As the intro to my blog says, I am an addict. I've gone through many addictions. Food sits the most comfortably. It's something that was basically bred into me. My mother tried to soothe me with food since she couldn't do what was necessary to really make a meaningful change in my young world. Awwww, Perfect seems so sad......I'll whip up 10 pounds of mashed potatoes for her. Oh no, Perfect is down in the dumps today....lookie, lookie, Mom brought you a box of Twinkies. What's that, Perfect? You're unhappy? Well, how about a fresh batch of cookies??
So it's no big surprise that I learned the lesson to bury my sorrows in food. It became more than that; a disconnect. A means to dissociate where I could mindlessly shovel something repetitively into my mouth literally stuffing back down any unwanted feeling that was attempting to rise to the surface. Feelings??? Threatening encroachment upon my blissful ignorance? I think not. (insert cookie) Take that (follow up with ice cream) and that! And just in case you haven't learned your lesson yet.....deal with this forkful of spaghetti that is so enormous it literally pains me to swallow and comes so close to choking me that I stand over the sink not sure if I'm going to vomit or die.
This is no way to live. This is where I strip away my defenses and my protections. This is where I stop pretending that I have things under control and where I come clean with things that are so shameful to me. I have gained 40 pounds in the past 6 months. I have turned myself into a diabetic. My Dr knows it and wants to treat me for it. I've been resistant the past few months because I wanted to get it under control on my own but I have not been able to. I've been resistant because it represents everything that I hate. My father is one, my grandmother, my aunt, my brother, my XDH. To me it represents just plain gluttony, no self control, no self worth, disgusting, lazy, disgraceful and making an excuse for something you chose to do to yourself. I cannot believe I have allowed this to happen. I am so disappointed in myself and my tattoo that signifies MY POWER mocks me from my arm, reminding me of how far I've fallen.
This is where and when I take responsibilty for what I have done. Because the thing is.....I was taught to do what I do. But there comes a time when the actions are no longer carried out in a shroud of oblivion. The time has come and passed since I realized this was a blatant, willful and purposeful act that I am choosing. And the time recently arrived where I admitted a certain level of powerlessness over the addiction. I think I had to do that. I am so disgusted with myself that I think I hit bottom this morning. Lord, I HOPE this was bottom. Because I don't know how much farther I can fall without killing myself first. And I decided that today was the day and the time has come for me to write the following:
Dear Food,
You and I have had a tumultuous relationship these past 3O-someodd years. You are a necessity in my life but our association has been so perversely twisted. It has long outlasted it's usefulness. I want to start by thanking you for providing me something I needed when I had no other outlet. You were there for me time and time again, consistently comforting me when I was depressed, scared, angry, out of control. You centered me back to my home of blissful dissociation. But that is my home no longer. Memories and emotions are something I will welcome instead of avoiding. I am on the doorstep to a life of grounded reality where I am able to deal with what I feel as it comes up. And food, my long time companion and confidant, I cannot cross this doorstep with you at my side. This is a journey I cannot take unless I sever the relationship that has been. I will feel uncertain for a while as I attempt to navigate our new and limited working relationship. But it's a step I must take for myself. For my emotional well being, for my physical health, to be a better example to my daughter, for my self esteem and just because I am worthy of being a whole, happy, functional and healthy person. I take repsonsibility for the power I gave to you and I now reclaim that power back to myself.
Sincerely, Perfect
Wednesday, January 9, 2008
Wednesday Ramblings
First off, I'm going to preface this by saying I am sleep deprived, stressed out, overly busy and I forgot to take my meds last night so I'm on a short fuse today.
I swore for the first time in front of my DD this morning when a car tried to run me off the road refusing to properly merge. Usually I brush that kind of stuff off without a thought but this morning, I was fuming, laying on the horn for a solid minute and called her an ass right in front of my DD. I also snapped at my daughter because she was trying to talk to me while I was trying to listen to a song on the radio. How awful is that?? Nice mother....I'd rather hear Alicia Keys instead of my child. *sigh* I told her Mommy was crabby today and apologized.
Came into the office which was basically stepping into a hornets nest.....Boss is out sick, need to reschedule his day & take care of some things we're working on together. Need to deal with contractors who are expanding our office space, phone people who are putting in a new system this week, new employees who both have questions, issues, need training. Phone ringing, ringing, ringing. Everyone reminding me that I'm behind....YES, DAMMIT. I know that I'm behind but until you hire a trainer, a personal assistant, a receptionist, an IT and a freaking General Contracting Foreman.....YOU'RE ALL GOING TO HAVE TO DEAL WITH IT. Or
f***ing figure out how to do it for your damn selves. The urge to send a global email reminding the staff that I am but ONE person is staggeringly overwhelming. God damn, I need some more coffee before I keep going. Okay...coffee brewed but let me just add, to my fellow employees, that it does not take a brain surgeon to realize that the more times you call and stop into my office to find out if I've done the thing you need simply just delays my actually being able to get work done. And if you've paid attention one iota to my personality in the three years I've worked here....you will realize that the more you piss me off, the closer to the bottom of the pile your request falls. Phew....that vent is over. In the spirit of a positive spin....I'm going to label this vent "good anger work" :o)
I have this friend who lives in Cali. He's a "safe" relationship. I know he has feelings for me. I have feelings for him too and I'd like the chance to explore those feelings even though I don't think he's the right one for me..... But still, it's been a long time in literal terms since we've seen one another. It's been over 4 years. In terms of who I am and where I'm at....it's been a lifetime and a half. He always tells me how much he cares for me, how much he'd like the chance to be a family with me & DD. He's always making references to coming out here. It used to make me swoon. Last night we were on the phone and he said "If only you know how many times I've been tempted to just hop on a plane, one way, and come be with you." And I replied "What I DO know is how many times you've actually done it. So quit talking about it unless you're knocking on my door." This may not seem like a big deal to anyone else but for me, it's a big thing to be able to see the reality of a relationship that holds promise to be something I really want in my life. So for me to hand his words back to him and basically say "make these into action or shut the hell up about it" is really big.
