Tuesday, October 1, 2013

2 years later.....

Wow, I actually thought maybe it had been longer than 2 years.  I am so on top of this blogging thing.  You know how you stop for a bit and then it's too overwhelming to think about trying to explain all that has happened in the time since you last wrote?  And then you feel like you really need an outlet to write and you remember how cathartic your blogging was but you feel like too much time has gone by and how can you just pick up at present day and who is following your blog anymore and does anyone out there really care anyway??  No?  Just me?  OK then.

Where I'm at today....and I will do my best to go back later and fill in some back story.  For about a month and a half, I've had an opened dialog with Bianca's father.  It's the first time we've spoken in about a year and a half.  The last time we had talked ended in utter disaster and I told him never to speak to me again.  Fast forward til now and I was able to realize some ugly truths about my own contribution to that debacle.  The communication was opened, this time, by me after some soul searching.  It was the best conversation we probably have ever had about Bianca.  Shortly after our conversation, we had to go to court for a support modification.  It was complete coincidence of timing but it put us face to face for the first time in 7 years.  That meeting felt overall positive.  The tone between us has changed for sure. 

He still has not met Bianca.  I have offered it.  I do believe she would be better off to know him  no matter what he does from there.  I don't believe he would do anything purposely harmful or hurtful.  Which certainly is not to say that she doesn't run the risk of tremendous heartbreak.  After 9 years without a father, the pressure of the situation is enormous.  Can he ever repair that or make up for it?  Will he be who she imagined?  Will he be able to step in and make positive contribution to her life?  Will his limited availability for her leave her hurting more than not knowing him at all?  How will it alter the relationship between me and my baby?  She was singing to me this morning, singing along with a song but making up other words to go along with it about how much she loves our life and just the two of us in our own little family and how she doesn't want anything to break that apart. 

You know how it is....you want everything for your children!! I find that I am just so scared of this whole thing.  Will it end up being a "be careful what you wish for" cautionary tale in the end?  Or will it be something I thank God that I did?  Will it help or hurt?  Will it enrich her life or bring her levels of pain that she doesn't have now?  How do I know if I am doing the right thing?  I don't of course and I guess that is why I feel so paralyzed.  I have a really hard time trusting my instinct here for a wide variety of reasons. Take your pick....#1: He hasn't ever been what I would call trustworthy in our past dealings.  I can accept that this was the past but still...... I still feel slightly wary of him.  #2: My judgment when it comes to him has never been great.  #3: My judgment with men, particularly pertaining to father issues, has never been great.  #4: I can't tell how much my issues with my own father are playing into this.  I have done my best to keep them separate and to identify when I think I am blurring the lines.  But still, I KNOW the two are linked in a way that I simply cannot undo.  #5.  This is my BABY.  If it were just me taking my chances on disappointment....I could be a little more careless, throw caution to the wind and be willing to accept the consequences.  I regret SO DEEPLY that my choices to this point have caused Bianca loss and pain.  I cannot bear the thought of making it worse by taking this step and having it crash and burn. 

We are going to be passing by where he lives in less than 2 weeks.  I am tempted to offer that we get together somewhere so they can meet.  I typed out the text and then I could not send it.  I wasn't sure why.  I guess that is when I got flooded with the deluge of "what-ifs".  Then I felt like maybe I needed to check in with my therapist.  I haven't seen her in quite some time which has really been a financial issue more than anything else.  So I called my therapist and when I heard her phone ring, everything inside my body shriveled up and screamed "NO!! Don't do it!!" so I hung up!!  What the HELL was that??  I thought about it for a while, tossed around some ideas and eventually just imagined myself sitting in her office talking and the full weight of all of this hitting me.  I think that, up til now, I've tried to do this with my head....think it through, be intellectual, thoughtful, cautious.  No mistakes.  Yes, I've had emotional moments but then I tuck them aside and remember to keep my head.  Once I get into a therapy session, I know I will have to do it with my heart.  Feel the emotion, the connection to my own past & inner child, face the weight of my choices and, honestly also, face what I was perceiving to be HER potential judgment and JUST as I write this do I realize that I am terrified to face MY OWN judgment when I allow myself to view this from an emotional perspective.  Dammit, THIS is why I blog and should never stop no matter who my audience is or is not.  I learn things by writing that I just can't hit on anywhere else. 

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