticism and anger? I'm obviously still harboring enormous anger toward her.
"You get in the way of everything. Why didn't you get in the way of the people who hurt me?"
Here's what I did tonight....and I'm going to give myself kudos. My mother left and I went upstairs and put my daughter to bed. At the same, I brushed my teeth and treated them with a flouride rinse. I didn't want to do it. There are so many things here I'm just aching to shove into my mouth.....feed my addiction. But I did it. And instead of watching Pushing Daisies on TiVo, I turned on some quiet Christmas music and sat down with my thoughts about parents. As I wrote about my mother, I realized I was touching on things I'm angry about so I went downstairs and I took my baseball bat and started whacking the basement poles......eyes closed, feet on ground. Whack, whack....random thoughts.....not really focused....whack, whack...thinking about her trying to help me when I don't want her help. Whack, whack, remembering her trying to divert my daughter. I turned around and directed the baseball bat at a larger target....my giant beanbag chair. I began to let myself go, lose control, feet coming off the ground, literally leaping into the air to get the force I wanted behind each smack and as I began to utter sounds, cries and miscellaneous words, that statement above is what I ended up screaming out loud before I dropped the bat and fell onto the chair, sobbing and out of breath. Though the sobbing only lasted a moment, I know I touched a part of me that has been tightly held behind bars for a very long time and you know what.....I'm damn proud. I'm proud that I did it and that I purposely avoided all my distraction tactics tonight and made a choice for me, for my emotional health. Good for me.
I FEEL ROBBED. That is what came to my mind as I wrote the line in the last paragraph about my thoughts about parents. My thoughts about parents are that I feel robbed. I had one so aggressive that he scarred me in one direction and the other so bloody passive that she scarred me in the other direction. And where am I left? Stretched in the middle between the two of them trying to figure out who to be, how to please them, learning their behaviors that are about as polar opposite as can be. How do I incorporate that into one being....my being? Jesus no wonder the attention from my brother was so welcomed. He at least had some idea of the experience of being a child of those two.
They had no business having children. There is another thought. Really, no business at all. They were both so monumentally screwed up from their pasts and they were just kids....god, they were 19 when they got married. 21 when they had my brother and 24 when they had me. I was in a cyclone of turmoil in my mid 20's. You know, I got pregnant when I was 21. It was unplanned. I ended up having a miscarriage and I'm so glad that I did. I cannot imagine the child I would have raised if I'd tried at that point. I thank GOD for sparing that child a life of pain that it would have surely endured to have me as a single mother at that time.
I've been transitioning over to writing mainly on my blog now and I forget what I've posted where. I'll go back & check but I realized not long ago that I was displacing some feelings. I said that I was having an urge to contact my exboyfriend T because I felt unsettled with him since our relationship ended in anger. And I said that I felt like I needed to put a different spin on my closure with him. And it hit me that I don't have closure with him but it's not about him. The unsettled feelings about a significant relationship ended in anger is about my father. How do I resolve this? I feel like I recognize it and I'm ready to let it go. I just don't comprehend what has to be done after desire and readiness are expressed. I feel like I bought the ticket for a trip and now I'm standing at the airport and there's no plane! Can I please at least find the airport bar and enjoy a couple martini's while I wait for the plane to pull in?????
Sunday, November 25, 2007
Dream Dictionary
So I looked up a few things in a dream dictionary for my past few dreams:
The one with the gorillas in the hospital:
To see a gorilla in your dream, suggests that you may be too "over the top" in your behavior. Perhaps you are compensating for your rigidity and stiffness in your waking life. Alternatively, the gorilla symbolizes your primitive impulses, wild nature and repressed sexual energy.
To see a hospital in your dream, symbolizes your need to heal or improve your physical or mental heath. You need to get back to the flow of everyday life.
The one with the gorillas in the hospital:
To see a gorilla in your dream, suggests that you may be too "over the top" in your behavior. Perhaps you are compensating for your rigidity and stiffness in your waking life. Alternatively, the gorilla symbolizes your primitive impulses, wild nature and repressed sexual energy.