I seem to have some unresolved feelings about my relationship with XDH. I'm not really sure what they are about. I'm not even really sure it warrants more than just acknowledgment at this moment. I'm just putting it out here to open myself up to thinking about it. I think Enola's situation with her DH has stirred some memories for me. In addition, I was reading an old journal last week and I found in there a copy of the letter I left for XDH when I left him. And I also found the printout of an IM conversation that was so very.......I don't even know the word. It made me cringe from the inside out when I read it. He was so horribly manipulative. He was cruel. Immature. Angry. And yet I stayed friends with him.....I know why I did it at the time and I'm glad I did because I needed his cooperation in some legal matters. Lately I've found myself actually really enjoying the conversations we occasionally have. Maybe I'm just feeling conflicted about that when I'm reminded of how horribly he treated me.
I finally got everything squared away to get my alarm installed at my house. I am waiting for them to call me back with an install date. I am hoping they can make it for MLK day since DD's Pre-K is closed that day and I have to take the day off anyway. I've slept like crap for the past few weeks. I thought insomnia was a permanent condition, some sort of chemical thing...but I guess not. I researched some about it and there is a diagnosis for Transient Insomnia which I must be suffering from at present. Yes, I could take Xanax at night to konk me out but I'm in such a state of panic about someone being in my house that I'm too scared to take a pill that puts me to sleep in case I need to wake up. I'm scared to sleep. It seems I go through several days of that until at last I'm so dog-tired that I can't resist it anymore. I think I'm averaging about every 3 days getting a few uninterrupted hours. I lay in bed and I fidget. I turn on the TV because silence is my bitter enemy....then I have to hear every tiny rustle and creak and I have to get out of bed. I sleep with my phone and a weapon. I have to check on DD a hundred times. Is she still there?? My chest is tight, my heart pounds, breathing shallow. I convince myself I'm having a heart attack or maybe it's just lung cancer because no ones lungs could possibly be so restricted unless they are riddled with disease. I start to watch TV again, then pick my head up....what did I hear? What was that? Look out on the deck....anyone there? Is the door still locked? 2x4 still in the track? Check on DD....still there? Look. Listen. Nothing more. Back in bed. Fidget, fidget. Pull the covers up. My skin feels so hot that it stings. I pull one arm out from the blankets and I feel so completely naked and vulnerable, fully exposed and just waiting to be attacked. So back under the blanket it goes and I pull them up to my chin, only leaving out enough of myself to breathe. And repeat the whole scenario. Repeat. Repeat. And repeat again until morning comes.
I swore for the first time in front of my DD this morning when a car tried to run me off the road refusing to properly merge. Usually I brush that kind of stuff off without a thought but this morning, I was fuming, laying on the horn for a solid minute and called her an ass right in front of my DD. I also snapped at my daughter because she was trying to talk to me while I was trying to listen to a song on the radio. How awful is that?? Nice mother....I'd rather hear Alicia Keys instead of my child. *sigh* I told her Mommy was crabby today and apologized.
Came into the office which was basically stepping into a hornets nest.....Boss is out sick, need to reschedule his day & take care of some things we're working on together. Need to deal with contractors who are expanding our office space, phone people who are putting in a new system this week, new employees who both have questions, issues, need training. Phone ringing, ringing, ringing. Everyone reminding me that I'm behind....YES, DAMMIT. I know that I'm behind but until you hire a trainer, a personal assistant, a receptionist, an IT and a freaking General Contracting Foreman.....YOU'RE ALL GOING TO HAVE TO DEAL WITH IT. Or
f***ing figure out how to do it for your damn selves. The urge to send a global email reminding the staff that I am but ONE person is staggeringly overwhelming. God damn, I need some more coffee before I keep going. Okay...coffee brewed but let me just add, to my fellow employees, that it does not take a brain surgeon to realize that the more times you call and stop into my office to find out if I've done the thing you need simply just delays my actually being able to get work done. And if you've paid attention one iota to my personality in the three years I've worked here....you will realize that the more you piss me off, the closer to the bottom of the pile your request falls. Phew....that vent is over. In the spirit of a positive spin....I'm going to label this vent "good anger work" :o)
I have this friend who lives in Cali. He's a "safe" relationship. I know he has feelings for me. I have feelings for him too and I'd like the chance to explore those feelings even though I don't think he's the right one for me..... But still, it's been a long time in literal terms since we've seen one another. It's been over 4 years. In terms of who I am and where I'm at....it's been a lifetime and a half. He always tells me how much he cares for me, how much he'd like the chance to be a family with me & DD. He's always making references to coming out here. It used to make me swoon. Last night we were on the phone and he said "If only you know how many times I've been tempted to just hop on a plane, one way, and come be with you." And I replied "What I DO know is how many times you've actually done it. So quit talking about it unless you're knocking on my door." This may not seem like a big deal to anyone else but for me, it's a big thing to be able to see the reality of a relationship that holds promise to be something I really want in my life. So for me to hand his words back to him and basically say "make these into action or shut the hell up about it" is really big.
