Monday, October 21, 2013

Who IS he??

As you know from my prior posts, last week, B and A (her father) were supposed to meet. He agreed earlier in the week, firmed it up the night before and then cancelled the morning of. The excuse he gave me was a lie, I know it.

I felt like it would be a while til I heard from him again and to my great surprise, he reached out to me yesterday with a generic "hey, how are you guys?" as if nothing had ever happened the week before. We chatted back & forth for several hours, Sat afternoon and Sunday morning.  I SO want to bring up what happened and put him on the hot seat about it. I realize that is not the way to go and I'm just struggling my way through this mundane chit chat, feeing so supremely uncomfortable.

It came to an emotional crux for me when he told me he wanted me to email pics to him as well as text them. I wanted to say "then email them to your damn self from your phone, idiot!" but instead I brushed it off with a joke. And now I'm reeling a little bit. I feel like he will continue to take from me and never give me what I want. In my life, I have a recurring theme where I am afraid to look like a fool at the end of the day. He did that to me once. I still don't trust him. I don't really have reason to.

I realize this is the ultimate in lopsided relationships but the potential ROI is the prize. My male BFF, J, made the comment that A knows he has a tremendous amount of latitude with me.  That doesn't sit well with me.  Am I giving too much?  What have I given? An olive branch, my emotional energy, provided him a window into her life, accepted less child support...the ONLY thing she gets from him.....and I took less in an effort to receive more (in a different capacity) at the end of the road.'s only been 2 months after 9 years of nothingness. I guess I have to give things time to develop. Patience is not my virtue. I am single minded and in a rush to get this going. She has not had a father one day of her life and now that it seems tangible......I just want it to happen.  NOW.

I am worried about being too nice to him and that he will take advantage of the situation. He is enjoying a decreased support order. He gets to see pics and videos of B. Like I said, a window into her life without any effort on his part. Am I being fair in saying that, no effort on his part? (Moment to ponder.....) Yes, I think so. I don't think there is any part of his struggle that I'm not intellectually aware of. Making contact with B puts the rest of his world and family into a possible compromised position.  I don't pretend to know what he is actually experiencing.

I think it really all boils down to a total lack of trust in him. I fear I will continue to extend myself and he will take it and never live up to his end. And that I will look like a stupid fool in the end. But will I? How am I being foolish? I am giving him a chance to show up in B's life. It's not for him, it's for her and I think the thing I need to remember the most is how I will be able to relay all this to Bianca someday. If he shows up, I made it happen. If he doesn't, I gave him every opportunity.

I don't know how to ride this line with him in the meantime. I've already said I'm not a patient woman, right? It is not in my nature to be "surface".....I want the meat & potatoes!! I want him to tell me his thoughts, I want him to tell me the truth about last week. Give me that much. Let me know, honestly, where you stand. Don't leave me hanging here and guessing. Don't play me for a trusting fool....oh, even though I totally look like one right now. I don't want him thinking he's got the best of me. That his player moves are still effective on me. I want to tell him I don't trust him. I want to call him out but I feel like I cannot because of the precarious situation. Because I want something from him and he knows it. That gives him an advantage. I feel like he is still playing me. Ok so then J's question....what would be the purpose of him testing or playing me? Because as a player, he enjoys controlling women. Is he still that man? I don't's what I know of him and I've not seen overwhelming evidence to the contrary yet.  Who IS he, really????   

So what does this boil down to? I still don't trust him. I am afraid of being played. I don't know the line between kind and doormat. I don't do "surface." I AM VERY UNCOMFORTABLE!!! It's my own anxiety, the fact that I want bigger, faster progress. That I feel like I am making myself vulnerable and he is not being honest with me. So do I ask him to talk to me?  Or is this my own work to just deal with my anxiety and allow it to unfold in whatever manner it does?  I feel so completely unsure at every step of this process and I detest it. 

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