Wednesday, January 9, 2008

The time has come

As the intro to my blog says, I am an addict. I've gone through many addictions. Food sits the most comfortably. It's something that was basically bred into me. My mother tried to soothe me with food since she couldn't do what was necessary to really make a meaningful change in my young world. Awwww, Perfect seems so sad......I'll whip up 10 pounds of mashed potatoes for her. Oh no, Perfect is down in the dumps today....lookie, lookie, Mom brought you a box of Twinkies. What's that, Perfect? You're unhappy? Well, how about a fresh batch of cookies??

So it's no big surprise that I learned the lesson to bury my sorrows in food. It became more than that; a disconnect. A means to dissociate where I could mindlessly shovel something repetitively into my mouth literally stuffing back down any unwanted feeling that was attempting to rise to the surface. Feelings??? Threatening encroachment upon my blissful ignorance? I think not. (insert cookie) Take that (follow up with ice cream) and that! And just in case you haven't learned your lesson with this forkful of spaghetti that is so enormous it literally pains me to swallow and comes so close to choking me that I stand over the sink not sure if I'm going to vomit or die.

This is no way to live. This is where I strip away my defenses and my protections. This is where I stop pretending that I have things under control and where I come clean with things that are so shameful to me. I have gained 40 pounds in the past 6 months. I have turned myself into a diabetic. My Dr knows it and wants to treat me for it. I've been resistant the past few months because I wanted to get it under control on my own but I have not been able to. I've been resistant because it represents everything that I hate. My father is one, my grandmother, my aunt, my brother, my XDH. To me it represents just plain gluttony, no self control, no self worth, disgusting, lazy, disgraceful and making an excuse for something you chose to do to yourself. I cannot believe I have allowed this to happen. I am so disappointed in myself and my tattoo that signifies MY POWER mocks me from my arm, reminding me of how far I've fallen.

This is where and when I take responsibilty for what I have done. Because the thing is.....I was taught to do what I do. But there comes a time when the actions are no longer carried out in a shroud of oblivion. The time has come and passed since I realized this was a blatant, willful and purposeful act that I am choosing. And the time recently arrived where I admitted a certain level of powerlessness over the addiction. I think I had to do that. I am so disgusted with myself that I think I hit bottom this morning. Lord, I HOPE this was bottom. Because I don't know how much farther I can fall without killing myself first. And I decided that today was the day and the time has come for me to write the following:

Dear Food,

You and I have had a tumultuous relationship these past 3O-someodd years. You are a necessity in my life but our association has been so perversely twisted. It has long outlasted it's usefulness. I want to start by thanking you for providing me something I needed when I had no other outlet. You were there for me time and time again, consistently comforting me when I was depressed, scared, angry, out of control. You centered me back to my home of blissful dissociation. But that is my home no longer. Memories and emotions are something I will welcome instead of avoiding. I am on the doorstep to a life of grounded reality where I am able to deal with what I feel as it comes up. And food, my long time companion and confidant, I cannot cross this doorstep with you at my side. This is a journey I cannot take unless I sever the relationship that has been. I will feel uncertain for a while as I attempt to navigate our new and limited working relationship. But it's a step I must take for myself. For my emotional well being, for my physical health, to be a better example to my daughter, for my self esteem and just because I am worthy of being a whole, happy, functional and healthy person. I take repsonsibility for the power I gave to you and I now reclaim that power back to myself.

Sincerely, Perfect

1 comment:

Enola said...

You go Girl! That post rocks! I'm proud of you.