I seem to have some unresolved feelings about my relationship with XDH. I'm not really sure what they are about. I'm not even really sure it warrants more than just acknowledgment at this moment. I'm just putting it out here to open myself up to thinking about it. I think Enola's situation with her DH has stirred some memories for me. In addition, I was reading an old journal last week and I found in there a copy of the letter I left for XDH when I left him. And I also found the printout of an IM conversation that was so very.......I don't even know the word. It made me cringe from the inside out when I read it. He was so horribly manipulative. He was cruel. Immature. Angry. And yet I stayed friends with him.....I know why I did it at the time and I'm glad I did because I needed his cooperation in some legal matters. Lately I've found myself actually really enjoying the conversations we occasionally have. Maybe I'm just feeling conflicted about that when I'm reminded of how horribly he treated me.
I finally got everything squared away to get my alarm installed at my house. I am waiting for them to call me back with an install date. I am hoping they can make it for MLK day since DD's Pre-K is closed that day and I have to take the day off anyway. I've slept like crap for the past few weeks. I thought insomnia was a permanent condition, some sort of chemical thing...but I guess not. I researched some about it and there is a diagnosis for Transient Insomnia which I must be suffering from at present. Yes, I could take Xanax at night to konk me out but I'm in such a state of panic about someone being in my house that I'm too scared to take a pill that puts me to sleep in case I need to wake up. I'm scared to sleep. It seems I go through several days of that until at last I'm so dog-tired that I can't resist it anymore. I think I'm averaging about every 3 days getting a few uninterrupted hours. I lay in bed and I fidget. I turn on the TV because silence is my bitter enemy....then I have to hear every tiny rustle and creak and I have to get out of bed. I sleep with my phone and a weapon. I have to check on DD a hundred times. Is she still there?? My chest is tight, my heart pounds, breathing shallow. I convince myself I'm having a heart attack or maybe it's just lung cancer because no ones lungs could possibly be so restricted unless they are riddled with disease. I start to watch TV again, then pick my head up....what did I hear? What was that? Look out on the deck....anyone there? Is the door still locked? 2x4 still in the track? Check on DD....still there? Look. Listen. Nothing more. Back in bed. Fidget, fidget. Pull the covers up. My skin feels so hot that it stings. I pull one arm out from the blankets and I feel so completely naked and vulnerable, fully exposed and just waiting to be attacked. So back under the blanket it goes and I pull them up to my chin, only leaving out enough of myself to breathe. And repeat the whole scenario. Repeat. Repeat. And repeat again until morning comes.
Monday, January 7, 2008
Nurturing Self Care
A Daily Meditation from TLOLG Book.
What do we need to do to take care of ourselves?
Listen to that voice inside. What make you angry? What have you had enough of? What don't you trust? What doesn't feel right? What can't you stand? What makes you uncomfortable? What do you want? Need? What don't you want and need? What do you like? What would feel good?
In recovery, we learn that self care leads us on the path to God's will and plan for our life. Self care never leads away from our highest good; it leads toward it.
Learn to nurture that voice inside. We can trust ourselves. We can take care of ourselves. We are wiser than we think. Our guide is within, ever present. Listen to, trust and nurture that guide. Our inner selves will tell us what we need to know, and we'll love ourselves enough to listen.
********************
I want to try to answer those questions and I'd encourage others to try it as well. Answer from the standpoint of your own emotional & inner self, your own personal needs. This was not nearly as easy as I thought it would be. Which tells me I did it right!
What make you angry? Being stuck in old patterns makes me angry. Particularly when I recognize that it's an old pattern which does not serve me anymore yet I can't seem to let go of what is learned. Things like punishing myself, the "dance" with my mother.
What have you had enough of? I have had enough of feeling responsible for other people's fragile emotions. I aim that particularly at my mother. I've had enough of succumbing to my own guilt and putting other people's needs & comfort before my own. I've had enough of walking on eggshells to last me 15 lifetimes. I've had enough of coming upon the same themes and lessons in this process and never feeling like I'm getting further ahead. I've had enough of anxiety and panic. I've had enough of desiring to control other people and situations. I'm so done with this. I love my T but seriously....I've had enough of therapy!! Meaning I'm just so ready to not need it so much.
What don't you trust? I don't always trust my own instincts. I should. They are usually right. But I think it's been so instilled in me that I'm stupid, worthless, etc that I doubt my own ability or insight. I definitely do not trust my ability to "read" other people (ie: men that I might potentially get involved with) at this point. I have made too many misjudgments in the past. I think I've done a recent 180 and I'm being hyper-vigilant now, seeing issues where there may be none. I think hyper-vigilant is a good word for this answer altogether....I'm in this learning stage, trying to break out of old habits, but still unsure of my new direction. I don't think I fully trust anything yet as I navigate this new path.
What doesn't feel right? What doesn't feel right is when I go back to being how I was. There is one particular relationship, if you can even call it that, that I am involved in right now that pulls me back into my old ways. I take full responsibility for that because I allowed it to happen. But I haven't done anything to change it. Yet. It holds a certain attraction because it requires no thought from me and it's enjoyable. But it also requires a detachment and dissociation of sorts which I know is unhealthy for me and where I am now.
What can't you stand? I can't stand this "in between" stage. I feel like I have been here forever. I made peace with the gradual nature of healing a while back so it's not that I just want to *BAM* be healed 100% right now. But I can't stand it when I understand something intellectually but then still can't make the connection to it in a practical way at the same time. for example: Understanding that my desire to reach out to XBF & DD's Bio-Father are both tied to my own father issues but still feeling like I need to contact them anyway.
