Buying Peace of Mind

This sucks.

Some background for those who don't know my story: I was abused by family members in the house(s) I grew up in. I moved out when I got married. When I got divorced, I moved back there temporarily to financially regroup. The plan was 6 months to 1 year, tops, and then buy my own place. But then I found myself unexpectedly pregnant. The bio-father bolted and all my financial plans went to hell. When I was married, I moved into the house of my XDH and I hated, HATED & DESPISED that place. The years I lived there were torturous between an abusive marriage and feeling like a servant in someone elses home. Moving back to my childhood home, although my brother and father were no longer there, was a difficult decision but the best choice in the big picture. And then I got stuck there for 3 1/2 long years, in a house of horrors, walking daily the halls of my nightmares. "Home" was an elusive concept indeed. I never felt peace. I never felt relaxed. I never felt at home. I was surrounded by memories, by misery, by a toxic black sludge of wretchedness and agony. Until I moved this past May. I bought my very own home and oh how it feels like home! Warm. Welcoming. Cozy. Peaceful. SAFE. Those first few weeks there, I slept more deeply than I had in years. And so did my DD, despite the fact that with the move, she had a twin bed and her own room...both firsts. I think she sensed my peace and followed suit. Bliss.

I don't think I blogged about this but back in the fall, there was a window pushed in at my house and evidence of someone having entered in my home. Nothing was taken which, frankly, makes it worse for me. I'd rather think someone was there to steal something than just looking around or, worse, hiding in the house to harm me or my DD. I had my locks changed. I got an estimate for an alarm but then I was away for a while and, with no other incidents, my fear began to subside.

No more. My house has double decks, one off the LR and one off my BR, each of them accessible through sliding glass doors. Last night I was in my living room and I heard banging on the deck. It was very windy so I assumed that to be the cause of the noise but after it happened several times, I turned on the light and opened the blinds. Well....the glass door was unlocked. So I shut and locked it then ran upstairs.....where I found the bedroom glass door ALSO unlocked. Let me assure you.....I am FASTIDIOUS about keeping my doors locked. There is no way on earth that I left both of these doors unlocked without realizing it.

I called my contractor because he has the key to my house. No, he hadn't been there. I called my friend who stayed with me over New Years. No, she hadn't opened the doors. Now, I do have metal rods in the door tracks so they won't open more than a few inches. I don't think someone could get in. But needless to say my mind was running rampant last night and with every creak and bump I heard, I was in a state of complete anxiety. I slept with both of my phones, 2 pairs of scissors and a billy club in my pillowcase. I brought my daughter into my bed because all of a sudden her bedroom seemed miles away from mine and my ability to protect her felt profoundly compromised. She slept fine. I think I slept for about 45 minutes all night.

So the nice year end bonus that was going to pay off a few small items and then buy me a flat screen LCD TV for my bedroom is now being used to install an alarm system. I'm enraged that some punk ass thief or vandal can strip me of my peace and security with such utter disregard. God damn them. I detest living in fear and I've had enough of it. This was my time for peace in my home, in my life.......and I'm livid that I now have to buy it back.