Parents

Parents are on my mind today. It started this afternoon. I have a close friend who has gone through a bad breakup with a man she just found out really lied to her and used her the entire 4 1/2 years of their relationship. She sent me an email this afternoon that said:

I just told my dad a lot of the story. It felt good to tell him. He cried with me. He said he is just so happy that all of these things were shown to me before I invested anymore time of my life into someone like that. He held my hand, crying, and said to me - Don't you ever think you did anything to deserve this, or that any way that this has anything to do with you or what kind of person you are. You were taken advantage of, and obviously preys on women or people who are at points in their lives where they are very unsure of themselves or when their self esteem has been damaged. That is where you were when you met him so you were an easy target. But I really see in you that you are trying to head in a better direction.

I really am so happy for her that she has this outlet but I sit there scratching my head saying......huh?? Tell your parent your deepest hurts? Your insecurities, fears, sadness, shame, doubt.....SHARE that? And he not only is not the CAUSE of it but he helps you? Believes you, cries with you, holds your hands, reassures you? He knows you, gets you, wants to help you. He just loves you like a parent is supposed to freaking love you. Well.....how about that?? Isn't this what a parent is supposed to be? And it's so far out of my realm of comprehension that I can't even fathom it in any meaningfully realistic way. I know that I WANT it....but I don't even know what I would do with it if I had it.

Parent issue #2: My mother was over tonight. It's a regular Weds thing. Everything she does pisses me off. I hate that she stands at my doorstep waiting for me to come home and then doesn't realize she's blocking me. I hate the way she thinks she needs to hold the door for me or instruct my daughter where to stand as I open the door. You know......my DD and I do this every night without anyone's help. I hate that she's always under my feet when we're here. I hate the way she deals with my daughter. I mean...I love the way they play together. But in terms of discipline....she always puts it on me. She can't ever take responsibility for being the heavy hand. Whenever she "scolds" (if you can even call it that) it's "Mommy said you can't do that" or "that will upset Mommy" I want to say "Have a fucking backbone woman. Why does it always have to divert to me? I'm perfectly comfortable being the "bad guy" because for crying out loud.....IT'S PART OF BEING A PARENT. It comes with the territory. Tonight my DD said she wanted something and she did not ask me nicely at all so I was stern with her. It makes my mother so ever loving uncomfortable just to watch ME discipline my daughter that SHE feels the need to intervene and try to distract my daughter. "Oh look at this little toy....la dee da dee da......" Does she think she is helping me?? Does she think she's doing anything positive for my child by diverting her away from a reprimand for poor behavior?? Ummm....I don't think she's thinking that far. I think she's conditioned to switch gears away from anything remotely unpleasant. And why, why, why can't I speak up to her? WHY do I still protect her from my own criticism and anger? I'm obviously still harboring enormous anger toward her.

"You get in the way of everything. Why didn't you get in the way of the people who hurt me?"

Here's what I did tonight....and I'm going to give myself kudos. My mother left and I went upstairs and put my daughter to bed. At the same, I brushed my teeth and treated them with a flouride rinse. I didn't want to do it. There are so many things here I'm just aching to shove into my mouth.....feed my addiction. But I did it. And instead of watching Pushing Daisies on TiVo, I turned on some quiet Christmas music and sat down with my thoughts about parents. As I wrote about my mother, I realized I was touching on things I'm angry about so I went downstairs and I took my baseball bat and started whacking the basement poles......eyes closed, feet on ground. Whack, whack....random thoughts.....not really focused....whack, whack...thinking about her trying to help me when I don't want her help. Whack, whack, remembering her trying to divert my daughter. I turned around and directed the baseball bat at a larger target....my giant beanbag chair. I began to let myself go, lose control, feet coming off the ground, literally leaping into the air to get the force I wanted behind each smack and as I began to utter sounds, cries and miscellaneous words, that statement above is what I ended up screaming out loud before I dropped the bat and fell onto the chair, sobbing and out of breath. Though the sobbing only lasted a moment, I know I touched a part of me that has been tightly held behind bars for a very long time and you know what.....I'm damn proud. I'm proud that I did it and that I purposely avoided all my distraction tactics tonight and made a choice for me, for my emotional health. Good for me.

I FEEL ROBBED. That is what came to my mind as I wrote the line in the last paragraph about my thoughts about parents. My thoughts about parents are that I feel robbed. I had one so aggressive that he scarred me in one direction and the other so bloody passive that she scarred me in the other direction. And where am I left? Stretched in the middle between the two of them trying to figure out who to be, how to please them, learning their behaviors that are about as polar opposite as can be. How do I incorporate that into one being....my being? Jesus no wonder the attention from my brother was so welcomed. He at least had some idea of the experience of being a child of those two.