What makes you uncomfortable? It makes me uncomfortable when I "change the rules" with people who have been in my life for a long time. It's alot easier for me to present the "new & improved" me to people who are new to me. But when I'm known as being a certain way, it's slightly uncomfortable to assert myself in a different way. As I think about it, I guess I feel like I won't be taken seriously. Although I remember when I did this with my XDH and it felt FAN-Freaking-TASTIC to assert myself with him!! Boy did it make him CRAZY (snicker, snicker!)Then again, he was abusive and really wearing me down. The discomfort, I think, comes into play in relationships that are working fine and then I want to change. Ahhh...yes. I can think of one right now, my friend JBH. I guess it's when I still feel like I have something to lose if I show myself to be a person who may no longer be "likeable". If I demand too much, then that person will abandon me. Interesting.
What do you want? Need? Hmmmm....I hate hugely open questions like this..... I want AND need to integrate my head/heart discrepancies. I want a romantic relationship. I don't know if it counts as a need....but I really do want it. I need to get organized at home and work. And I need to feel perfectly fine and normal when I say "I cannot do it all". Right now, I say those words and then I silently start plotting "...but if I stay up til 2am....but if I come into the office at 5am.....but if I can just get this done and that....THEN I really COULD do it all!!"
What don't you want and need? I don't want or need anyone in my life who is not going to embrace my best interest. I don't want my addiction. Unfortunately, there are parts of me that still believe I need it. But I don't. I really, truly do not need it.
What do you like? Is it bad that I'm stumped by this question?? I like time with my daughter. I like blogging and reading others blogs. I like doing my Ebay business. I like movies. I like cooking. I like my grounded breathing and imagery. I like creating things.
What would feel good? It would feel good to be able to process and release all these stored up old emotions, namely anger. It would feel phenomenal to no longer have to live with panic, anxiety and the physical manifestations of them. It would feel good to be rid of my addictions and the "need" for it. It would feel good to be able to relax without guilt. It would feel good to be able to do my grounded breathing without getting a searing headache every time I begin to relax.
What do we need to do to take care of ourselves?
Listen to that voice inside. What make you angry? What have you had enough of? What don't you trust? What doesn't feel right? What can't you stand? What makes you uncomfortable? What do you want? Need? What don't you want and need? What do you like? What would feel good?
In recovery, we learn that self care leads us on the path to God's will and plan for our life. Self care never leads away from our highest good; it leads toward it.
Learn to nurture that voice inside. We can trust ourselves. We can take care of ourselves. We are wiser than we think. Our guide is within, ever present. Listen to, trust and nurture that guide. Our inner selves will tell us what we need to know, and we'll love ourselves enough to listen.
********************
I want to try to answer those questions and I'd encourage others to try it as well. Answer from the standpoint of your own emotional & inner self, your own personal needs. This was not nearly as easy as I thought it would be. Which tells me I did it right!
What make you angry? Being stuck in old patterns makes me angry. Particularly when I recognize that it's an old pattern which does not serve me anymore yet I can't seem to let go of what is learned. Things like punishing myself, the "dance" with my mother.
What have you had enough of? I have had enough of feeling responsible for other people's fragile emotions. I aim that particularly at my mother. I've had enough of succumbing to my own guilt and putting other people's needs & comfort before my own. I've had enough of walking on eggshells to last me 15 lifetimes. I've had enough of coming upon the same themes and lessons in this process and never feeling like I'm getting further ahead. I've had enough of anxiety and panic. I've had enough of desiring to control other people and situations. I'm so done with this. I love my T but seriously....I've had enough of therapy!! Meaning I'm just so ready to not need it so much.
What don't you trust? I don't always trust my own instincts. I should. They are usually right. But I think it's been so instilled in me that I'm stupid, worthless, etc that I doubt my own ability or insight. I definitely do not trust my ability to "read" other people (ie: men that I might potentially get involved with) at this point. I have made too many misjudgments in the past. I think I've done a recent 180 and I'm being hyper-vigilant now, seeing issues where there may be none. I think hyper-vigilant is a good word for this answer altogether....I'm in this learning stage, trying to break out of old habits, but still unsure of my new direction. I don't think I fully trust anything yet as I navigate this new path.
What doesn't feel right? What doesn't feel right is when I go back to being how I was. There is one particular relationship, if you can even call it that, that I am involved in right now that pulls me back into my old ways. I take full responsibility for that because I allowed it to happen. But I haven't done anything to change it. Yet. It holds a certain attraction because it requires no thought from me and it's enjoyable. But it also requires a detachment and dissociation of sorts which I know is unhealthy for me and where I am now.
What can't you stand? I can't stand this "in between" stage. I feel like I have been here forever. I made peace with the gradual nature of healing a while back so it's not that I just want to *BAM* be healed 100% right now. But I can't stand it when I understand something intellectually but then still can't make the connection to it in a practical way at the same time. for example: Understanding that my desire to reach out to XBF & DD's Bio-Father are both tied to my own father issues but still feeling like I need to contact them anyway.
What makes you uncomfortable? It makes me uncomfortable when I "change the rules" with people who have been in my life for a long time. It's alot easier for me to present the "new & improved" me to people who are new to me. But when I'm known as being a certain way, it's slightly uncomfortable to assert myself in a different way. As I think about it, I guess I feel like I won't be taken seriously. Although I remember when I did this with my XDH and it felt FAN-Freaking-TASTIC to assert myself with him!! Boy did it make him CRAZY (snicker, snicker!)Then again, he was abusive and really wearing me down. The discomfort, I think, comes into play in relationships that are working fine and then I want to change. Ahhh...yes. I can think of one right now, my friend JBH. I guess it's when I still feel like I have something to lose if I show myself to be a person who may no longer be "likeable". If I demand too much, then that person will abandon me. Interesting.
What do you want? Need? Hmmmm....I hate hugely open questions like this..... I want AND need to integrate my head/heart discrepancies. I want a romantic relationship. I don't know if it counts as a need....but I really do want it. I need to get organized at home and work. And I need to feel perfectly fine and normal when I say "I cannot do it all". Right now, I say those words and then I silently start plotting "...but if I stay up til 2am....but if I come into the office at 5am.....but if I can just get this done and that....THEN I really COULD do it all!!"