To see a hospital in your dream, symbolizes your need to heal or improve your physical or mental heath. You need to get back to the flow of everyday life.
The one about the heroin addict snake:
To see a snake or be bitten by one in your dream, signifies hidden fears and worries that are threatening you. Your dream may be alerting you to something in your waking life that you are not aware of or that has not yet surfaced. The snake may also be seen as phallic and thus symbolize dangerous and forbidden sexuality. The snake may also refer to a person around you who is callous, ruthless, and can't be trusted. As a positive symbol, snakes represent transformation, knowledge and wisdom. It is indicative of self-renewal and positive changes.
To dream that you are in possession of or taking drugs, signifies your need for a "quick fix". You may be turning to a potentially harmful alternative as an instant escape from your problems. Ask yourself why you need the drugs. What do you hope the drugs will achieve for you?
To dream that you have an addiction or become addicted, represent an obsessive behavior. A situation or a person may be trying to take over your sense of control. The dream also suggests that you have difficulty relating to the world around you.
To dream that you are in the bathroom, relates to your instinctual urges. You may be experiencing some burdens/feelings and need to "relieve yourself". Alternatively, it may symbolize purification and self-renewal. You need to cleanse yourself, both emotionally and psychologically.
The one about B being taken away:
To see a carpenter indicates that you are confronting and overcoming your obstacles. Alternatively, it suggests that you need to change your way of thinking and readjust your attitude//To see construction in your dream, signifies a new surge of energy, ambition and renewed confidence. It may also represent the rebuilding of your own life.
To dream that you are climbing a steep rock, signifies struggles, obstacles, and disappointments.//To dream that you are at the edge of a cliff, indicates that you have arrived to an increased level of understanding, new awareness, and a fresh point of view. You may have reached a critical point in your life and may fear losing control.
To see a bonfire in your dream, suggests that you need to find a new path and set forth toward a different goal. It is time to freely express yourself and let go of the old outdated ways of thinking.
To dream that you get wet from the rain, signifies that you will soon be cleansed from your troubles and problems. Rain also symbolizes fertility and renewal.
To dream about a blizzard, suggests that you are feeling emotionally cold and frigid. You are feeling excluded and left out. It may indicate a lack of love and the absence of warmth within your own family circle.
To dream that you are driving a car, denotes your ambition, your drive and your ability to navigate from one stage of your life to another. Consider how smooth or rough the car ride is. Whether you are driving the car or a passenger, is indicative of of your active role or passive role in your life. Overall, this dream symbol is an indication of your dependence and degree of control you have on your life.
To dream about your birthday, denotes acceptance of yourself. You are celebrating who you are and coming to terms with who you are as a person. (It wasn't MY birthday in the dream, but my daughter's who was definitely signifying my IC)
To see a doughnut in your dream, represents the Self. It suggests that you may be feeling lost and still trying to find yourself and your purpose in life. Alternatively, it refers to growth, development and nurturance. You are not completely whole.
To see your childhood home or a home that you no longer live in, reflects aspects of yourself that were prominent or developed during the time you lived in that home. You may experience some feelings or unfinished expression of emotions that are now being triggered by a waking situation.