They had no business having children. There is another thought. Really, no business at all. They were both so monumentally screwed up from their pasts and they were just kids....god, they were 19 when they got married. 21 when they had my brother and 24 when they had me. I was in a cyclone of turmoil in my mid 20's. You know, I got pregnant when I was 21. It was unplanned. I ended up having a miscarriage and I'm so glad that I did. I cannot imagine the child I would have raised if I'd tried at that point. I thank GOD for sparing that child a life of pain that it would have surely endured to have me as a single mother at that time.

I've been transitioning over to writing mainly on my blog now and I forget what I've posted where. I'll go back & check but I realized not long ago that I was displacing some feelings. I said that I was having an urge to contact my exboyfriend T because I felt unsettled with him since our relationship ended in anger. And I said that I felt like I needed to put a different spin on my closure with him. And it hit me that I don't have closure with him but it's not about him. The unsettled feelings about a significant relationship ended in anger is about my father. How do I resolve this? I feel like I recognize it and I'm ready to let it go. I just don't comprehend what has to be done after desire and readiness are expressed. I feel like I bought the ticket for a trip and now I'm standing at the airport and there's no plane! Can I please at least find the airport bar and enjoy a couple martini's while I wait for the plane to pull in?????

Dream Dictionary

So I looked up a few things in a dream dictionary for my past few dreams:

The one with the gorillas in the hospital:
To see a gorilla in your dream, suggests that you may be too "over the top" in your behavior. Perhaps you are compensating for your rigidity and stiffness in your waking life. Alternatively, the gorilla symbolizes your primitive impulses, wild nature and repressed sexual energy.

To see a hospital in your dream, symbolizes your need to heal or improve your physical or mental heath. You need to get back to the flow of everyday life.

The one about the heroin addict snake:

To see a snake or be bitten by one in your dream, signifies hidden fears and worries that are threatening you. Your dream may be alerting you to something in your waking life that you are not aware of or that has not yet surfaced. The snake may also be seen as phallic and thus symbolize dangerous and forbidden sexuality. The snake may also refer to a person around you who is callous, ruthless, and can't be trusted. As a positive symbol, snakes represent transformation, knowledge and wisdom. It is indicative of self-renewal and positive changes.

To dream that you are in possession of or taking drugs, signifies your need for a "quick fix". You may be turning to a potentially harmful alternative as an instant escape from your problems. Ask yourself why you need the drugs. What do you hope the drugs will achieve for you?

To dream that you have an addiction or become addicted, represent an obsessive behavior. A situation or a person may be trying to take over your sense of control. The dream also suggests that you have difficulty relating to the world around you.

To dream that you are in the bathroom, relates to your instinctual urges. You may be experiencing some burdens/feelings and need to "relieve yourself". Alternatively, it may symbolize purification and self-renewal. You need to cleanse yourself, both emotionally and psychologically.

The one about B being taken away:

To see a carpenter indicates that you are confronting and overcoming your obstacles. Alternatively, it suggests that you need to change your way of thinking and readjust your attitude//To see construction in your dream, signifies a new surge of energy, ambition and renewed confidence. It may also represent the rebuilding of your own life.

To dream that you are climbing a steep rock, signifies struggles, obstacles, and disappointments.//To dream that you are at the edge of a cliff, indicates that you have arrived to an increased level of understanding, new awareness, and a fresh point of view. You may have reached a critical point in your life and may fear losing control.

To see a bonfire in your dream, suggests that you need to find a new path and set forth toward a different goal. It is time to freely express yourself and let go of the old outdated ways of thinking.

To dream that you get wet from the rain, signifies that you will soon be cleansed from your troubles and problems. Rain also symbolizes fertility and renewal.

To dream about a blizzard, suggests that you are feeling emotionally cold and frigid. You are feeling excluded and left out. It may indicate a lack of love and the absence of warmth within your own family circle.

To dream that you are driving a car, denotes your ambition, your drive and your ability to navigate from one stage of your life to another. Consider how smooth or rough the car ride is. Whether you are driving the car or a passenger, is indicative of of your active role or passive role in your life. Overall, this dream symbol is an indication of your dependence and degree of control you have on your life.