What don't you want and need? I don't want or need anyone in my life who is not going to embrace my best interest. I don't want my addiction. Unfortunately, there are parts of me that still believe I need it. But I don't. I really, truly do not need it.
What do you like? Is it bad that I'm stumped by this question?? I like time with my daughter. I like blogging and reading others blogs. I like doing my Ebay business. I like movies. I like cooking. I like my grounded breathing and imagery. I like creating things.
What would feel good? It would feel good to be able to process and release all these stored up old emotions, namely anger. It would feel phenomenal to no longer have to live with panic, anxiety and the physical manifestations of them. It would feel good to be rid of my addictions and the "need" for it. It would feel good to be able to relax without guilt. It would feel good to be able to do my grounded breathing without getting a searing headache every time I begin to relax.
Thursday, January 3, 2008
Borrowed from "My Dissonance"
If you have not checked out her blog, by all means, PLEASE DO! What an incredibly brave and emotional writer she is. I'm sharing, with her permission, some of the things she wrote in a recent post that really, REALLY spoke to me. I did pare down some of it but it's absolutely worth visiting her site to read the unedited version! I bolded the parts that hit me the hardest.
4. What were the three hardest obstacles to overcome?
Figuring out who I am was incredibly difficult, but figuring out that I was enough, as a human being, was even harder. For the longest time I felt and believed what I needed to, in order to adapt and thus survive within my environment. Due to this manner of developing my authentic self simply got very lost along the way. I was always trying to be enough, or to do enough in order to change the circumstances I was born into. I never realized that me - just me, with my OWN thoughts, beliefs, and feelings -- I'd ALWAYS been enough. All along there had never really been a need for me to have changed anything about myself. Finally I began to not just realize, but know in my heart, that nothing I could have ever been, or could have ever done would have changed, prevented, or stopped any of it.
Knowing that its okay for me to relax and let go was, and still can be, quite a challenge. Learning that I had to let go of any responsibility for the people and things around me, for which I have no actual control over, has been quite a challenge. To say that living in "survival mode" -- dreading whats behind every corner -- has worn me down is a vast understatement. So learning to not live in the delusion that life is a game, or an opponent of sorts, that I have to stay one step ahead of in order to not be destroyed, relieves me of a tremendous burden. Ironically the greatest thing that I ever learned was that I was doing it all wrong ... that there were other ways to perceive the world and the people around me.
Learning to have faith and trust in anything or anyone around me has been paramount to my healing. I used to feel that I couldn't depend on anyone for anything. And yet the only worth I thought I had in this world lay in the ability for other people to depend on me. We all need help sometimes. I wasn't less of a person for it. I wasn't weak. At the time I would have argued these truths but finally I let go of my fear of trusting others. I realized the world wasn't against me. And I realized that others could love me for me, rather than just for what I could do for them. With this I finally allowed myself the feeling of connectedness to the people and events around me. I'd always felt so much powerlessness and that the only way to survive in this world was to stay one step ahead of the game, always watching behind my back for the next crisis. I began to listen to my intuition and came to realize that there were certain instincts that I needed to tune into and trust -- and that those instincts were what was meant to guide me in my life. My wary and 'wired-for-the-next shoe that drops' lifestyle wasn't. I found I wasn't bound by or limited to the perspectives of the people whom had past negative or skewed ideas about me. They were actually wrong. I could instead permit myself to be deeply-connected to those who'd helped me when I felt I didn't deserve their effort, or when I'd been so sure that it couldn't be trusted.
What does forgiveness mean to you?For me, forgiving someone who has abused me in the past is a way of saying, "What you did to me isn't okay. I may never understand it, even though I've tried. I understand that you're broken and incredibly sick, but all the blame is on you despite your sickness and brokenness. But I'm not going to spend the rest of my life hating you for it. I'm not going to spend the rest of my life enraged. I'm not going to spend the rest of my life feeling sick whenever I hear your name or every time I think of you. You're not worth the heart attack or the ulcer. But I AM worth letting you go, along with all of this hate, rage, and sadness that you stir in me.
**************************************
Okay...this is back to me commenting:
I could have just bolded that entire last paragraph about forgiveness. Honestly, forgiveness is something I have struggled with for decades. This is the first and only definition of it that I can actually accept and begin to feel like maybe I can do that. I've always felt like forgiving my abusers absolved them of what they did to me. I've known that it's about me, the benefit to me, for a while now....but I've still never heard it defined in a way that "sat right" in my heart. But this does. And it opens me up to begin to consider taking that step. I realize that I cling to this anger because it's the only connection I have to those who abused me. I guess part of me wants to remain connected. Once I let go of that.....then it's gone. There is no connection. And any hope of retribution or of their repentance is gone. I'm really stuck on that for some reason. Why? But I started to cry as I wrote it so I know it's striking a chord. I guess this is one of those cases of being afraid to let go of what is for fear of what will take it's place. Sometimes even when the familiar is harmful, it's still comforting. That's so f**ed up.
HOLY CRAP. I published this post and I went back to read it a minute later. I tend to publish, clear my head and then proofread . And I realized as I read this last thing I wrote about being afraid to forgive my abusers.....that is not entirely why I struggle with forgiveness. I don't forgive myself. I am determined to punish ME. Funny that is an idea that I'm not oblivious to....but I certainly do tuck it away tightly so I need not deal with it. Well, I am officially dealing with it. As of now.
