Wednesday, January 9, 2008

Wednesday Ramblings

First off, I'm going to preface this by saying I am sleep deprived, stressed out, overly busy and I forgot to take my meds last night so I'm on a short fuse today.

I swore for the first time in front of my DD this morning when a car tried to run me off the road refusing to properly merge. Usually I brush that kind of stuff off without a thought but this morning, I was fuming, laying on the horn for a solid minute and called her an ass right in front of my DD. I also snapped at my daughter because she was trying to talk to me while I was trying to listen to a song on the radio. How awful is that?? Nice mother....I'd rather hear Alicia Keys instead of my child. *sigh* I told her Mommy was crabby today and apologized.

Came into the office which was basically stepping into a hornets nest.....Boss is out sick, need to reschedule his day & take care of some things we're working on together. Need to deal with contractors who are expanding our office space, phone people who are putting in a new system this week, new employees who both have questions, issues, need training. Phone ringing, ringing, ringing. Everyone reminding me that I'm behind....YES, DAMMIT. I know that I'm behind but until you hire a trainer, a personal assistant, a receptionist, an IT and a freaking General Contracting Foreman.....YOU'RE ALL GOING TO HAVE TO DEAL WITH IT. Or
f***ing figure out how to do it for your damn selves. The urge to send a global email reminding the staff that I am but ONE person is staggeringly overwhelming. God damn, I need some more coffee before I keep going. brewed but let me just add, to my fellow employees, that it does not take a brain surgeon to realize that the more times you call and stop into my office to find out if I've done the thing you need simply just delays my actually being able to get work done. And if you've paid attention one iota to my personality in the three years I've worked will realize that the more you piss me off, the closer to the bottom of the pile your request falls. Phew....that vent is over. In the spirit of a positive spin....I'm going to label this vent "good anger work" :o)

I have this friend who lives in Cali. He's a "safe" relationship. I know he has feelings for me. I have feelings for him too and I'd like the chance to explore those feelings even though I don't think he's the right one for me..... But still, it's been a long time in literal terms since we've seen one another. It's been over 4 years. In terms of who I am and where I'm's been a lifetime and a half. He always tells me how much he cares for me, how much he'd like the chance to be a family with me & DD. He's always making references to coming out here. It used to make me swoon. Last night we were on the phone and he said "If only you know how many times I've been tempted to just hop on a plane, one way, and come be with you." And I replied "What I DO know is how many times you've actually done it. So quit talking about it unless you're knocking on my door." This may not seem like a big deal to anyone else but for me, it's a big thing to be able to see the reality of a relationship that holds promise to be something I really want in my life. So for me to hand his words back to him and basically say "make these into action or shut the hell up about it" is really big.

I seem to have some unresolved feelings about my relationship with XDH. I'm not really sure what they are about. I'm not even really sure it warrants more than just acknowledgment at this moment. I'm just putting it out here to open myself up to thinking about it. I think Enola's situation with her DH has stirred some memories for me. In addition, I was reading an old journal last week and I found in there a copy of the letter I left for XDH when I left him. And I also found the printout of an IM conversation that was so very.......I don't even know the word. It made me cringe from the inside out when I read it. He was so horribly manipulative. He was cruel. Immature. Angry. And yet I stayed friends with him.....I know why I did it at the time and I'm glad I did because I needed his cooperation in some legal matters. Lately I've found myself actually really enjoying the conversations we occasionally have. Maybe I'm just feeling conflicted about that when I'm reminded of how horribly he treated me.

I finally got everything squared away to get my alarm installed at my house. I am waiting for them to call me back with an install date. I am hoping they can make it for MLK day since DD's Pre-K is closed that day and I have to take the day off anyway. I've slept like crap for the past few weeks. I thought insomnia was a permanent condition, some sort of chemical thing...but I guess not. I researched some about it and there is a diagnosis for Transient Insomnia which I must be suffering from at present. Yes, I could take Xanax at night to konk me out but I'm in such a state of panic about someone being in my house that I'm too scared to take a pill that puts me to sleep in case I need to wake up. I'm scared to sleep. It seems I go through several days of that until at last I'm so dog-tired that I can't resist it anymore. I think I'm averaging about every 3 days getting a few uninterrupted hours. I lay in bed and I fidget. I turn on the TV because silence is my bitter enemy....then I have to hear every tiny rustle and creak and I have to get out of bed. I sleep with my phone and a weapon. I have to check on DD a hundred times. Is she still there?? My chest is tight, my heart pounds, breathing shallow. I convince myself I'm having a heart attack or maybe it's just lung cancer because no ones lungs could possibly be so restricted unless they are riddled with disease. I start to watch TV again, then pick my head up....what did I hear? What was that? Look out on the deck....anyone there? Is the door still locked? 2x4 still in the track? Check on DD....still there? Look. Listen. Nothing more. Back in bed. Fidget, fidget. Pull the covers up. My skin feels so hot that it stings. I pull one arm out from the blankets and I feel so completely naked and vulnerable, fully exposed and just waiting to be attacked. So back under the blanket it goes and I pull them up to my chin, only leaving out enough of myself to breathe. And repeat the whole scenario. Repeat. Repeat. And repeat again until morning comes.

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