Another Dream
I had another one this morning. The beginnings of it are vague. My mother had bought a new house (which in reality, she really has just bought a new place) and she had hired a contractor to do some renovations. This contractor was like a "biker dude" and he hung out with a large group of similar type of people. His girlfriend, whose name was Lisa, "borrowed" my daughter B. As in she wanted to take her out for the day or something, to give me a little time to myself. Except somehow, I ended up with a "substitute" B. She looked like her and acted like her for the most part but I knew it wasn't really her. No one else knew. It took me a little while to realize it wasn't really B and remember that Lisa had taken her. So I started frantically trying to call Lisa and the contractor but I couldn't find anyone. I was driving to the place I knew they all hung out and the drive was over these stark rock cliffs, the road, if you can call it that, right of the very edge over a huge canyon or some sort of steep drop off. I was driving my old car, a huge SUV and just speeding over these rocks without fear of the drop off. I got to where they were and they were having a big bonfire. I couldn't get anyone's attention. I couldn't find Lisa. I couldn't get any answers. I thought about calling the police but I knew they would not believe me that I didn't have my daughter when I had this child who looked just like her. I knew I was the only one who could could possibly get to the bottom of it. I was the only one I could depend on....all up to me. I continued to go about life as usual while secretly trying to find my B. I took substitute B to daycare and no one noticed it wasn't really her. I was picking her up one afternoon and thinking to myself....why am I making myself crazy trying to find MY B when I have a B right here....why can't I just go on with this B? No one else seems to know it's not her. But *I* know and she is my baby and my responsibility and I can't just leave her out there being raised by God-knows-who? And then when I do find her, what will I do with substitue B? I can't just toss her aside....she's a person, too. Anyway, I was talking to her teachers and they were telling me about some project they were planning and they were all singing and happy. They started talking about the huge snowstorm that was forecasted for the following day but yet when I looked outside, it was summer. I took substitute B and I was waiting to sign her out for the day. There was a woman in front of me at the sign out book and I didn't see her face but I noticed she was wearing pants that still had the tag on them with a size 14 showing on the tag. I took substitute B out to the car and it started absolutely pouring buckets. I got her into the car seat. I opened the trunk for something and there was a small pool of water in the trunk. I got into the driver seat and I realized this was a rental car that I'd picked up a while back because I thought there was something wrong with my regular car. But I realized that nothing was wrong with my car and I'd been paying for this rental all this time for no reason. I knew I had to get my own car back but first I needed to look for real B again. So we drove around trying to find her or a clue or Lisa & the contractor. I stopped at a convenience store for something and while checking out, I saw a display case of donuts and I realized it was B's birthday. So I picked up a huge donut with white frosting and multi-colored sprinkles, had them put a candle in it and I bought her a Bday card. I went to some house, that I think might have been the contractors. Whoa....as I just typed that, I was trying to picture the house in my mind and I *think* it might have been the house we lived in in California, which is when my abuse really started. Anyway...that is where the dream ended.
So....I will be very anxious to share this one with my T and get her take but a few things pop out at me. I think I'm searching for my IC (inner child) and the fact that I have this lookalike, little shell of my B that no one realizes is not really her speaks to my holding all of my turmoil in and putting on the happy face so no one knew what was wrong. I think it's funny that I'm not scared of the journey over the cliffs to find real B b/c in reality, I am very hesitant to take the journey to find my IC. Maybe this is telling me not to be afraid. The part where I questioned if I really needed to stress myself out tryingto find real B when I had this little clone already...well, that speaks for itself. And the part where I knew I could not tell the authorities and could only depend on myself to find her....that does also. I don't really understand the significance of the contractor but I imagine there is one..... The rental car thing.....I've been "paying" for something that I took on b/c I was afraid there was something wrong with my real "car"....I think that is signifying figuratively paying so as not to take the chance of finding out something is wrong, ie: fear that something is wrong with ME and so pushing that aside and covering it up with something shiny and new. Oh and the size 14 tag on the pants....I've been selling some of my Mom's clothes on Ebay and that is her size so I'm sure there is some sort of meaning in that as well. My Mom signing me out? I don't know. Man...can't wait for counseling next week!!!
So....I will be very anxious to share this one with my T and get her take but a few things pop out at me. I think I'm searching for my IC (inner child) and the fact that I have this lookalike, little shell of my B that no one realizes is not really her speaks to my holding all of my turmoil in and putting on the happy face so no one knew what was wrong. I think it's funny that I'm not scared of the journey over the cliffs to find real B b/c in reality, I am very hesitant to take the journey to find my IC. Maybe this is telling me not to be afraid. The part where I questioned if I really needed to stress myself out tryingto find real B when I had this little clone already...well, that speaks for itself. And the part where I knew I could not tell the authorities and could only depend on myself to find her....that does also. I don't really understand the significance of the contractor but I imagine there is one..... The rental car thing.....I've been "paying" for something that I took on b/c I was afraid there was something wrong with my real "car"....I think that is signifying figuratively paying so as not to take the chance of finding out something is wrong, ie: fear that something is wrong with ME and so pushing that aside and covering it up with something shiny and new. Oh and the size 14 tag on the pants....I've been selling some of my Mom's clothes on Ebay and that is her size so I'm sure there is some sort of meaning in that as well. My Mom signing me out? I don't know. Man...can't wait for counseling next week!!!