To dream about your birthday, denotes acceptance of yourself. You are celebrating who you are and coming to terms with who you are as a person. (It wasn't MY birthday in the dream, but my daughter's who was definitely signifying my IC)

To see a doughnut in your dream, represents the Self. It suggests that you may be feeling lost and still trying to find yourself and your purpose in life. Alternatively, it refers to growth, development and nurturance. You are not completely whole.

To see your childhood home or a home that you no longer live in, reflects aspects of yourself that were prominent or developed during the time you lived in that home. You may experience some feelings or unfinished expression of emotions that are now being triggered by a waking situation.

Another Dream

I had another one this morning. The beginnings of it are vague. My mother had bought a new house (which in reality, she really has just bought a new place) and she had hired a contractor to do some renovations. This contractor was like a "biker dude" and he hung out with a large group of similar type of people. His girlfriend, whose name was Lisa, "borrowed" my daughter B. As in she wanted to take her out for the day or something, to give me a little time to myself. Except somehow, I ended up with a "substitute" B. She looked like her and acted like her for the most part but I knew it wasn't really her. No one else knew. It took me a little while to realize it wasn't really B and remember that Lisa had taken her. So I started frantically trying to call Lisa and the contractor but I couldn't find anyone. I was driving to the place I knew they all hung out and the drive was over these stark rock cliffs, the road, if you can call it that, right of the very edge over a huge canyon or some sort of steep drop off. I was driving my old car, a huge SUV and just speeding over these rocks without fear of the drop off. I got to where they were and they were having a big bonfire. I couldn't get anyone's attention. I couldn't find Lisa. I couldn't get any answers. I thought about calling the police but I knew they would not believe me that I didn't have my daughter when I had this child who looked just like her. I knew I was the only one who could could possibly get to the bottom of it. I was the only one I could depend on....all up to me. I continued to go about life as usual while secretly trying to find my B. I took substitute B to daycare and no one noticed it wasn't really her. I was picking her up one afternoon and thinking to myself....why am I making myself crazy trying to find MY B when I have a B right here....why can't I just go on with this B? No one else seems to know it's not her. But *I* know and she is my baby and my responsibility and I can't just leave her out there being raised by God-knows-who? And then when I do find her, what will I do with substitue B? I can't just toss her aside....she's a person, too. Anyway, I was talking to her teachers and they were telling me about some project they were planning and they were all singing and happy. They started talking about the huge snowstorm that was forecasted for the following day but yet when I looked outside, it was summer. I took substitute B and I was waiting to sign her out for the day. There was a woman in front of me at the sign out book and I didn't see her face but I noticed she was wearing pants that still had the tag on them with a size 14 showing on the tag. I took substitute B out to the car and it started absolutely pouring buckets. I got her into the car seat. I opened the trunk for something and there was a small pool of water in the trunk. I got into the driver seat and I realized this was a rental car that I'd picked up a while back because I thought there was something wrong with my regular car. But I realized that nothing was wrong with my car and I'd been paying for this rental all this time for no reason. I knew I had to get my own car back but first I needed to look for real B again. So we drove around trying to find her or a clue or Lisa & the contractor. I stopped at a convenience store for something and while checking out, I saw a display case of donuts and I realized it was B's birthday. So I picked up a huge donut with white frosting and multi-colored sprinkles, had them put a candle in it and I bought her a Bday card. I went to some house, that I think might have been the contractors. Whoa....as I just typed that, I was trying to picture the house in my mind and I *think* it might have been the house we lived in in California, which is when my abuse really started. Anyway...that is where the dream ended.

So....I will be very anxious to share this one with my T and get her take but a few things pop out at me. I think I'm searching for my IC (inner child) and the fact that I have this lookalike, little shell of my B that no one realizes is not really her speaks to my holding all of my turmoil in and putting on the happy face so no one knew what was wrong. I think it's funny that I'm not scared of the journey over the cliffs to find real B b/c in reality, I am very hesitant to take the journey to find my IC. Maybe this is telling me not to be afraid. The part where I questioned if I really needed to stress myself out tryingto find real B when I had this little clone already...well, that speaks for itself. And the part where I knew I could not tell the authorities and could only depend on myself to find her....that does also. I don't really understand the significance of the contractor but I imagine there is one..... The rental car thing.....I've been "paying" for something that I took on b/c I was afraid there was something wrong with my real "car"....I think that is signifying figuratively paying so as not to take the chance of finding out something is wrong, ie: fear that something is wrong with ME and so pushing that aside and covering it up with something shiny and new. Oh and the size 14 tag on the pants....I've been selling some of my Mom's clothes on Ebay and that is her size so I'm sure there is some sort of meaning in that as well. My Mom signing me out? I don't know. Man...can't wait for counseling next week!!!