4. What were the three hardest obstacles to overcome?
Figuring out who I am was incredibly difficult, but figuring out that I was enough, as a human being, was even harder. For the longest time I felt and believed what I needed to, in order to adapt and thus survive within my environment. Due to this manner of developing my authentic self simply got very lost along the way. I was always trying to be enough, or to do enough in order to change the circumstances I was born into. I never realized that me - just me, with my OWN thoughts, beliefs, and feelings -- I'd ALWAYS been enough. All along there had never really been a need for me to have changed anything about myself. Finally I began to not just realize, but know in my heart, that nothing I could have ever been, or could have ever done would have changed, prevented, or stopped any of it.
Knowing that its okay for me to relax and let go was, and still can be, quite a challenge. Learning that I had to let go of any responsibility for the people and things around me, for which I have no actual control over, has been quite a challenge. To say that living in "survival mode" -- dreading whats behind every corner -- has worn me down is a vast understatement. So learning to not live in the delusion that life is a game, or an opponent of sorts, that I have to stay one step ahead of in order to not be destroyed, relieves me of a tremendous burden. Ironically the greatest thing that I ever learned was that I was doing it all wrong ... that there were other ways to perceive the world and the people around me.
Learning to have faith and trust in anything or anyone around me has been paramount to my healing. I used to feel that I couldn't depend on anyone for anything. And yet the only worth I thought I had in this world lay in the ability for other people to depend on me. We all need help sometimes. I wasn't less of a person for it. I wasn't weak. At the time I would have argued these truths but finally I let go of my fear of trusting others. I realized the world wasn't against me. And I realized that others could love me for me, rather than just for what I could do for them. With this I finally allowed myself the feeling of connectedness to the people and events around me. I'd always felt so much powerlessness and that the only way to survive in this world was to stay one step ahead of the game, always watching behind my back for the next crisis. I began to listen to my intuition and came to realize that there were certain instincts that I needed to tune into and trust -- and that those instincts were what was meant to guide me in my life. My wary and 'wired-for-the-next shoe that drops' lifestyle wasn't. I found I wasn't bound by or limited to the perspectives of the people whom had past negative or skewed ideas about me. They were actually wrong. I could instead permit myself to be deeply-connected to those who'd helped me when I felt I didn't deserve their effort, or when I'd been so sure that it couldn't be trusted.
What does forgiveness mean to you?For me, forgiving someone who has abused me in the past is a way of saying, "What you did to me isn't okay. I may never understand it, even though I've tried. I understand that you're broken and incredibly sick, but all the blame is on you despite your sickness and brokenness. But I'm not going to spend the rest of my life hating you for it. I'm not going to spend the rest of my life enraged. I'm not going to spend the rest of my life feeling sick whenever I hear your name or every time I think of you. You're not worth the heart attack or the ulcer. But I AM worth letting you go, along with all of this hate, rage, and sadness that you stir in me.
**************************************
Okay...this is back to me commenting:
I could have just bolded that entire last paragraph about forgiveness. Honestly, forgiveness is something I have struggled with for decades. This is the first and only definition of it that I can actually accept and begin to feel like maybe I can do that. I've always felt like forgiving my abusers absolved them of what they did to me. I've known that it's about me, the benefit to me, for a while now....but I've still never heard it defined in a way that "sat right" in my heart. But this does. And it opens me up to begin to consider taking that step. I realize that I cling to this anger because it's the only connection I have to those who abused me. I guess part of me wants to remain connected. Once I let go of that.....then it's gone. There is no connection. And any hope of retribution or of their repentance is gone. I'm really stuck on that for some reason. Why? But I started to cry as I wrote it so I know it's striking a chord. I guess this is one of those cases of being afraid to let go of what is for fear of what will take it's place. Sometimes even when the familiar is harmful, it's still comforting. That's so f**ed up.
HOLY CRAP. I published this post and I went back to read it a minute later. I tend to publish, clear my head and then proofread . And I realized as I read this last thing I wrote about being afraid to forgive my abusers.....that is not entirely why I struggle with forgiveness. I don't forgive myself. I am determined to punish ME. Funny that is an idea that I'm not oblivious to....but I certainly do tuck it away tightly so I need not deal with it. Well, I am officially dealing with it. As of now.
Buying Peace of Mind
This sucks.
Some background for those who don't know my story: I was abused by family members in the house(s) I grew up in. I moved out when I got married. When I got divorced, I moved back there temporarily to financially regroup. The plan was 6 months to 1 year, tops, and then buy my own place. But then I found myself unexpectedly pregnant. The bio-father bolted and all my financial plans went to hell. When I was married, I moved into the house of my XDH and I hated, HATED & DESPISED that place. The years I lived there were torturous between an abusive marriage and feeling like a servant in someone elses home. Moving back to my childhood home, although my brother and father were no longer there, was a difficult decision but the best choice in the big picture. And then I got stuck there for 3 1/2 long years, in a house of horrors, walking daily the halls of my nightmares. "Home" was an elusive concept indeed. I never felt peace. I never felt relaxed. I never felt at home. I was surrounded by memories, by misery, by a toxic black sludge of wretchedness and agony. Until I moved this past May. I bought my very own home and oh how it feels like home! Warm. Welcoming. Cozy. Peaceful. SAFE. Those first few weeks there, I slept more deeply than I had in years. And so did my DD, despite the fact that with the move, she had a twin bed and her own room...both firsts. I think she sensed my peace and followed suit. Bliss.
I don't think I blogged about this but back in the fall, there was a window pushed in at my house and evidence of someone having entered in my home. Nothing was taken which, frankly, makes it worse for me. I'd rather think someone was there to steal something than just looking around or, worse, hiding in the house to harm me or my DD. I had my locks changed. I got an estimate for an alarm but then I was away for a while and, with no other incidents, my fear began to subside.
