Monday, January 7, 2008

Nurturing Self Care

A Daily Meditation from TLOLG Book.
What do we need to do to take care of ourselves?

Listen to that voice inside. What make you angry? What have you had enough of? What don't you trust? What doesn't feel right? What can't you stand? What makes you uncomfortable? What do you want? Need? What don't you want and need? What do you like? What would feel good?

In recovery, we learn that self care leads us on the path to God's will and plan for our life. Self care never leads away from our highest good; it leads toward it.

Learn to nurture that voice inside. We can trust ourselves. We can take care of ourselves. We are wiser than we think. Our guide is within, ever present. Listen to, trust and nurture that guide. Our inner selves will tell us what we need to know, and we'll love ourselves enough to listen.


I want to try to answer those questions and I'd encourage others to try it as well. Answer from the standpoint of your own emotional & inner self, your own personal needs. This was not nearly as easy as I thought it would be. Which tells me I did it right!

What make you angry? Being stuck in old patterns makes me angry. Particularly when I recognize that it's an old pattern which does not serve me anymore yet I can't seem to let go of what is learned. Things like punishing myself, the "dance" with my mother.

What have you had enough of? I have had enough of feeling responsible for other people's fragile emotions. I aim that particularly at my mother. I've had enough of succumbing to my own guilt and putting other people's needs & comfort before my own. I've had enough of walking on eggshells to last me 15 lifetimes. I've had enough of coming upon the same themes and lessons in this process and never feeling like I'm getting further ahead. I've had enough of anxiety and panic. I've had enough of desiring to control other people and situations. I'm so done with this. I love my T but seriously....I've had enough of therapy!! Meaning I'm just so ready to not need it so much.

What don't you trust? I don't always trust my own instincts. I should. They are usually right. But I think it's been so instilled in me that I'm stupid, worthless, etc that I doubt my own ability or insight. I definitely do not trust my ability to "read" other people (ie: men that I might potentially get involved with) at this point. I have made too many misjudgments in the past. I think I've done a recent 180 and I'm being hyper-vigilant now, seeing issues where there may be none. I think hyper-vigilant is a good word for this answer altogether....I'm in this learning stage, trying to break out of old habits, but still unsure of my new direction. I don't think I fully trust anything yet as I navigate this new path.

What doesn't feel right? What doesn't feel right is when I go back to being how I was. There is one particular relationship, if you can even call it that, that I am involved in right now that pulls me back into my old ways. I take full responsibility for that because I allowed it to happen. But I haven't done anything to change it. Yet. It holds a certain attraction because it requires no thought from me and it's enjoyable. But it also requires a detachment and dissociation of sorts which I know is unhealthy for me and where I am now.

What can't you stand? I can't stand this "in between" stage. I feel like I have been here forever. I made peace with the gradual nature of healing a while back so it's not that I just want to *BAM* be healed 100% right now. But I can't stand it when I understand something intellectually but then still can't make the connection to it in a practical way at the same time. for example: Understanding that my desire to reach out to XBF & DD's Bio-Father are both tied to my own father issues but still feeling like I need to contact them anyway.

What makes you uncomfortable? It makes me uncomfortable when I "change the rules" with people who have been in my life for a long time. It's alot easier for me to present the "new & improved" me to people who are new to me. But when I'm known as being a certain way, it's slightly uncomfortable to assert myself in a different way. As I think about it, I guess I feel like I won't be taken seriously. Although I remember when I did this with my XDH and it felt FAN-Freaking-TASTIC to assert myself with him!! Boy did it make him CRAZY (snicker, snicker!)Then again, he was abusive and really wearing me down. The discomfort, I think, comes into play in relationships that are working fine and then I want to change. Ahhh...yes. I can think of one right now, my friend JBH. I guess it's when I still feel like I have something to lose if I show myself to be a person who may no longer be "likeable". If I demand too much, then that person will abandon me. Interesting.

What do you want? Need? Hmmmm....I hate hugely open questions like this..... I want AND need to integrate my head/heart discrepancies. I want a romantic relationship. I don't know if it counts as a need....but I really do want it. I need to get organized at home and work. And I need to feel perfectly fine and normal when I say "I cannot do it all". Right now, I say those words and then I silently start plotting "...but if I stay up til 2am....but if I come into the office at 5am.....but if I can just get this done and that....THEN I really COULD do it all!!"

What don't you want and need? I don't want or need anyone in my life who is not going to embrace my best interest. I don't want my addiction. Unfortunately, there are parts of me that still believe I need it. But I don't. I really, truly do not need it.

What do you like? Is it bad that I'm stumped by this question?? I like time with my daughter. I like blogging and reading others blogs. I like doing my Ebay business. I like movies. I like cooking. I like my grounded breathing and imagery. I like creating things.

What would feel good? It would feel good to be able to process and release all these stored up old emotions, namely anger. It would feel phenomenal to no longer have to live with panic, anxiety and the physical manifestations of them. It would feel good to be rid of my addictions and the "need" for it. It would feel good to be able to relax without guilt. It would feel good to be able to do my grounded breathing without getting a searing headache every time I begin to relax.


Enola said...

Your questions - or rather, my working on answers to them - sparked an avalanche of thoughts and connections in my own situation - it's on my blog. Thanks for sharing.

Marj aka Thriver said...

What a wonderful exercise! Great work! This would be perfect for the BLOG CARNIVAL AGAINST CHILD ABUSE under the HEALING category. I hope you think about it.

Kahless said...

Good exercise -
I came from Enola's; I'll have a go at this myself.


Marj aka Thriver said...

Yay! Perfect joined us for THE BLOG CARNIVAL AGAINST CHILD ABUSE! Thanks for your courage and your wonderful aware, insightful posts.