November is a rough month

It's a very emotional month for me.
11/2: would have been my 3 year anniversary with XBF
11/9: would have been my friend Nancy's birthday
11/25: my brother's birthday
Day before thanksgiving: my friend Nancy died 2 years ago on that day
Thanksgiving....just full of feelings, memories, disappointments: A day that should be shared with family. The dysfunctional family that I don't see. The functional and close family I don't have but do crave. It was the day I met XBF's family for the first time 3 years ago as we planned our life together and then we spent 4 days together housesitting for his friends and we "played house", just knowing this would be how the rest of our lives would be. BS!

I sort of feel like I miss XBF but I don't think it's nearly as much about him as it is about just wishing my life was in a different place and the expectation that he was my future. I know it was all based on fantasy but it was so real at the time. And lets face it....fantasy is so much more appealing than reality! This time last year, he and I were house hunting together. How it all fell apart so quickly, from planning to spend our lives together to being broken up and not speaking anymore in a matter of months....I just have no idea. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad we are broken up because I see how wrong it was now. I see how much I lost myself in him; how many of my own needs were suppressed to accomodate him. I won't have that again. And while I know the relationship was doomed from the start because of HIS issues, I also see where he gave me so many opportunities to express what I was holding in and I didn't do it. I see where he may have lost his respect and love for me because of it. And I'm beating myself up about it a bit. Why? What good does that do? It doesn't. I need to just process it and release it.

Speaking of process and release.....my friend J was over the night before TGiving. She recently broke up with her BF and so it's an emotional holiday season for her as well. She's been journaling in her laptop for several months about the whole relationship, all she's learned through the process. Thanksgiving morning, we were watching the parade, she was journaling and I was baking. And she accidentally deleted a huge chunk of her journal. I feel for her because I've done this before and it's devastating. In the midst of her breakdown, I found myself almost envious of the way she was able to express what she was feeling and thinking. She was openly sobbing, reached out to me for a hug and support, was screaming in anger about how much this process sucks and how learning, growing, being strong etc is too hard to keep up all the time. She called her parents to talk to them about how she felt! Can you imagine? Being able to call your parents and cry about your feelings?? Aaah! Even just being able to express all of those feelings so fully in the moment. It was so foreign to me.

Dreams

I used to almost never dream. It seems that lately I've been dreaming quite regularly but I almost never remember them. Often after I've been awake for a while, I'll have a glimpse of something and realize that I did have a dream that would be a good one to remember but I never get past that glimpse. I woke up this morning and I do remember something I dreamt about last night. I believe it was 2 different dreams. Each one very telling.

Dream #1: I wish I could remember how it began but it was about a snake. Someone told me about this snake and I want to say I think it might have been my brother but I might be confusing this with the other dream. In any case, the snake had an addiction to heroin and it would come around looking to be rubbed down with heroin which it then apparently soaked in through it's skin. Whoever it was who told me about it told me that he was an understanding snake and it was safe to interact with him. If I didn't have heroin, I could just rub the snake and it would appease him enough and he'd leave. So I wasn't worried when the snake came to me looking to feed it's addiction. I didn't have heroin so I just rubbed the snake, rubbed him down with water and talked to him. He was happy with that and he left. This happened several times until he came to me in a seemingly "strung out" kind of state, swollent, angry, demanding. I was about to try my usual method of placating him when he began to hiss and threaten me. The water rub down was not going to cut it. I had to go get him some heroin that minute. So I had to go to the street and find a way to purchase the drugs. I returned with it and rubbed him down. He appeared to go into a trance like state of being high and I also did. I don't know if it's pertinent but it seemed this all took place in a very stark white bathroom and there was water on the floor that he swam &/or slithered in.

