Thursday, October 30, 2008
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Monday, October 27, 2008
Friday, October 24, 2008
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Presently, I have a moderate migraine. I'm exhausted. Let me back up....Monday night is when DD was up all night coughing. I barely slept. I was bringing her to daycare & waiting for her inhaler to kick in. In the car, she had a coughing fit so hard that she threw up. Fortunately, there was almost nothing in her stomach so it was an easy clean up. After that, I decided I couldn't bring her to school. I left a msg for her Dr for some guidance what to do next. I came to work with her, totally unprepared since I left the house with the intention of bringing her to school. So I had no portable DVD, no toys, no nothing. She was pretty patient, all things considered. I got some urgent things taken care of. I took her to the potty before we left where she proceeded to pee all over her clothes and I discovered she'd pooped in her pants a little bit. Joy. I'm SO F*%#$ing tired of potty issues, I could positively scream. I digress..... So not only am I leaving an hour later than I'd hoped to but now I have to stop home to change her clothes. We do that, go to the ER which is so packed I can't even find a place to park. I had a standing appt with my Alarm company for 2:00. At this point, it's 12:30. So I go home and figure we'll head back after the alarm people come. Tues is my usual night for choir rehearsal. I couldn't cancel last night for 2 reasons: #1 we're singing this weekend so I needed to run through the schedule and #2 I'd told the people who have rehearsal at their house (who feed us dinner every Tues) that I was bringing dinner for them that night. So while at home waiting for alarm-guy, I cooked a huge meal. Alarm-guy came & fixed my problem. I finished dinner, packed up the car & took DD back to the ER which was still quite packed. Once done, I dropped off DD's RX, we went to choir, had dinner, ran through rehearsal, left @9:30, picked up RX and was home by 10:15. Put DD to bed & collapsed myself. This AM was rough....migraine, DD not wanting to get out of bed, fighting me, running 30 minutes late. I get to work where I have 18 voicemails, 49 emails, a meeting waiting for me and people knocking at my office door....."I need this", "Did you get a chance to do that?", "So&so called yesterday and is waiting on such&such" FFS!!!!!! I can't deal. I keep breathing & repeating to myself as T told me to......"I have all the time to accomplish everything I need to do today" I've asked my Mom to meet me here at my office tonight to entertain DD so I can work late. Because tomorrow I'm out of the office all day at a seminar and I lose half of Friday to teaching a class here in the office. I'm so behind it makes my head swirl. (Which is, of course, best dealt with by taking an hour to blog instead of working). Oh yeah...AND! I forgot my Effexor last night and have none with me. I'm already having withdrawal dizziness, weakness, confusion & "brain-buzzing" Should be in great shape by the time I get home tonight. OY! Vent over....moving on.
Had a dream the other night which I had to laugh about when I thought it over. I had brought my car to a garage to have it fixed. When I returned to get it, it was absolutely torn to shreds....stripped, cut apart, torched. A disaster. I went out and got a new car....a brand new shiny red Saab convertible and I was sitting in it, reveling in my new ride and thinking to myself that I would never, ever let anyone else work on this car. Well.....in dream interpretation, a car is a classic symbol of yourself. So basically my dream says I gave the care of myself over to other people and I ended up a wreck. I realize in going out and creating a "new me" that I need to be the sole person responsible for my care. Amen!
So to expand a little on yesterdays post....I was giving it more thought in the car after I left here. I started to delve into the feelings and maybe come up with something new. A while back, I started reading a book about eating disorders. I posted about it here. And I realized that Food is actually a very powerful relationship in my life. Taking that into consideration, it's not surprising that I attach "human" qualities or emotions to food. I think about a "being" (be it animal or plant) that was raised/grown with sole purpose of providing sustenance or nourishment to a person. Add to that the function that food serves in my life, which is to provide comfort, solace, happiness. When I think about throwing that away, I feel like this "being" has just had it's entire "life" made a mockery; that it was brought into the world for a purpose and then ended up in the trash unable to fulfill it's sole responsibility. I find it difficult to be the perpetrator in the "death" of this "being". (Sorry for all the ""s....I'm just trying to be sure this comes across clearly that I know I'm attaching irrational ideas to an inanimate object) It's particularly difficult with meat because I know that really once was a living creature. I have a habit of keeping things in my fridge after I know they are no longer edible because it's just emotionally difficult for me to trash it. I tend to clean the old stuff out of my fridge in one swoop every week or so....I guess I white knuckle my way through it as fast as I can and then take the trash to the dumpster immediately. I feel guilty afterwards. I don't want the evidence around me.
I'm really glad that I watched that show because I don't know that I would have identified this unless I heard the woman on the show make that statement. I guess I have something to talk to my T about when I see her next. And I think I need to return to reading my eating disorder book. This is all about to come to a head and I know I'm feeling the need to deal with it from every angle of my life. I feel like the walls are closing in on me and my time is running out to return to my comfort zone, my coping tool. It makes me very anxious to say the least.
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
What I never considered before is the way I have a similar feeling toward food. For instance, when I was on vacation, I WAY overcooked for the week. The 2 days before we left, I was making myself sick trying to eat it all so it would not go in the garbage. I feel the same way at home. I would rather overeat to the point of pain than to discard the food. I think I feel some sort of responsibility or even gratitude (?) toward food for being a comfort to me for so many years of my life and it becomes painful for me to just cast it aside. It's obviously symbolic of myself feeling discarded, unappreciated, cast aside. I never put the two together until I watched the show last night. Very interesting.
Friday, October 10, 2008
Monday, October 6, 2008
So, T and I talked about simple ways to bring a little of that mindset into everyday life. Even if just conjuring the full image of my vacation morning ritual, from the feel of the chilly air to the smell and taste of my pumpkin coffee and the sounds of nature. She advised me to tell myself each morning at the office "I have all the time to accomplish everything I need to do today" and says I will be pleasantly surprised at the difference it makes. I think I've mentioned that once vacation was over, work is going to get really intense with a huge project I'm spear-heading in addition to my regular work. So I'm going to try to begin each morning with some breathing, imagery and that statement.
I told T that I felt a shift in my feelings about my Mom this past week. I talked to her almost every day while away. We communicated alot through text and picture messages. You know, my Mom is actually pretty funny. And she loves her granddaughter more than life itself. She's a good Grandma. And I have to say she's a good Mom at this point in time. She's as good as she can be. While I was away, I admitted to myself that I love her. I haven't been able to feel or say that in a really long time. I guess it was the "letting down" of being away that let me get in touch with that. Yes, she's got shortcomings and I know she'll never be all that I would hope my Mom could be. But accepting her where she's at and knowing she does all she possibly can for DD and me....well, I appreciate that. And I guess it's part of loving someone....accepting their "flaws" and choosing to love them anyway. By holding out the expectations of her becoming the Mom I fantasize about, I make sure that she always fails me and that I'm always disappointed.
I said to T that it was really scary to let my guard down and open up to the vulnerability. Wise, wise T asked "What if keeping your guard UP actually was the thing holding you in the place of vulnerability?" As I pondered that thought, it began to make perfect sense. By keeping my guard up, I keep alive the belief that I need to be protected. I keep alive the pain of the past. I live with a constant fear and feelings of impending danger. By letting it down, I can actually access my true strength. I can live in the present, tune into reality, set healthy boundaries. Yes, indeed.....the old question about the wall/fence....does it serve to keep other people out, or merely exist to lock myself inside? Time to let the guard down and trust myself to take care of Me in a realistic and present day world. I need not haul that enormous wall of protection around with me everywhere I go anymore.