No more. My house has double decks, one off the LR and one off my BR, each of them accessible through sliding glass doors. Last night I was in my living room and I heard banging on the deck. It was very windy so I assumed that to be the cause of the noise but after it happened several times, I turned on the light and opened the blinds. Well....the glass door was unlocked. So I shut and locked it then ran upstairs.....where I found the bedroom glass door ALSO unlocked. Let me assure you.....I am FASTIDIOUS about keeping my doors locked. There is no way on earth that I left both of these doors unlocked without realizing it.
I called my contractor because he has the key to my house. No, he hadn't been there. I called my friend who stayed with me over New Years. No, she hadn't opened the doors. Now, I do have metal rods in the door tracks so they won't open more than a few inches. I don't think someone could get in. But needless to say my mind was running rampant last night and with every creak and bump I heard, I was in a state of complete anxiety. I slept with both of my phones, 2 pairs of scissors and a billy club in my pillowcase. I brought my daughter into my bed because all of a sudden her bedroom seemed miles away from mine and my ability to protect her felt profoundly compromised. She slept fine. I think I slept for about 45 minutes all night.
So the nice year end bonus that was going to pay off a few small items and then buy me a flat screen LCD TV for my bedroom is now being used to install an alarm system. I'm enraged that some punk ass thief or vandal can strip me of my peace and security with such utter disregard. God damn them. I detest living in fear and I've had enough of it. This was my time for peace in my home, in my life.......and I'm livid that I now have to buy it back.
Some background for those who don't know my story: I was abused by family members in the house(s) I grew up in. I moved out when I got married. When I got divorced, I moved back there temporarily to financially regroup. The plan was 6 months to 1 year, tops, and then buy my own place. But then I found myself unexpectedly pregnant. The bio-father bolted and all my financial plans went to hell. When I was married, I moved into the house of my XDH and I hated, HATED & DESPISED that place. The years I lived there were torturous between an abusive marriage and feeling like a servant in someone elses home. Moving back to my childhood home, although my brother and father were no longer there, was a difficult decision but the best choice in the big picture. And then I got stuck there for 3 1/2 long years, in a house of horrors, walking daily the halls of my nightmares. "Home" was an elusive concept indeed. I never felt peace. I never felt relaxed. I never felt at home. I was surrounded by memories, by misery, by a toxic black sludge of wretchedness and agony. Until I moved this past May. I bought my very own home and oh how it feels like home! Warm. Welcoming. Cozy. Peaceful. SAFE. Those first few weeks there, I slept more deeply than I had in years. And so did my DD, despite the fact that with the move, she had a twin bed and her own room...both firsts. I think she sensed my peace and followed suit. Bliss.
I don't think I blogged about this but back in the fall, there was a window pushed in at my house and evidence of someone having entered in my home. Nothing was taken which, frankly, makes it worse for me. I'd rather think someone was there to steal something than just looking around or, worse, hiding in the house to harm me or my DD. I had my locks changed. I got an estimate for an alarm but then I was away for a while and, with no other incidents, my fear began to subside.
No more. My house has double decks, one off the LR and one off my BR, each of them accessible through sliding glass doors. Last night I was in my living room and I heard banging on the deck. It was very windy so I assumed that to be the cause of the noise but after it happened several times, I turned on the light and opened the blinds. Well....the glass door was unlocked. So I shut and locked it then ran upstairs.....where I found the bedroom glass door ALSO unlocked. Let me assure you.....I am FASTIDIOUS about keeping my doors locked. There is no way on earth that I left both of these doors unlocked without realizing it.
I called my contractor because he has the key to my house. No, he hadn't been there. I called my friend who stayed with me over New Years. No, she hadn't opened the doors. Now, I do have metal rods in the door tracks so they won't open more than a few inches. I don't think someone could get in. But needless to say my mind was running rampant last night and with every creak and bump I heard, I was in a state of complete anxiety. I slept with both of my phones, 2 pairs of scissors and a billy club in my pillowcase. I brought my daughter into my bed because all of a sudden her bedroom seemed miles away from mine and my ability to protect her felt profoundly compromised. She slept fine. I think I slept for about 45 minutes all night.
So the nice year end bonus that was going to pay off a few small items and then buy me a flat screen LCD TV for my bedroom is now being used to install an alarm system. I'm enraged that some punk ass thief or vandal can strip me of my peace and security with such utter disregard. God damn them. I detest living in fear and I've had enough of it. This was my time for peace in my home, in my life.......and I'm livid that I now have to buy it back.
Monumental, for me.
I did something monumental at work today. As the title of my blog suggests, I've tried so hard to maintain the appearance of perfection. The together woman....unphazed, do-it-all, uber-organized, never bats an eye at taking on more work or a challenge. Well this morning, I went to my boss and told him I'm drowning right now. I proposed some workflow changes to help alleviate my load. And I sent an email to everyone in my office basically recapping what I know they are waiting for from me and telling them when I will have time to complete it. This was HUGE for me. I have never admitted to a person of authority that I was in over my head. I felt it made me a failure. Today, it was great. I'm human and I admitted that. I set some boundaries, gave people realistic expectations of me and I took care of ME for a change. My boss thoroughly respected what I said, acknowledged that he knows I do alot of work for the office and have numerous big projects all coming to fruition at once. He was happy to rearrange things in order to help me out. How nice!
And now....back to work!!
And now....back to work!!
Tuesday, January 1, 2008
The Language of Letting Go
This is a fantastic book by Melody Beattie (CoDependent No More) written as a daily meditation & reflection journal. I'm going to work more closely with it this year. Last year I started it in Sept and used it sporadically. I will hereby refer to it as TLOLG & will post about any entry that strikes me as helpful. Today's, of course, is about the new year.