Saturday, November 24, 2007
November is a rough month
It's a very emotional month for me.
11/2: would have been my 3 year anniversary with XBF
11/9: would have been my friend Nancy's birthday
11/25: my brother's birthday
Day before thanksgiving: my friend Nancy died 2 years ago on that day
Thanksgiving....just full of feelings, memories, disappointments: A day that should be shared with family. The dysfunctional family that I don't see. The functional and close family I don't have but do crave. It was the day I met XBF's family for the first time 3 years ago as we planned our life together and then we spent 4 days together housesitting for his friends and we "played house", just knowing this would be how the rest of our lives would be. BS!
I sort of feel like I miss XBF but I don't think it's nearly as much about him as it is about just wishing my life was in a different place and the expectation that he was my future. I know it was all based on fantasy but it was so real at the time. And lets face it....fantasy is so much more appealing than reality! This time last year, he and I were house hunting together. How it all fell apart so quickly, from planning to spend our lives together to being broken up and not speaking anymore in a matter of months....I just have no idea. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad we are broken up because I see how wrong it was now. I see how much I lost myself in him; how many of my own needs were suppressed to accomodate him. I won't have that again. And while I know the relationship was doomed from the start because of HIS issues, I also see where he gave me so many opportunities to express what I was holding in and I didn't do it. I see where he may have lost his respect and love for me because of it. And I'm beating myself up about it a bit. Why? What good does that do? It doesn't. I need to just process it and release it.
Speaking of process and release.....my friend J was over the night before TGiving. She recently broke up with her BF and so it's an emotional holiday season for her as well. She's been journaling in her laptop for several months about the whole relationship, all she's learned through the process. Thanksgiving morning, we were watching the parade, she was journaling and I was baking. And she accidentally deleted a huge chunk of her journal. I feel for her because I've done this before and it's devastating. In the midst of her breakdown, I found myself almost envious of the way she was able to express what she was feeling and thinking. She was openly sobbing, reached out to me for a hug and support, was screaming in anger about how much this process sucks and how learning, growing, being strong etc is too hard to keep up all the time. She called her parents to talk to them about how she felt! Can you imagine? Being able to call your parents and cry about your feelings?? Aaah! Even just being able to express all of those feelings so fully in the moment. It was so foreign to me.
11/2: would have been my 3 year anniversary with XBF
11/9: would have been my friend Nancy's birthday
11/25: my brother's birthday
Day before thanksgiving: my friend Nancy died 2 years ago on that day
Thanksgiving....just full of feelings, memories, disappointments: A day that should be shared with family. The dysfunctional family that I don't see. The functional and close family I don't have but do crave. It was the day I met XBF's family for the first time 3 years ago as we planned our life together and then we spent 4 days together housesitting for his friends and we "played house", just knowing this would be how the rest of our lives would be. BS!
I sort of feel like I miss XBF but I don't think it's nearly as much about him as it is about just wishing my life was in a different place and the expectation that he was my future. I know it was all based on fantasy but it was so real at the time. And lets face it....fantasy is so much more appealing than reality! This time last year, he and I were house hunting together. How it all fell apart so quickly, from planning to spend our lives together to being broken up and not speaking anymore in a matter of months....I just have no idea. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad we are broken up because I see how wrong it was now. I see how much I lost myself in him; how many of my own needs were suppressed to accomodate him. I won't have that again. And while I know the relationship was doomed from the start because of HIS issues, I also see where he gave me so many opportunities to express what I was holding in and I didn't do it. I see where he may have lost his respect and love for me because of it. And I'm beating myself up about it a bit. Why? What good does that do? It doesn't. I need to just process it and release it.
