Friday, October 10, 2008

Last Night Sucked

Yesterday was a long and frantic day at work. I picked up DD at the end of the day and came back to the office to finish up a few things. She was not being terribly patient with me and I was aggravated. We went out to grab some dinner and the service was really slow which made me late for choir rehearsal. I was trying not to stress about it but "not stressing" is not really something I'm too accomplished at.

I left choir around 10pm and DD chit-chatted all the way home. Normally something I enjoy but I really wanted her to go to sleep. I was having a tremendous amount of pain in my left shoulder and arm. And I was feeling shaky and nauseous. By the time I got home, I just felt WAY off. I put DD to bed and I went to bed myself. I couldn't shoulder was burning, seering pain. I was having stomach cramps, muscle spasms in my back, shortness of breath. I was worried I was going to die. (Hello, panic attack.....) This morning, I simply could not get myself out of bed. I felt so drained and out-of-sorts. The good news to all of this is that it *finally* lit a fire under my rear to get some bloodwork done. Bloodwork, mind you, that was ordered probably a year ago and I've left the order slip sitting in my car all this time. It's going to make me face some things that I know are wrong. Things I don't want to face. It's going to require some dedication to changing my habits and behaviors. And it's going to make me accountable to someone for all of the above. Aah crap, that sucks.
I was emailing with my BFF today. She's going through alot of personal growth and I'm so very proud of her for all the work she's done. She said the most simple, yet profound, thing to me a little while ago:
Judging myself really hurts. Weird for some reason that hurt is something I have just lived with. I have never questioned it as something I don't have to do.
Isn't that a fabulous statement?? Without a choice, we hurt at the hands of others for so long that we just continue to do it to ourselves never questioning if it's optional or not. If only we could learn to treat ourselves with a fraction of the care and concern we bestow on those we love.


Angel said...

I hope the bloodwork doesn't mean anything too terrible. Taking better care of yourself is good, though. I hope you are able to get some rest this weekend.

Enola said...

I'm glad you are making that appt. Good for you!

Tamara said...

I used to beat myself up (verbally) way more than anyone else ever did. It is amazing how we internalize that critical voice and then magnify it and make it worse. Hope with the realization that you do this, you can begin to catch yourself and stop and be kind to you!

I am glad you are facing the health stuff. It truly is less frightening to just deal with it than to not know and worry.

jumpinginpuddles said...

its ahrd to face what we fear most but full kudos to you for facing it and trying

Angel said...

I hope your being quiet means that you are taking care of yourself and things are going better. ((Hugs))