Dream #2: I was in a hospital, working in the hospital. Somehow...the hospital ended up with a "gorilla infestation". I put that in quotes because I said it over and over and over in the dream. There is a gorilla infestation. It seemed to be all baby or at least smallish gorillas. They were everywhere. And they wanted/needed to be held or to just be in the presence of people. So they were surrounding us, all the people in the hospital, staff and patients alike. We were unable to work; we were sitting on beds with groups of gorillas just piled on top of us. Couldn't walk down the hall, go to the bathroom, care for anyone without being surrounded. I kept trying to talk to other doctors and the chief of staff about the problem and no one seemed concerned. I finally said I was going to call the AMA (American Medical Association) for assistance and I was told not to do that, that if we just did what the gorillas wanted, they would eventually go away. I kept trying to get any other doctor on my side to call an authority with me and no one would support me. In fact, they began to treat me like I didn't exist because they were so opposed to getting involved in reporting it. I managed to make it outside without any gorillas and I think I was in Hawaii....in fact, my cousins husband and kids were there (they live in HI but I've never met them...weird) And the hospital seemed to be going through some sort of renovation and the crew from Extreme Makeover: Home Edition was there. They were about to do their big unveiling of the renovations and I pulled him aside and told him about the gorilla infestation. At this point in the dream, I realized that I was still in a panic about the gorillas but I hadn't seen one in a while so I began to wonder if they were still there or if the whole thing even happened at all. I felt stupid for gettin Ty all worked up about it. But at least he supported my decision to call for help. I snuck back into the hospital and got to an empty room which was my brothers room. I tried to look in a phone book to find the number for the AMA. I called an operator for assistance and requested the emergency # for the AMA. She told me I had to text the word "brother" to a certain # for emergency assistance. Then my brother actually walked in on me in his room and that is all I remember.

Sooooo......no rocket science needed to gather the meaning of either dream. They are filled with my brother. By the way, I should probably mention that tomorrow is my brother's birthday and I know my mother is getting together with him today. The first one is about my own addiction. The second about trying to get someone to hear me &/or help me in what happened with my brother. It struck me as I was writing dream #1...the stark white bathroom. I think that is the bathroom at my mothers new house. And the end of the dream, where I became high as well.....aahhhh, sweet dissociation. And dream #2, the hospital. My mother works in a hospital. In fact, this conjured up memories of a dream I had several years ago where I was attacked in a hospital and was trying to get someone to help me but everyone was bustling around like they didn't even see me. So I guess it's about my mother's unwillingness/inability to help me in the abuse.

Date Afterthoughts, part 2

I figured it out. As I pondered and spoke with a close friend about it, I figured it out. It's not about sex. It is about trust to a degree, not just in another person, but trust in ME. But overwhelmingly, it's about CONTROL. I am flipping out and running in circles because I have no ability to control the outcome of the situation. And by obsessing about this, I am actually giving the control to him in the situation. Look, I even said that I would not know how I felt about it until I saw how he acted afterwards. Does that sound like the empowered statement of a woman who has decided to reclaim herself? Um, no. I am terrified to make a "mistake". Well, my task right now is to decide what *I* want to do. Not what I think he wants me to do. Not what I think I'm obliged to do. And not to feel bad because it seems like something others would judge as the wrong thing to do. I like him. I'm going to decide what I want to do and I'm going to go with it and know that, whatever the consequence, I did what was right for me. I claimed my power and I followed through with what I wanted. *Phew*

Afterthoughts from my date..........

Went on a second date last weekend. First date went really well. Nice connection. He was kind, respectful, gentlemanly. Intelligent, funny....a little "dorky" in an endearing way. SO cute. :o) Incredible eyes, inviting mouth, nice and tall which I love. Second date went equally well....we took a stroll, did a little shopping, went out for coffee. He was showing signs of being very interested. That's good, I'm interested too. When we were leaving, things got quite "hot & heavy" in the goodbye kisses and progressed into wandering hands and that kind of thing. I'll spare the details. I can safely say that, if we'd been somewhere private, we would have slept together. Since then, I've been tossing the issue around big time. We may get together this weekend and I feel like I need to be clear on how I'm feeling. But I'm having trouble identifying it.