Speaking of process and release.....my friend J was over the night before TGiving. She recently broke up with her BF and so it's an emotional holiday season for her as well. She's been journaling in her laptop for several months about the whole relationship, all she's learned through the process. Thanksgiving morning, we were watching the parade, she was journaling and I was baking. And she accidentally deleted a huge chunk of her journal. I feel for her because I've done this before and it's devastating. In the midst of her breakdown, I found myself almost envious of the way she was able to express what she was feeling and thinking. She was openly sobbing, reached out to me for a hug and support, was screaming in anger about how much this process sucks and how learning, growing, being strong etc is too hard to keep up all the time. She called her parents to talk to them about how she felt! Can you imagine? Being able to call your parents and cry about your feelings?? Aaah! Even just being able to express all of those feelings so fully in the moment. It was so foreign to me.
Dreams
I used to almost never dream. It seems that lately I've been dreaming quite regularly but I almost never remember them. Often after I've been awake for a while, I'll have a glimpse of something and realize that I did have a dream that would be a good one to remember but I never get past that glimpse. I woke up this morning and I do remember something I dreamt about last night. I believe it was 2 different dreams. Each one very telling.
Dream #1: I wish I could remember how it began but it was about a snake. Someone told me about this snake and I want to say I think it might have been my brother but I might be confusing this with the other dream. In any case, the snake had an addiction to heroin and it would come around looking to be rubbed down with heroin which it then apparently soaked in through it's skin. Whoever it was who told me about it told me that he was an understanding snake and it was safe to interact with him. If I didn't have heroin, I could just rub the snake and it would appease him enough and he'd leave. So I wasn't worried when the snake came to me looking to feed it's addiction. I didn't have heroin so I just rubbed the snake, rubbed him down with water and talked to him. He was happy with that and he left. This happened several times until he came to me in a seemingly "strung out" kind of state, swollent, angry, demanding. I was about to try my usual method of placating him when he began to hiss and threaten me. The water rub down was not going to cut it. I had to go get him some heroin that minute. So I had to go to the street and find a way to purchase the drugs. I returned with it and rubbed him down. He appeared to go into a trance like state of being high and I also did. I don't know if it's pertinent but it seemed this all took place in a very stark white bathroom and there was water on the floor that he swam &/or slithered in.
Dream #2: I was in a hospital, working in the hospital. Somehow...the hospital ended up with a "gorilla infestation". I put that in quotes because I said it over and over and over in the dream. There is a gorilla infestation. It seemed to be all baby or at least smallish gorillas. They were everywhere. And they wanted/needed to be held or to just be in the presence of people. So they were surrounding us, all the people in the hospital, staff and patients alike. We were unable to work; we were sitting on beds with groups of gorillas just piled on top of us. Couldn't walk down the hall, go to the bathroom, care for anyone without being surrounded. I kept trying to talk to other doctors and the chief of staff about the problem and no one seemed concerned. I finally said I was going to call the AMA (American Medical Association) for assistance and I was told not to do that, that if we just did what the gorillas wanted, they would eventually go away. I kept trying to get any other doctor on my side to call an authority with me and no one would support me. In fact, they began to treat me like I didn't exist because they were so opposed to getting involved in reporting it. I managed to make it outside without any gorillas and I think I was in Hawaii....in fact, my cousins husband and kids were there (they live in HI but I've never met them...weird) And the hospital seemed to be going through some sort of renovation and the crew from Extreme Makeover: Home Edition was there. They were about to do their big unveiling of the renovations and I pulled him aside and told him about the gorilla infestation. At this point in the dream, I realized that I was still in a panic about the gorillas but I hadn't seen one in a while so I began to wonder if they were still there or if the whole thing even happened at all. I felt stupid for gettin Ty all worked up about it. But at least he supported my decision to call for help. I snuck back into the hospital and got to an empty room which was my brothers room. I tried to look in a phone book to find the number for the AMA. I called an operator for assistance and requested the emergency # for the AMA. She told me I had to text the word "brother" to a certain # for emergency assistance. Then my brother actually walked in on me in his room and that is all I remember.