From the book:
Make New Years goals. Dig within and discover what you would like to have happen in your life this year. This helps you do your part. It is an affirmation that you're interested in fully living life in the year to come. Goals give us direction. They put a powerful force into play on a universal, conscious and subconscious level. Goals give our life direction. We aren't controlling others with our goals - we are trying to give direction to our life.
Here are the questions asked in the book and I'm going to attempt to give each one some thought, even though I've already done my New years goals. I feel like some of these questions ask kindof the same things so I'm just going to answer them as I interpret them.
What would you like to have happen in your life this year?
*I would like to stop feeling the stress induced pains and ailments I'm plagued with nearly every day from migraines to chest pain and stiff joints. I don't understand why they continue even when I feel relaxed.
What would you like to accomplish?
*I want to recover from my addiction.
*I'd like to pay off my credit card
*I'd like to find a babysitter for DD
What good would you like to attract into your life?
*Somehow I can only interpret this question as relating to other people in my world. So..I'd love to make a new friend or two. And I'd like to be ready to begin a new romantic relationship.
What areas of growth would you like to have happen to you?
*I'd like to be able to process my parent issues. With my father, I'd like to grieve the death of my expectations for him and let them go. With my mother, I'd like to become comfortably established in my new "dance" with her.
*I'd like to be able to take care of my own needs in all situations without guilt and without having to think it through and rationalize it to death.
What character defects would you like to have removed?
Addiction, people-pleasing, guilt
What would you like to attain?
PEACE!! Peace with myself....the ability to relax as a human being as opposed to feeling the need to constantly function as a "human doing".
Where would you like to go?
I plan to return to my regular vacation spot in NH and don't have a desire to really go anywhere else.
What would you like to have happen in friendship and love?
I kindof answered this one already. I'd really like to meet a new man and establish a healthy relationship in 2008.
What would you like to have happen in your family life?
I'd like to survive age 3 with my DD!
What problems would you like to solve?
The only thing I can think of here are my health issues. I have a few problems there that will be solved/reversed when I control my addiction.
What decisions would you like to make?
*I would like to decide on a school for my DD to attend. It's still 1 1/2 years away but I'm considering private school which requires advance application.
What would you like to happen in your career?
I'm definitely going to make it a priority to get caught up and stay that way. Unfortunately that means spending less time online doing personal things.....like I'm doing now as I write this. But I've really allowed myself to get behind and disorganized. It's not a feeling I enjoy and I'm not 100% proud of the job I've been doing. And I need to stop coming in late.
What would you like to see happen around you?
I don't think I really understand this question. But I'd sure like to see my neighbors be more friendly....does that count as something around me?
Write it all down as an affirmation of you, your life and your ability to choose. Then let it go. The new year stands before us like a chapter in a book waiting to be written. We can help write that story by setting our goals.
From the book:
Make New Years goals. Dig within and discover what you would like to have happen in your life this year. This helps you do your part. It is an affirmation that you're interested in fully living life in the year to come. Goals give us direction. They put a powerful force into play on a universal, conscious and subconscious level. Goals give our life direction. We aren't controlling others with our goals - we are trying to give direction to our life.
Here are the questions asked in the book and I'm going to attempt to give each one some thought, even though I've already done my New years goals. I feel like some of these questions ask kindof the same things so I'm just going to answer them as I interpret them.
What would you like to have happen in your life this year?
*I would like to stop feeling the stress induced pains and ailments I'm plagued with nearly every day from migraines to chest pain and stiff joints. I don't understand why they continue even when I feel relaxed.
What would you like to accomplish?
*I want to recover from my addiction.
*I'd like to pay off my credit card
*I'd like to find a babysitter for DD
What good would you like to attract into your life?
*Somehow I can only interpret this question as relating to other people in my world. So..I'd love to make a new friend or two. And I'd like to be ready to begin a new romantic relationship.
What areas of growth would you like to have happen to you?
*I'd like to be able to process my parent issues. With my father, I'd like to grieve the death of my expectations for him and let them go. With my mother, I'd like to become comfortably established in my new "dance" with her.
*I'd like to be able to take care of my own needs in all situations without guilt and without having to think it through and rationalize it to death.
What character defects would you like to have removed?
Addiction, people-pleasing, guilt
What would you like to attain?
PEACE!! Peace with myself....the ability to relax as a human being as opposed to feeling the need to constantly function as a "human doing".
Where would you like to go?
I plan to return to my regular vacation spot in NH and don't have a desire to really go anywhere else.
What would you like to have happen in friendship and love?
I kindof answered this one already. I'd really like to meet a new man and establish a healthy relationship in 2008.
What would you like to have happen in your family life?
I'd like to survive age 3 with my DD!
What problems would you like to solve?
The only thing I can think of here are my health issues. I have a few problems there that will be solved/reversed when I control my addiction.
What decisions would you like to make?
*I would like to decide on a school for my DD to attend. It's still 1 1/2 years away but I'm considering private school which requires advance application.
What would you like to happen in your career?
I'm definitely going to make it a priority to get caught up and stay that way. Unfortunately that means spending less time online doing personal things.....like I'm doing now as I write this. But I've really allowed myself to get behind and disorganized. It's not a feeling I enjoy and I'm not 100% proud of the job I've been doing. And I need to stop coming in late.
What would you like to see happen around you?
I don't think I really understand this question. But I'd sure like to see my neighbors be more friendly....does that count as something around me?
Write it all down as an affirmation of you, your life and your ability to choose. Then let it go. The new year stands before us like a chapter in a book waiting to be written. We can help write that story by setting our goals.
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