I guess I'm just in this new place where I feel like, as long as I am being true to myself and I'm comfortable with how things are going, all is well. I'm trying to avoid getting lost in things/people..... feeling like I am "expected" to do certain things. I was feeling fine until I started going on circles on the sex issue and now I can't tell if I'm just being ridiculous and creating an issue where there is none or if I'm stuck in thinking about it because I'm not feeling comfortable about it Unfortunately, because of my history.....it's easy for me to slip back into certain "modes" when it comes to sex. It can be as much a dissociation as it can be a connection. I'm not sure if I'm uncomfortable.....I guess I'm just questioning my motivation for wanting to rush into sex with him. Is it simply that he's cute and I haven't had sex in 10 long months?? I mean it really could be that simple but then I start to think bigger picture and just wondering what I'm doing. Is this what I want? I'm stepping outside of the sex part and looking at how we interact which, up til this point was fine, fun and casual. Now it's mostly sex flirtation and I'm not sure how I feel about that even though I helped to create it. So, again.....not sure if I have a valid point to think about or if I'm just creating a roadblock. I think about the last time I had casual sex and it was awful in the emotional standpoint. It was something out of a movie. But I knew going into it that he was a player...I just chose to ignore it because he was hot. I didn't listen to myself. I can reluctantly admit I was just hoping that the evening together would "sway" him into feeling something for me. Instead, I left there feeling like a fool. I said I didn't want to do that again (casual sex).....but then I changed my whole tune about relationships and not really wanting one now. So, does that mean no sex? And how do I really feel about intimacy without an emotional connection? It's SUCH a loaded topic for me. I don't feel like I want to back out of what I began with him.....I just feel like I need to understand it and I really hate having to analyze why I want to have sex, b/c it kinda takes some fun out of it!! I guess better that than a regret. It's just new territory. Actually, more accurately....and why it's becoming an issue, I think....it's OLD territory with a new perspective. I guess I'm questioning if old behaviors done with new wisdom/clarity are still old behaviors that were once very destructive. I guess the bottom line of all of this is.....for whatever reason, something has happened, be it real or self-created, that has given me doubt and I should not do anything til I figure out if it has merit. Dammit.

I'm re-reading what I've written up to this point and I think I'm identifying something. I don't want to be made a fool again. I think that is what I'm coming away with. I don't know him well enough to know if this is all he wants from me. I'd like to think I've come far enough to be able to say I don't get the player vibe off of him. But people's deception skills can shock me. I do know for a fact that I'm not chosing to ignore something that is there. He's not exhibiting anything that I would deem shady or dishonest. It seems to me that I have a pattern going here.....I am the most comfortable in the situation with a man I'm not interested in being head over heels for me. Total control. Nothing to lose. No vulnerability. I'm safe, I'm protected. If I never talk to this person again, I will not care one bit. Yeah, baby....that's how I like it. In reality, I yearn to let someone into my heart......I ache to share my soul with someone who loves me in return. But it hurts too much letting people in. It's why I'd let them in my bed but not in my heart. I waited...waited for them to fall for me before I would fall for them. And when they did fall for me, I pushed them away. When they didn't, I just chalked it up to some recreational sex. No harm done. Dear god...the harm that has really been done. I have no idea how to gauge where sex is appropriate. Do emotionally healthy people have casual sex? I am beginning to think that my current relationship ambivalence is really a paralyzing fear to open myself up to hurt again. I seem to not understand anything in between. (me & my black & white thinking) It's "not me" to go slowly and get to know someone. Does physical intimacy alter the ability to get to know someone on an emotionally intimate level? I suppose it does not as long as you are on the same wavelength. But how to know if we're on the same wavelength without talking about it and how to keep things casual if I do choose to talk about? And why am I trying to keep it casual yet thinking about sleeping with him at the same time?? Alot of conundrums, here.

I want to because: I miss sex. It's been a long time and I really want to feel that closeness to someone. I like him. He's cute. He's sweet. I *think* he's a good guy. He is the first person I've had this feeling about since I started dating again. I've certainly had other opportunities to have sex but haven't taken them so I know it's not just about missing sex.

I hesitate because: I don't *know* if he's a good guy. I don't want it to end up like the last time I had sex with someone I didn't know well.

I think I might be feeling a small twinge of obligation b/c I definitely was so into it last time and I let him know (non-verbally) that I would have taken it further if I could have. Is it unreasonable to get swept away in the heat of the moment? Would I have regretted it if I had done it? Honestly, that would all depend on his actions from that point forward. Why do my feelings depend on his feelings? Am I going into this with an expectation? Well, yes.....my expectation is that he is the person he portrays himself to be. I don't expect him to be a great love of my life. I don't think he's that kind of guy for me. I also don't feel like I want that now. But why? Do I need to question why if I just know it's how I feel right now? Yeah, I think I do....because I think that sometimes I can even fool myself. Will I be able to get better at this if I don't make a few attempts and see how it feels? Or will I stay stuck and paralyzed? If I run with this, am I ignoring my own warning lights? I want to be this "cool girl" who doesn't care about having a boyfriend and doesnt need to talk things to death with a guy I'm dating. It's been feeling really comfortable to me....but now I'm not so sure how much that really is me or how much of it is just a comforting, protective persona. God damn, I'm so good at putting on a mask, I can't even recognize it myself.