Sooooo......no rocket science needed to gather the meaning of either dream. They are filled with my brother. By the way, I should probably mention that tomorrow is my brother's birthday and I know my mother is getting together with him today. The first one is about my own addiction. The second about trying to get someone to hear me &/or help me in what happened with my brother. It struck me as I was writing dream #1...the stark white bathroom. I think that is the bathroom at my mothers new house. And the end of the dream, where I became high as well.....aahhhh, sweet dissociation. And dream #2, the hospital. My mother works in a hospital. In fact, this conjured up memories of a dream I had several years ago where I was attacked in a hospital and was trying to get someone to help me but everyone was bustling around like they didn't even see me. So I guess it's about my mother's unwillingness/inability to help me in the abuse.
Dream #1: I wish I could remember how it began but it was about a snake. Someone told me about this snake and I want to say I think it might have been my brother but I might be confusing this with the other dream. In any case, the snake had an addiction to heroin and it would come around looking to be rubbed down with heroin which it then apparently soaked in through it's skin. Whoever it was who told me about it told me that he was an understanding snake and it was safe to interact with him. If I didn't have heroin, I could just rub the snake and it would appease him enough and he'd leave. So I wasn't worried when the snake came to me looking to feed it's addiction. I didn't have heroin so I just rubbed the snake, rubbed him down with water and talked to him. He was happy with that and he left. This happened several times until he came to me in a seemingly "strung out" kind of state, swollent, angry, demanding. I was about to try my usual method of placating him when he began to hiss and threaten me. The water rub down was not going to cut it. I had to go get him some heroin that minute. So I had to go to the street and find a way to purchase the drugs. I returned with it and rubbed him down. He appeared to go into a trance like state of being high and I also did. I don't know if it's pertinent but it seemed this all took place in a very stark white bathroom and there was water on the floor that he swam &/or slithered in.
Dream #2: I was in a hospital, working in the hospital. Somehow...the hospital ended up with a "gorilla infestation". I put that in quotes because I said it over and over and over in the dream. There is a gorilla infestation. It seemed to be all baby or at least smallish gorillas. They were everywhere. And they wanted/needed to be held or to just be in the presence of people. So they were surrounding us, all the people in the hospital, staff and patients alike. We were unable to work; we were sitting on beds with groups of gorillas just piled on top of us. Couldn't walk down the hall, go to the bathroom, care for anyone without being surrounded. I kept trying to talk to other doctors and the chief of staff about the problem and no one seemed concerned. I finally said I was going to call the AMA (American Medical Association) for assistance and I was told not to do that, that if we just did what the gorillas wanted, they would eventually go away. I kept trying to get any other doctor on my side to call an authority with me and no one would support me. In fact, they began to treat me like I didn't exist because they were so opposed to getting involved in reporting it. I managed to make it outside without any gorillas and I think I was in Hawaii....in fact, my cousins husband and kids were there (they live in HI but I've never met them...weird) And the hospital seemed to be going through some sort of renovation and the crew from Extreme Makeover: Home Edition was there. They were about to do their big unveiling of the renovations and I pulled him aside and told him about the gorilla infestation. At this point in the dream, I realized that I was still in a panic about the gorillas but I hadn't seen one in a while so I began to wonder if they were still there or if the whole thing even happened at all. I felt stupid for gettin Ty all worked up about it. But at least he supported my decision to call for help. I snuck back into the hospital and got to an empty room which was my brothers room. I tried to look in a phone book to find the number for the AMA. I called an operator for assistance and requested the emergency # for the AMA. She told me I had to text the word "brother" to a certain # for emergency assistance. Then my brother actually walked in on me in his room and that is all I remember.
Sooooo......no rocket science needed to gather the meaning of either dream. They are filled with my brother. By the way, I should probably mention that tomorrow is my brother's birthday and I know my mother is getting together with him today. The first one is about my own addiction. The second about trying to get someone to hear me &/or help me in what happened with my brother. It struck me as I was writing dream #1...the stark white bathroom. I think that is the bathroom at my mothers new house. And the end of the dream, where I became high as well.....aahhhh, sweet dissociation. And dream #2, the hospital. My mother works in a hospital. In fact, this conjured up memories of a dream I had several years ago where I was attacked in a hospital and was trying to get someone to help me but everyone was bustling around like they didn't even see me. So I guess it's about my mother's unwillingness/inability to help me in the abuse.
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